


Music

by rdyfrde



Category: Sonata Arctica
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Music, Obsessive-Compulsive, Piano, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-07 09:41:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 58,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13432032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rdyfrde/pseuds/rdyfrde
Summary: Tony is a world-famous pianist, who built a wall around himself to hide from a painful past. One innocent thing happens and it brings his whole world crumbling down. Will he be able to handle the numerous obstacles or will it destroy him in the process?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in 2016 but it took a while for the ending to come together. Either way, thanks to Lia for the encouragement along the way :)

Tony let his eyes drift shut, his fingers hovering over the piano keys. He took a deep breath and started to play.

It didn't matter at this point what he played, just that he did. Playing gave him the purpose to live and survive in a world that he had no place in.

Except for his music, praised by those who cared about such things and his various fans. Though he never met any of them, they had given him the life he had always hoped for - the means to produce more music.

He never felt alone in his solitude, despite his manager Henkka's protests that he make more friends. Henkka was plenty for Tony to deal with at a time. The rest of the world had no pull on Tony nor did he care much about it.

The only thing that drove him on was his music. It helped him deal with his emotions and other things he had trouble understanding. It didn't just give him pleasure, it gave him life.

That's all he ever needed.

********

Fingers danced across the keys of his grand piano. Melody and beauty flowed out of his body, creating a concerto of sounds that mixed just so. No note out of place, no key touched in error.

Everything was just as it should be.

That is until a loud crack sounded in the distance.

Tony stopped playing mid-melody, his eyes going wide at a sound invading his personal space without his knowledge. He got up from the piano bench and headed for the kitchen.

There in front of him with a nightmare in the making. The hardwood floor of his kitchen was slowly being coated with water.

Tony gasped and raced for the sink, pulling open the wooden doors that hid the pipes and cleaning supplies below. Water flowed out between the joints of the pipes, spraying Tony's pristine red suit with dirt and filth. He backed away from them, shocked at what was happening and having no idea how to fix it.

His mind swirled around like a hamster doing a marathon on a spinning wheel. Finally, it hit him to turn off the water valve under the sink.

Tony's hands groped through the flowing water for the tiny knobs at the bottom to shut the water off. He gritted his teeth, his suit becoming dead weight on his body from being thoroughly soaked and kept feeling around for them.

After what seemed like forever, he found one and cranked it to the right. The second knob was a short distance from the first.

He thought he might have turned it the wrong way, the water still flowing out but then it slowly started to turn into a steady drip.

Tony lumbered away, heavy with wet clothes and went to the supply closet for a bucket. He shuffled back to the sink and put the bucket underneath to catch the remaining drops.

With a sigh, he sank down to the wet ground and assessed the situation. He had no knowledge of plumbing or floor repair so he would have to call someone out.

The idea of using the phone, looking up the number in the phone book, and dialing it filled him with immediate dread. He loved his solitude, having to interact with others that weren't his manager frightened and filled him with terror all at once.

Except he couldn't leave his kitchen like this. That wasn't how he lived; everything needed to be in order and cleaned before he could concentrate on playing again.

*******

Tony eyed himself in his bedroom mirror while tying his blue striped tie. He put the wet clothes in his dirty clothes hamper that he would wash later so they didn't get moldy and replaced them with another suit.

His whole closet held nothing but suit parts. Pants, white shirts, a few vests, coats, ties, and shoes. It didn't feel right to wear anything else unless he was getting ready for bed. Years of having to wear them in music school and later for performances had developed a habit he refused to break. Everything needed to be consistent in his life without any deviation.

Except today would be one of those deviations whether he liked it or not.

Tony finished the tie and made sure nothing was out of place before moving away from the mirror.

His hand hovered over his asthma inhaler lying on the top of his dresser, unsure if he would need it or not.

Could he get through this without freaking out? Would the phone call go as planned or turn into a nightmare?

Tony grabbed his inhaler, pocketing it in his suit coat before leaving the room.

********

The phone loomed in front of Tony. He'd looked up a number for a plumbing service in the phone book, memorizing its number sequence so there would be no misdials. The only problem was the phone itself.

He hated making phone calls, never knowing what to say to people who weren't in the same room with him. Then again, he had trouble doing it when they were in the room.

Still, he needed a plumber to fix this and the flooring. 

Did plumbers do both? Tony wasn't sure but he needed to make a phone call in order to find out.

He picked up the receiver, putting it up to his ear and wincing at the loud dial tone. Fingers typed out the number as if they were typing out a melody on his piano. It was a shame the numbers on the phone weren't as melodic as his piano, he mused.

A man's voice answered, "Oulu Plumbing, how can I help you?"

Tony froze, forgetting everything he was going to say.

"Hello? Anyone there?"

Tony forced himself to speak, despite his chest growing tight with worry. "Y-yes. I need a plumber."

"Ok, what's the problem? Leaking pipes? Broken pipes?"

Tony thought for a moment. "Leaking pipes. There's water all over my kitchen floor."

"Ah, so you'll need us to do flooring as well. Do you want us to come out today?"

Tony gasped, the idea of a stranger coming into his house made his heart race. Though he couldn't leave it like it was. He responded, "Yes, today if you could."

"Got it, I'll send someone out within the hour. What's your address?"

Tony gave his address.

"Wow, that's far out in the woods. Make that within the next two hours."

Tony swallowed hard, nodding at the phone and then feeling foolish for doing so. "Good, thank you."

The line clicked dead and Tony replaced it on the base.

Tony froze, the realization that someone was coming over suddenly hitting him. He fumbled for his inhaler, gasping for a breath and shaking all over. The air hit the back of his throat, easing his chest a little.

He had no idea how he was going to get through this.

********

Tony was too wound up to think straight and just play while waiting for the plumber to arrive. Instead, he paced the length of the room from his piano in the dining room to the living room. Over and over again.

The music in his head was chaotic and restless just like he was. He marveled at how the music in his head always matched his moods so perfectly. If he was happy and content, the music would be too. However, if he was miserable or anxious it would reflect that with a mess of noise or notes so powerful they would bring him to tears.

Tony stopped pacing and shook his head. Nothing was going to happen other than the man would come inside his house to fix the problem. Then he'd be gone again.

Though first Tony had to let him inside. Inside his sanctuary, which few dared or granted entry.

Tony went over to the bar behind the couch. He poured himself a shot glass full of whiskey and down it in one gulp. Usually he didn't allow his brain to be clouded by alcohol when he was playing, but at this point it was the only thing that would somewhat calm him down.

As if on cue, the doorbell rang. Tony jumped a little, the shot glass in his hand almost slipping through his fingers to the floor below. He took a deep breath and put the glass in the dirty bin.

The doorbell sounded again before Tony made his way to the door. He touched the knob and told himself it was only for a few hours. Then they would be gone again and peace would return.

Tony opened the door, blinking at the long-haired man standing before him.

The man smiled, offering his hand to Tony and saying, "Hi, my name is Elias. I'm here to fix your plumbing problems."

Tony gaped and then stared down at the hand offered.

Elias' eyebrow rose. "It's clean. I washed it before driving up here."

Tony flushed, looking up at the man. "No...it's...um, come in."

Elias blinked and followed Tony inside. After going inside a few feet, he stopped short. "Wow, that's a big piano."

Tony ducked his head and kept walking toward the kitchen. "Yes, a grand piano."

Elias marveled at it. "I've never seen one so red. Usually they're black or white."

Tony swallowed down the nervousness building inside. It would be over soon, he told himself.

Elias stopped at the entrance to the kitchen and looked down. "Is that standing water? Why didn't you mop it up?"

Tony turned to Elias. "Was I supposed to? They didn't say that on the phone."

Elias gave Tony a pained look. "Well no, but it's going to ruin the floor more with it like this."

Tony moaned, hurrying through the water for the supply closet. He took out the mop and started to soak up the water. "Um, sorry."

Elias watched Tony whisk around the kitchen floor with mechanical precision.

Tony squeezed the water from the mop into the bucket and turned around. "Better?"

Elias stepped into the kitchen, assessing the damage. "Looks like all of the floorings will need to be replaced. I don't have enough supplies to do that today but I could come back tomorrow to work on it."

Tony swallowed hard and looked away. "Ok."

Elias eyed Tony before shuffling past him to the sink. "You ok?"

Tony took a deep breath and moved off to the side. "Yes, fine."

Elias peered underneath the sink. He touched a few pipes and said, "Ah, I see what happened. The rings have rusted through and they caused the pipes to leak. These must have been in the house since it was built. No wonder they snapped."

"And you can fix that?"

Elias pulled out from under the sink. "Sure thing, that's easy to fix. The flooring, on the other hand, is not as I'm seeing years' worth of damage around the sink. You'll have to tell me what kind of flooring you want me to replace it with."

"I have no idea. Whatever is close to what I have."

Elias wrote that down in his notebook. "Looks to be a blend of pine and spruce. I think I can find something close to it. Does it need to match the rest of the house?"

Tony wandered out of the kitchen and looked at the other floors. "No, they're all different. I guess I never really noticed before."

"Even easier. I'll come up with a few samples so you can decide. I can send them via email if you want?"

Tony flushed.

"What?"

Tony shuffled in place. "I don't...I don't have that sort of thing. It interferes with my music."

Elias' eyebrow rose. "You don't have internet? How do you stay connected with the rest of the world?"

Tony stared out the kitchen window. "I don't want to stay connected with them. I have my music and that's all I need."

"Ok, then I'll have to bring up the samples in my truck tomorrow. It's going take a few days to do so you won't have much access to your kitchen for a while."

Tony turned back to stare at Elias. "But...how will I eat?"

Elias smiled. "Well, there's always fast food. I know of a really good burger place down the way from here."

Tony's eyes widened. "Burgers?"

"Well, yeah. I mean there's other things to eat too out there. Italian, Japanese, Thai, that sort of thing."

Tony's throat started to clench. "Out there."

Elias frowned. "You don't go outside?"

Tony shook his head, his breath coming out in gasps. He moved away from Elias, heading for the living room again to slump down on the couch. With shaking hands, he reached for his inhaler and squeezed it.

Elias stood beside the couch, glancing down at him before saying anything. "Well, maybe I can do it in one day then? Start after you've had breakfast and then work on it, leaving a way to fridge and stove for lunch and then finish it up before dinner?"

Tony looked up at him. "Really?"

"It's going to be hard work, but if that works better than going outside to eat for you."

Tony blinked, unsure of Elias' motives.

Elias's eyebrow rose. "What?"

Tony shook his head. "I...I'm not used to this sort of thing. Most times people never accommodate my wishes."

"Well, it's my job to make sure you're happy with the work. If I have to do it all in one day then so be it. You'll still be charged the same rate as if I would have done it in a couple days."

Tony let out a trapped breath. "Ok."

Elias headed for the front door. "I'm going to get some supplies from my truck for the pipes. Might as well fix that today so it doesn't do any more damage to the flooring."

Tony watched him leave and collapsed back on the couch white as a sheet. 

A whole day with him in the house.

********

Tony watched Elias' chest rise and fall with each breath while under the sink. It seemed to calm him down a little. He focused on it, counting when it moved and how often like a series of musical notes. Anything to get his mind off the fact that Elias was still in his house.

His cheeks burned when his eyes drifted down to a sliver of skin peeking out between Elias' blue t-shirt and jeans. A small line of hair led inside Elias' pants, making Tony frown when his body started to react to it like when he played an intense melody.

He needed to look away now but he couldn't take his eyes off it. It was drawing him in to explore further.

It wasn't until Elias crawled out of the space and looked up at Tony that his eyes finally diverted.

Elias chuckled and got up from the ground. "It should be good to go. I've turned on the water again so let's test it out."

Water flowed out of the tap and Elias tipped his head down to see if any of it was leaking out. He switched off the water when he was satisfied it was holding.

Tony let out a sigh of relief.

Elias smiled, packing up his gear and damaged parts. "That's one less thing you have to worry about. If you have a portable heater, can you aim it into the kitchen for a few hours? That should help it to dry so I can replace it tomorrow. I'll let my boss know that I'll be here all day for it so you won't have to call them again."

"Um, thanks."

Elias got up from the floor. "Not a problem, happy to help."

Tony followed Elias to the door.

Elias stood in the doorway. "So when is a good time to come for tomorrow?"

Tony froze and then said, "Eight?"

"Ok, will do. I'll be here at eight to start work." He turned away to head down the front stairs but then stopped short. "Wait, what pattern do I bring?"

Tony swallowed hard. "Whatever matches the original is fine with me. I don't look at the floor all that much."

"I'm sure I have something that will work."

Tony watched him go down the steps to his pickup truck. He closed the door and leaned against it, his heart beating fast in his chest.

*******

Sleep didn't come to Tony so he found himself sitting at his piano tapping out a bunch of notes. He didn't know where this particular melody was coming from but it was interesting. Not like the others that he'd come up with in the past.

It was then that it dawned on him.

The melody was Elias' breathing pattern while working under the sink. Tony had memorized it so much that it became a part of his thinking. Even without Elias' body in front of him, the rhythm calmed the unrest inside when he let it flow.

Passion and lust slipped into the melody, twisting and turning into a passionate act. Almost like lovemaking if it hadn't been coming from a piano.

Tony threw his head back, letting the melody overtake him and claim as so many had in the past. He could feel every part of his body lurching forward in time to the music, twitching and needy.

As it neared the crescendo, Tony let his body go, overcome by the wave of music filling him.

Tony cried out, the notes tapering off and his breath heavy. He braced himself on the piano when he stumbled to his feet, shaking all over and light headed. With a smile on his face, he stroked over the top of it with his fingers as one would with a lover.

It didn't matter that the piano never touched him back, only that it was there for him when he needed it the most.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony has to survive a whole day of the plumber being in his house. Will it go smoothly or will other things make it a living hell?

A loud knock stirred Tony out of sleep. He blinked fast wondering if he'd imagined it.

Another knock sounded.

Tony glanced over at his alarm clock and swore. The blaring red letters read eight.

He rushed out of bed and headed for his closet to get dressed when he stopped short. There wasn't enough time to get dressed with Elias downstairs waiting. He grabbed his bathrobe, shoving his feet into his slippers and running down the stairs.

Tony was almost at the door when the phone rang. He froze in place, unsure of which to do first. The phone kept ringing while the knocking started up again. He slumped down to his knees, covering his ears and shaking his head.

The noise all around him just made it worse.

Finally, both stopped and a voice sounded outside Tony's door, "Mr. Kakko? Are you alright?"

Tony stumbled to his feet again, trying to steady himself before answering the door. He opened it and looked out.

Elias smiled at him and held up his cellphone. "Sorry, I wasn't sure if you heard the door so I tried your phone."

Tony let him inside enough to close the door, his whole body still shaking from before.

Elias frowned. "Are you ok? I didn't mean to startle you like that."

"No, it's fine," said Tony, before he shuffled toward the kitchen.

Elias followed him, looking down at the now dry floor. "I see you put a heater on it."

Tony stood off to the side. "Yes, after you left. It only needed a few hours."

"Thanks, that will make my job a bit easier." He dug into his backpack and pulled out three different samples. "Here are the floor samples I was talking about."

Tony took a deep breath and moved to stand near Elias, but not close enough for them to touch. He cocked his head at the three different patterns. "I'm not sure which to choose. As I said yesterday, I never really pay attention to the floor."

Elias put the other two away. "Then I think this is one you will like. It doesn't look like much now but when it's fit together it makes a familiar pattern."

Tony moved away from Elias to open the refrigerator. "Whatever you think is best."

Elias blinked at his reaction and then shrugged. "I'll go get the pieces while you have some breakfast."

Tony nodded but said nothing.

Elias watched him for a few seconds longer before heading out.

Tony stopped his movement when he heard the front door closed. He gripped the countertop so hard his knuckles turned white. His eyes closed, focusing on his breathing to get himself calm again.

He could do this.

*********

When Elias returned with a handful of floor pieces, Tony was frying up some eggs and buttering pieces of toast. He smiled and dropped the pieces off on the opposite of the room. "That smells good."

Tony froze. "Was I supposed to make you some?"

Elias chuckled, leaning down to pull up the damaged boards. "No, I already ate before I came here. Just making small talk."

Tony swallowed the lump in his throat and returned to what he was doing.

"Did I wake you this morning? Usually you're dressed in suits."

Tony flushed, realizing he was still wearing his bathrobe. "Oh, um, yes. Forgot to set my alarm."

"I assume you don't get very many visitors way up here."

Tony slid the eggs onto the plate. "No, just Henkka."

"Henkka?"

Tony placed the pieces of buttered toast on the plate next to the eggs. "Yes, he's my manager."

Elias started to measure the area.

Tony frowned, turning around with the plate.

Elias felt Tony's eyes on him and he looked up. "What?"

"You didn't ask why I had a manager."

Elias smiled. "Well, I'll admit that I looked you up when I got home yesterday. You're a famous pianist so I assume Henkka takes care of the finances and record deal stuff."

Tony stared at him.

Elias chuckled at his expression. "You may not use the internet but I do. I wondered about it when I saw that red piano in your dining room."

Tony's heart started to race. Was he a fan? He took a few deep breaths before answering, "I see. You know of my music as well?"

Elias went back to pulling up boards. "No, I'm not into classical music. I'm more of a metal kind of guy."

"Metal? Like steel and iron?"

Elias smiled at the floor. "No, it's a type of music just like classical is. Just heavier and with loud guitars."

Tony grimaced, shaking his head and heading for the doorway. "No, thank you."

Elias shrugged and pulled up another board.

********

Tony ate in the living room, trying to ignore the loud banging coming from the kitchen. There was no way he'd be able to play today with a racket like that going on.

Once he finished his breakfast, he took the plate back into the kitchen only to stop short. The path to the sink was now bare floorboard.

Elias glanced up. "Just stick it on the stove for now."

Tony looked over at his pristine stove and then back at Elias. "But, that's not where it goes."

"Yes, but you can't get to the sink at the moment. It will only be there for a few hours."

Tony's eyes widened.

Elias got up from the ground. He crossed the bare floor, taking the plate out of Tony's hands and putting it in the sink. "Better?"

Tony nodded, flushing at the action. "Yes, sorry."

Elias shrugged and went back to work on the floor.

Tony stared at his empty hands. "I...I want everything in its place. I need everything in its place for my life to function. Anything left out messes with my ability to concentrate on the music."

Elias pulled up more flooring. "I've noticed, you could eat off the counters. They're that clean. Though why did you leave the water on the floor?"

Tony shook his head. "It was so sudden that I...I didn't think. It's never happened before this."

"That's pretty remarkable considering how old this place is. The previous owners must have taken good care of it."

Tony's body stiffened. "I...I didn't know them that well. Only met them a few times before I bought it."

Elias bent over to grab a stack of flooring he'd pulled up. "I'll take these to my truck so we can recycle them for you. Unless you want to keep them?"

"No, I don't need them. I can't burn them for the fireplace anyway."

*******

After Elias left to take the wood to his truck, Tony went upstairs to change. He'd been standing around in his bathrobe for hours and it was starting to get too hot.

Tony ran his hands along the suit coats hanging in his closet. He tended to stick to the classic colors like dark blue, black, and gray. Though there were some red suits along with dark green ones. Henkka rolled his eyes went Tony picked them out years ago but Tony ignored it. It was his body after all and it was his choice to what he wore.

He picked out an olive colored suit coat that had the matching pants on the same hanger. There was no need to separate them as they would always be worn together. The matching socks were in his dresser across the room from the closet.

Everything matching together perfectly.

Tony frowned at his tie rack and wondered where the matching tie was for this suit. He'd picked out a dark green striped tie for it but it wasn't on the tie rack. His hands moved through the ties, ignoring the ones that didn't match what he wanted. 

Annoyance was slowly building up inside Tony and usually he could let it out via playing. It would take his mind off it and focus on something productive.

He couldn't very well do that with Elias hammering away downstairs.

Tony sat on his bed, his chest constricting and wheezes coming out of his lips. He needed to think of where he last saw it, but his brain wouldn't focus.

That's when a swear word echoed up to Tony's room.

Tony blinked at the offensive language. When his name was called from down below, he knew there was something wrong.

********

When Tony arrived at the kitchen, he saw Elias yelling, mostly at himself for being so stupid. He gaped at the anger radiating from the normally calm man. "Um, is everything ok?"

Elias put down his hammer and pointed at the floor. "We have a problem."

Tony ventured into the kitchen, avoiding the bare flooring. He looked down and gasped. "Is...is that my basement?"

"Yes, and it almost took me to it the hard way. I'll need to repair that first before finishing the floor up here."

Tony backed away out of the kitchen. "How...how long will that take?"

"It depends on how much damage there is. I definitely don't want it to happen to another section of the room. No idea why they used only wood flooring for this area of the house. One fire and the whole floor would disappear."

Tony tried to remain calm but his body wasn't letting him. "What should we do?"

Elias moved out of the kitchen. "I guess the first thing is to see how much damage there is below. If it's only that area, then it's a matter of rebuilding the ceiling with more wood. Though I'll be treating it so this doesn't happen again. The last thing I want is for you to fall through while cooking."

Tony shuddered.

Elias sighed at him. "I'm sorry for all of this. I'll deduct it from the work since I was my fault."

Tony shook his head. "No, I'll pay for it too. You didn't know it was weak."

"Thanks, where is the door to the basement?"

Tony motioned to the corner. "It's over there. I'll unlock it for you."

Elias followed him, watching Tony dig into his bathrobe pockets and then turn bright red. He smiled at Tony. "I guess it's in your suit pockets?"

Tony ducked his head. "Yes, I was about to change when you called. If you can wait a little bit, I'll do that and bring the keys."

"That's fine. I'll clean up the old wood while you do it."

*******

Tony was back in his room, staring at the tie rack again. He put the green suit back in the closet and retrieved a gray one. There was no use wasting more time on his missing green tie. He would figure out where it went to later.

He dressed the same way he had since he was a teenager. First the underwear and the socks, then his pants and undershirt, his white shirt and coat, and finally his tie. There was no need for shoes inside, but he had them at the bottom of his closet in case he had to leave the house.

Instead, he slipped his feet into black slippers and headed downstairs. Elias was waiting for him by the basement door.

Tony flushed and retrieved the key from his pants pocket. "Sorry for taking so long."

"It's ok, I just finished."

Tony flicked on the light inside and moved out of the way for Elias to pass.

Elias shuffled down the steps, glancing at the ceiling as he went. "I don't see any damage around here so maybe it's just near the kitchen."

Tony followed him, making a mental note to dust more down here to get rid of cobwebs in the cracks.

Elias moved across the floor and stood where the light was shining through. He glanced up at the ceiling, eyes scanning every crack for damage. "Well, that's a relief. I didn't really want to be here until 10:00pm doing a ceiling and floor. It looks like the damage is centralized around the area that split open." He turned to Tony. "Do you have a step ladder?"

Tony headed over to an alcove with a ladder. He retrieved it and brought it over to where Elias stood.

Elias eyed Tony's pristine gray suit. "You might want to stand back a little. I don't want to get your suit dirty."

Tony moved away with a frown. "I don't have anything else to wear. I've always worn suits."

Elias unfolded the ladder and climbed on it. "Always? Even as a little kid?"

"Well, no. I mean from a teenager on. Most of my early life was spent in music schools."

Elias touched the wood around the hole for other wet pieces. "I guess that makes sense. You get used to it and being without it feels weird."

"Yes, and it becomes chaos. I'd like my life to run as smoothly as possible. If there's a routine, then it goes as it should."

Elias shook his head. "I don't think I could live like that. Life is full of surprises and I'd miss out on them if everything was scheduled out for me."

Tony frowned. "But then it would be chaos."

Elias climbed down from the ladder and glanced over at Tony. "That may be for you, but the rest of us like that chaos. Without it, life doesn't have any flavor."

"Well, I have music for that. It never comes out like I plan most times and that's fine. I can rearrange it in my head so it does in time."

Elias smiled. "So you do have a little chaos in your life after all."

Tony blinked at him.

Elias stared up at the hole. "I have a few pieces of wood in my truck for emergencies but I don't have any bonding material to make sure it stays this time."

Tony turned and headed for the supply closet that was next to the ladder. He opened it up and peered inside. "Well, I have this stuff they used to make the floor in my sauna. Would it help?"

Elias wandered over to stand next to Tony and looked down at the circular container. "Actually that might just work. I just want to make sure this doesn't happen again in case the kitchen floods."

Tony realized Elias' body was close enough for him to feel the heat radiating from it. He flushed and stepped to the side to regain some composure. 

Elias didn't notice it, instead staring down at the ingredients list on the container. "This is perfect. It will make a watertight seal when dried properly."

Silence.

Elias glanced up and frowned at Tony who was several paces away from him now. "You ok?"

Tony nodded, confusion racing through his body. "Yes, I...I should probably go back upstairs. Um, you don't need me staring at you."

The frown deepened on Elias' face when Tony hurried past him to go back upstairs.

********

Tony sat on the edge of the bathtub and gasped for a breath. He squeezed his inhaler, trying to regulate his staccato breathing. 

He had no idea what was happening to his body.

One minute he was fine and the next confused and shaking. Freaking out was nothing new to Tony, but why was standing close to Elias making him react differently? Was it his smell? Pine mixed with leather wasn't that weird as Henkka sometimes smelled like that on occasion after a gig.

It wasn't Elias' demeanor because he'd been almost gentle with Tony at times, like as if working with a child.

Tony frowned. Why was Elias treating him like a child? He was a grown man and maybe things were a little off-putting to him, but he should be treated as such.

He stumbled to his feet, anger racing through his veins.

********

Elias was still in the basement when Tony arrived in the kitchen. 

Tony glanced down the hole in the floor intent on setting Elias straight when all of the anger inside dissipated. He gaped at the shirtless Elias below wrestling the large container over to the ladder.

Elias wiped the sweat from his forehead and opened the container up. He peered inside and nodded. "Good, it hasn't dried up yet."

Tony blinked. Was Elias talking to him?

Elias retrieved a spatula from his bag to mix it around. He studied it before looking up with a raised eyebrow. "I thought you weren't going to watch me?"

Tony opened his mouth but nothing came out other than soundless squeaks.

Elias chuckled and went back to stirring the mixture. "I can see why you put your sauna down here. It's an oven when you're down here for long."

Tony swallowed hard at the sweat rolling down the middle of Elias' chest and stammered, "Y-you don't have a shirt."

"No, I had to lose it in order to not pass out down here. If you want me to, I'll put it back on but it will take longer."

Tony shook his head, backing away from the hole. "No, that's fine. I'll just do, um, something else."

Elias smiled to himself and kept stirring.

********

Tony sat at his piano with his forehead resting on the top edge. He breathed in and out, trying to get his heart to stop pounding hard in his chest.

The piano was the only thing that could truly relax Tony enough to calm him down, but right now he wasn't sure it would work anymore.

Images and things flowed into Tony's brain and he wanted them to stop. He never needed anything like that before this, why was it happening now?

Tony ignored his brain's answer of Elias. He'd met only a few people over the years, preferring to stay away from the crowds.

And yet, this one man was throwing his whole life into turmoil with just being here.

Tony sat back up and shook his head. All he had to do was get past today and then Elias would be gone.

Life would be back to normal.

Or so Tony hoped.

*********

Tony stared down at the keyboard cover. Normally he would just start playing, but with Elias' hammer echoing in the distance it wasn't quiet enough for him to concentrate anymore.

He pulled up the cover and brushed the keys with his fingers. Maybe he could touch the keys and fill in the music with his imagination?

Tony shrugged and started tapping the piano keys lightly so they wouldn't sound out. Worry and frustration started to wash away with each keystroke. The music in his head was odd and disjointed but Tony kept playing.

So lost in the music, he didn't realize Elias had stopped hammering.

Tony's hands started playing the notes aloud instead of just tapping the keys. He breathed in deeply, the music giving him the needed relief from everything that was happening. Before he knew it, the music from last night started mixing in with what he was playing and filling the room with melodies.

Just like last night, Tony could feel the music pulling at him, urging him on for a release of the pent-up tension inside. He wasn't thinking and let it happen.

A wave of lust washed over him and he cried out as he had last night.

It was then that something dropped in the distance.

Tony's eyes flew open and turned to the source of the noise. He turned dark red when realized who was standing in front of his piano.

Elias fumbled for his bag, picking it up from the ground and stumbling to his feet. "Um, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt, but it's lunchtime."

Tony stared down at the keys. The only time he'd ever played anything for someone that wasn't a large crowd of people was for Henkka. Why hadn't he been paying attention?

"Mr. Kakko?"

Tony shook his head, angry at how his piano could betray him like that in front of Elias. He could feel the tears gathering in his eyes and willed them to not fall.

"Hey, how about I get us some food? You can't get to your stove anyway because I have to let the sealant dry. There's a great burger place down the street and it's on me."

Tony glanced up as the front door shut. He frowned at Elias' sudden departure.

********

A knock sounded on Tony's front door but he was still confused about what had happened to notice. It pushed open to reveal Elias. "Mr. Kakko?"

Tony swallowed hard. "I'm...I'm sorry."

Elias wandered over to stand next to the piano with a bag of food in his hand. "For what?"

"For this. For what happened before you left."

Elias smiled, shaking his head. "There's nothing to be sorry for. I was just surprised at how intense classical music can get. Never really paid much attention to it before this."

Tony flushed.

Elias glanced around the room. "So where do you sit while you eat? Usually people put a large table in this room."

Tony got up from the piano, turning away from Elias and rubbing the top of it.

Elias blinked at the action but said nothing as he followed Tony into the living room.

Tony sat down on the couch. "Usually I just eat here. There's no need for a big table when it's just me."

Elias eyed the pristine red couch and sat down on the floor beside it. "I don't want to dirty up your couch with whatever dust I'm wearing."

"I can just clean it later."

Elias opened the bag of food. "No, it's ok. I'm used to sitting on the floor from other jobs. It's not a problem."

Tony's stomach rumbled when the smell of greasy food filled the air.

Elias chuckled and handed Tony a hamburger with a small bag of fries. "Bet you haven't had this place before."

Tony took them and a handful of napkins. "I have, actually, a long time ago."

"So you do go outside. I almost wondered if you were born in this house."

Tony frowned before taking a bite of the hamburger, the juicy meat and toppings bringing him back in time again. "No, I bought it from the previous owners when I was younger."

Elias nodded and started to eat.

********

When they were finished, Elias gathered up the empty containers and placed them back in the bigger bag. "Mr. Kakko, where is your garbage?"

Tony flinched and said, "Tony."

Elias blinked.

"My name is Tony. Mr. Kakko was my father."

Elias flushed. "Yes, but I don't think I'm allowed to call you that. Most times it's mister followed by the last name."

"I won't tell them."

"Ok then, um, Tony. Where is the garbage?"

Tony got up from the couch and pointed in the kitchen. "Small stuff goes under the sink. You didn't notice the can?"

Elias went inside the kitchen, stepping around the hole in the floor and opened the door under the sink. He stared at the small garbage can. "Oh, how did I miss that?"

"Water was still coming out when you arrived yesterday."

Elias placed the bag in the garbage. "True, and I wanted to get that fixed as soon as possible. I guess I miss the small stuff."

Tony blinked.

Elias turned to smile at Tony. "I'm only human, after all."

Tony wandered away from the doorway.

Elias sighed at the frown on Tony's face and went back to work.

********

Tony sat at his piano again. He didn't like to be reminded that he was hyper-aware of everything. Having nothing much in his life led him to notice anything that wasn't in its place and where everything was.

It didn't make him weird as Elias was trying to imply.

He hated that everyone had to point out that he was different and odd. According to Henkka, most of his fans thought he was some kind of hermit that only emerged for shows. They knew next to nothing about Tony's life and he was fine with that. It wasn't their business to start with.

It must be nice to go to bed and not lay there worrying that you left the stove on or if the fireplace was extinguished for the night.

Tony tried to push away the new worry. Neither of those things were on right now nor would they be at this rate.

He desperately wanted to play again, but not with Elias in the house still. The last thing he needed was to repeat what happened earlier today. Elias wasn't meant to see that kind of thing nor anyone else for that matter. It was a private session between him and his piano, nothing more.

Water started up in the kitchen and Tony frowned. He left his piano to investigate.

Elias was standing there with a glass in his hand when Tony appeared. He must have seen Tony out of the corner of his eye as he turned and blushed. "I guess I should have asked before just grabbing a glass and helping myself."

Tony stared at him.

"I was thirsty?"

Tony flushed. "Right, I was confused by the water coming on. Must still be jumpy from when the pipes leaked."

Elias peered out the kitchen window. "You have a nice patch of land back there. Too bad it's got nothing in it. You could totally have a small vegetable garden or maybe some flowers in there."

Tony glanced down at the bare flooring. "I...I tried once but I kept getting, um, distracted out there."

"Yes, that would be a problem wouldn't it? Well, if you ever wanted to do something with it, I know someone that could turn it into a beautiful garden."

"Who?"

Elias turned around with a smile on his face. "Me, actually. I garden for fun on the side. At my small house, I have a front walkway with hanging plants and trees. I didn't plant the trees but I did do everything else." He stopped to fish out his cell phone and wandered over to Tony. "There, that's what some of it looks like after I played with it last summer."

Tony looked down at the screen and gaped. "It's...it's beautiful. So many colors blending together."

Elias flushed and put his phone away. "I don't know about beautiful, but it's nice to look at. And I can totally do that for yours as well. Or if you want vegetables too." He stopped to frown at Tony. "How do you even get groceries?"

Tony shuffled his feet. "The market down the way delivers stuff to me twice a month. Henkka sends the money for it so I don't have to do anything other than to retrieve the box and put it away. They put a nice mix of things from the list I provided years ago. Some things are not in season year round so they substitute it with other things on the same list."

"That makes sense. Though imagine having to just go out to your garden and pick things instead?"

Tony shrugged. "They deliver so why would I need to?"

“It’s healthier? Fewer pesticides and stuff on it. If you grow your own, then whatever you used will be in it instead.”

Tony frowned, his body getting nervous at having to go outside multiple times a day. “I...I don’t think I could do that. When I tried years ago, I couldn’t be out there for more than five minutes.”

Elias itched his chin. “Well, what if I came over every week for upkeep? Then you don’t have to do anything other than pay me.”

Tony backed away, fear growing stronger inside.

“Or maybe just a couple times a month? It doesn’t have to be a set timeline if you don’t want it to be. It’s just an idea, that’s all, and it’s too late to cultivate anything this year anyway. They wouldn’t start growing until next year.”

Tony shook his head. “I...I....”

Elias moved away from Tony to give him space. “It’s ok, you don’t have to decide right now or ever for that matter. I was just throwing out ideas.”

Tony fumbled for his inhaler and squeezed, the air hitting the back of his throat and he breathed deeply.

“I have to go back to work anyway. I’ll leave my phone number in case you want to do something with it. Don’t feel obligated to call it if you don’t want to. I don’t want to pressure you.”

Tony frowned at Elias. “Why do you act that way around me? Like I’m some kind of child.”

Elias flushed and knelt down on the floor to resume working. “I’m not trying to, Mr. K...Tony. I had a friend who got nervous like you about things.”

The frown deepened on Tony’s face. “Are you still friends with him?”

“No, I’m not.”

Tony rolled his eyes and started to walk away, unsurprised Elias would give up on someone like that.

“Wait, it’s not like you think. I didn’t abandon him because of that. He...he killed himself a few years back. I’d still be his friend if he hadn’t.”

Tony froze in place.

“Not that I think you will or anything. You have your music to keep you company and he didn’t have anything. I just know that’s not easy to live this way.”

Tony swallowed hard, wrapping his arms around his body. “Some days are better than others.”

“Yeah, he said that too. Either way, it’s not fair to you to have me treating you like you’re a piece of glass. I’m sorry for that.”

Tony let his arms fall to his sides. "Most people don't know how to treat me. Not even Henkka and he's been my manager for ten years. He tries to make me comfortable but all it does is make me more nervous."

Elias glanced up at Tony. "Please let me know if I'm pissing you off with how I treat you. I don't want you to be unhappy after this is done."

"Why?"

"Because it's my job to make sure you're happy with the work. You being treated fairly and with respect is an important part of that."

Tony shook his head. "I don't really care about that, I just want it done. Then I can go back to composing."

Elias nodded and went back to work.

********

Tony sat in his living room and stared at the painting over the fireplace. It was swirling patterns full of colors. He looked at it to help himself focus and relax all at the same time. When music wasn't enough, paintings and designs took over. 

If he had the proper tools, he'd start drawing again. He did a few things in school when not practicing concertos but they never amounted to anything. They sat in his closet gathering dust like other things he'd tried while learning music.

Maybe Elias was right about the patch of land behind the house. It could be turned into a garden that maybe Tony could walk or sit in. The area was fenced in so there was no chance of people or animals getting inside. Kind of like the wooden walls of his house, protecting him from outside and others.

He breathed deeply, trying to calm the unrest rumbling inside. There was nothing to fear in his backyard. No creatures or bears or wolves or anything like that. If it was trimmed and maintained then maybe birds would come back again as they had when Tony first moved in.

His chest clenched, memories of events that he'd hoped to forget over the years came flooding back. Tony purchasing the house from an older couple, his mind full of hope and longing for the future.

That wasn't meant to be and he knew that dwelling on such things was useless because they were gone and done. Nothing was left but Tony and the house. 

Nothing in his life ever went according to plan. Why should he assume that it would now?

While deep in thought, his stomach started to grumble. He glanced up and realized he was sitting in the dark. His hand reached over, switching on the table lamp to flood the room with a bright light.

Tony stumbled to his feet and headed for the only other light in the house - the kitchen. He looked down at Elias who was putting down floor around the stove and sink areas. The hole in the middle of the floor was now covered with wood flooring.

It took him a few seconds to recognize the patterns the square pieces made at the corners.

Elias glanced up and smiled. "I thought you might like that."

Tony stared at the musical notes that magically came together with each piece.

"The individual pieces don't look like much, but when they're put together it makes a whole bunch of music notes. Mostly quarter notes."

Tony rose an eyebrow at Elias.

Elias chuckled, placing another piece of wood. "I don't need to be a classical musician to know what quarter notes are. When I'm not fixing pipes and laying flooring, I play guitar."

"Guitar? Acoustic?"

Elias flushed. "Well, I can if I want to, but mostly it's electric guitar. I have a band that I play in occasionally. We're messing around most times on stage, and yet somehow it all comes together."

"You've been on stage?"

Elias placed another piece of flooring, aligning it together with the piece next to it. "Yeah, several times. Even if I'm playing for no one, I get nervous before every show. I guess it's part of the experience."

"So do I. I've been performing on stage since I was a teen, but every show is scarier than the previous ones. I'm always afraid that I'll forget and play the wrong notes."

Elias laughed and put adhesive on a piece. "I don't think my audience would even notice if we played the wrong thing. Most are pretty drunk by the time we get on stage."

Tony crinkled his nose.

"You get to play for huge audiences, don't you? I think the biggest one I've played was 500 people."

Tony shivered, wrapping his arms around his middle. "All those eyes watching me, my every movement and note. I close my eyes while playing but I can still feel them looking at me."

Elias rose his head to stare up at Tony.

Tony let out a trapped breath. "But it's only for two shows every year so I get through it the best I can."

"Does your manager force you to play those?"

Tony leaned against the doorway. "It's a part of the contract I signed with my record label. I have to play at least twice a year to fulfill my obligations. The first years after...it was hard in the first years."

Elias opened his mouth to respond when his stomach rumbled. He glanced down at his watch. "I'm not going to be done before dinner. Sorry about that."

Tony nodded, his own stomach grumbling in agreement.

"Maybe I can get something else to go? I doubt you want burgers two meals in a row."

Tony glanced back at his front door.

"There's a Chinese place down the street from the burger place."

Tony blinked, remembering things from his past. "Does...does Anthony's still exist?"

Elias looked up at Tony. "You know of Anthony's?"

"Yes, I have been there a few times in the past with Henkka."

Elias fished out his cell phone. "I'm not sure if they do deliveries but I can call and see."

Tony watched Elias look up the number and dial it. 

Elias leaned back waiting for someone to answer. "Hello, I was wondering if you deliver. I'm doing work on someone's floor and they're not able to use the kitchen at the moment."

Tony studied Elias' relaxed posture while talking on the phone. He wished he could be that calm with phones as Elias, always knowing what to say and never freezing mid-sentence because he forgot what he was going to say.

"Or I could pick it up if need be? We're just right up the way from you at the end of Raven Street."

Tony had started to wander away when Elias called his name. He sighed and headed back. "Yes?"

"What do you want? They'll deliver up here as they know you apparently."

"Marko is still there?"

Elias shrugged. "They haven't given me any names but probably. So what do you want?"

"Anthony's lasagna."

Elias repeated it to the phone. He was about to hung up when Tony stopped him.

"What about for yourself?"

Elias held his hand over the receiver. "You don't have to do that. I'll just get something at home."

"You bought me lunch, it's only fair that I get you something."

Elias ordered some pasta. "And how much is that?"

Tony retrieved his wallet from his pants pocket.

"Oh, are you sure? Really? Um, ok, thanks."

Tony's eyebrow rose. "What?"

Elias switched off his phone and put it away. "They said it was no charge."

"That can't be right. I don't have an account with them."

"Well, I guess we can ask the guy they're sending to deliver it. Maybe your manager created one."

********

Elias was working away on the floor when the knock on the door sounded.

Tony took a deep breath and headed for the door. He touched the knob and turned it.

"Hey, Tony."

Tony gaped at the man standing before him. "It...it can't be."

The man smiled at Tony's reaction. "It's been a while, huh? Last time you saw me was when I was a young busboy. I guess I've grown a bit since then."

Tony gave a tentative smile. "Always bugging me when I just wanted to listen to music and eat."

"Well, I had a job to do at the time. Gotta make those tables gleaming as Antonio would say."

Tony opened the door further to allow the man to enter. "Now you're a delivery driver?"

The man laughed, shaking his short brown hair. "Actually I'm co-owner now with Antonio's daughter Nina. She's my wife."

Tony stared at him.

"It's still weird for me too. Never thought I get married, much less to a woman."

"That's...that's why Henkka would leave the table to talk to the manager. He was talking to you."

"He still remembers the old days and I don't blame him, but I've moved on now. That's probably why you two never come to our restaurant anymore." He stopped to chuckle. "Imagine my surprise when you wanted something delivered. I knew I had to be the one to do it since anyone else would just make you nervous."

Elias came out of the kitchen and dusted off his pants. "So you must be Marko that Tony was talking about earlier."

Marko looked over at Tony. "You knew I was coming?"

"No, I just wondered why someone would still know me at Anthony's. You were the first one I thought of."

Marko grinned and handed the food to Tony. "Anthony's lasagna and an order of pasta. I even stuck in a couple pieces of tiramisu for dessert."

Tony flushed and took the bag. "You didn't need to do that."

"It's not a problem. We have plenty and I knew you liked it."

Tony handed the bag to Elias and fished out his wallet. "How much?"

Marko shook his head. "You don't owe me anything, Tony. As I told him over the phone, it's on the house."

"But I should give you something."

Marko smiled and headed for the door. "You've given me plenty over the years. I don't want anything else."

Tony watched Marko close the door before letting go of the trapped breath in his chest.

********

Tony ate alone in the living room. He wondered why Elias didn't join him, but Elias waved it off and said he would eat it after he was finished.

The lasagna was still as good as it had been fifteen years ago when Tony had it the first time. He sighed between bits and tried to get the memories to stop flooding back. The last thing he wanted to think about was that.

But everything in this town reminded him of something. Most times, they were not good memories.

Tony shook his head. There was no use dwelling on things, this was his life now. Nothing was going to change it.

Elias plopped down next to the couch and opened his food container. "My stomach keeps making noises while I'm trying to work. Not helpful for concentrating on floor tiles."

Tony smiled a little. "Then maybe you should eat."

Elias dug into his pasta, moaning as he chewed. "This is amazing. I wish I could remotely afford to eat there regularly."

"Is it that expensive now? The lasagna was only seven per plate."

"More like fifteen per plate now. My pasta was the cheapest thing on their menu at eight a plate."

Tony's eyes went big.

"It doesn't matter really since we never got charged. Seems like Marko likes you."

Tony flushed and kept eating.

"I assume you two have known each other for a while?"

Tony finished chewing his bite. "I first met Marko when he was a just a teen after I started composing on my own. I used to go to Antony's for dinner and sometimes lunch. He's always be looking over my shoulder while he was cleaning to see what I was writing."

Elias smiled.

"Eventually we started talking about music on his breaks. He introduced me to my...he opened a few doors for me. I met Henkka through him as well."

Elias took another bite. "From the way he was talking about Henkka, you'd think they used to be lovers or something."

Tony sighed at his food. "I suspected it since we always went to Anthony's when Henkka came to visit. Something happened five years ago and we stopped going. I guess that's when Marko got married."

"And they broke up for good. I don't blame Henkka for not wanting to face Marko again. That happened to me when I broke up with my girlfriend years ago. I avoid going near her work whenever I could. Thankfully it wasn't a restaurant."

Tony's body got warm and he tried to ignore it. "You don't have a girlfriend?"

Elias glanced up with a raised eyebrow. "Why do you want to know?"

Tony flushed, his heart pounding hard in his chest. "No reason, I was just, um, surprised."

"And why is that?"

Tony turned a darker red and started to stammer. "Well...you are...nice looking. Most times people like that are taken."

"That is true and I am taken. I was talking about a previous girlfriend."

Tony frowned, his stomach turning over in knots.

Elias studied Tony's reaction and then closed his food carton. "Might as well get back to work. I'm sure you want to go bed at some point."

Tony nodded but didn't respond. The frown deepened on his face.

*********

Elias headed into the living room a few hours later, only to find Tony still sitting where he'd left him with cold food on his lap. "Tony?"

Tony set the container on the table and got up from the couch. "Finished?"

Elias headed for the kitchen. "Yes, it's all done. Though leave it to dry overnight and take a late breakfast tomorrow morning. Let me know if anything starts to pull apart or if the sealant starts to leak." He pulled out the company business card and wrote something on the back. "Here's my cell phone number. I don't have anything to do tomorrow as of yet so I should be available to fix anything that goes wrong."

Tony bit his lip and took the card.

Elias studied the frown on Tony's face before pulling out a metal binder from this bag. "Let me add up the total and we can finish this."

Tony stared down at the business card in his hand. Everything inside wanted to be left alone and to be with his music. He shook his head, telling himself that it was for the best. The job was done.

Elias moved closer to Tony to explain the bill. "Here's the part charges from yesterday on the pipes and here are the parts and labor for today. The total is 300 Euros."

Tony pulled out his credit card.

Elias took it, writing down the numbers and expiration date on the sheet. "You'll need to sign here at the bottom to authorize us to charge it."

Tony touched the metal binder and signed his name. He looked up at Elias, staring right into his brown eyes.

Elias stared back and then broke the connection. He stuffed the binder and pen into his bag. "Well, that's it. Call us if you have any other plumbing or flooring problems."

Tony followed Elias to the door, a dull ache building in his chest.

Elias opened the door and turned. "Goodbye, Tony."

Tony swallowed hard. "Goodbye."

*********

Unable to sleep, Tony laid in bed and stared at the ceiling. Too many things were cluttering his mind, first and foremost was Elias.

He couldn't figure out why he felt attracted to someone he had nothing in common with. They didn't listen to the same music, like the same things, or even act the same way. In essence, they were opposites.

And yet, Tony couldn't stop thinking about him. 

He was supposed to be concentrating on his new piano piece that needed to be recorded before he had to play the two shows. As it is, it was not even half done at the moment. He needed the rest of the middle and the ending. Usually he could just whip it out without thinking but right now he was scared that he wouldn't be able to finish it in time.

Tony shifted to his side and sighed. It had been a long time since anyone was able to distract him like this.

Tears gathered in Tony's eyes when he thought back. He tried to push them away like he always had, but they refused to listen weaving their way down his face. His hands fumbled to cover over his face while he sobbed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony is having trouble finishing his new piece. He might have to get help from an unlikely source.

Tony sat at his piano, putting his hands over the keys and waited.

But nothing came out.

He sat back on the piano bench, his mind still thinking of Elias and not on the music he was supposed to be composing. He couldn't understand why when Elias was actually there he was unable to play. And yet, when Elias wasn't he still couldn't play.

Elias inspired Tony to play after he left the first day, focusing on Elias' breath and incorporating it into his song. Why couldn't he play today?

Elias wasn't coming back, his mind filled in.

He had nothing for Elias to fix in order to get him back.

The garden.

Tony glanced over at the table holding the business card with Elias' cellphone number on it. If he called it and asked Elias to work in his backyard, then Elias would return.

Except, did he really want Elias to return? Was this all just for selfish motives in order to inspire Tony to keep on writing? Was that even fair to Elias in general?

Unable to stop himself, he got up from the bench and headed over to the table. He picked up the business card and shuffled to the phone.

Anxiety and fear gripped at Tony's body, the idea of talking on the phone to Elias. What if he said something he shouldn't? What if Elias refused his offer? What if Elias didn't answer and he had to call again?

Tony breathed deeply and picked up the phone.

It was then that a knock sounded on his front door.

*********

Tony froze, phone still in hand and the dial tone loudly buzzing from it.

Was Elias coming back? Did he somehow know that Tony needed him?

A voice came from the other side of the door. "Tony? It's Henkka."

Tony replaced the phone receiver. He wandered over to the door, unlocking and opening it.

Henkka smiled at him and shuffled inside. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. I got worried when I didn't hear music coming from inside."

Tony flushed and moved into the living room to sit down on the couch. "I...I was taking a break."

Henkka chuckled, sitting beside him on the couch. "Well, you don't have to play every moment of every day. It just seems like every time I come over, you're always playing."

Tony stared down at his hands and sighed.

Henkka frowned but continued to speak, "The reason I came over is for two things. First being that in two months the recording team will be here to record your next piece. I'll need the sheet music at that time for the CD booklet design."

Terror ran through Tony's body, unsure if he'd be able to finish it by then or ever.

"Tony? Are you alright?"

Tony shook his head. "I'm fine."

Henkka blinked at the reaction. "Um, ok. The other thing is someone has tried to charge your credit card today. I'm going to call the bank to reject it, but it's for 300 Euros."

Just the thought of Elias made Tony's heart start to beat faster. Tony glanced up at Henkka. "It's not fraud. I gave them the card number to charge."

Henkka pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket. "But it looks like it's for flooring and plumbing. You have no need for that."

Tony stared down at his hands again. "My pipe burst and flooded the kitchen. I called them and they sent a man to fix it."

Henkka gaped at Tony. "You called someone to fix it?"

"Yes, and it's fixed now. That's why there's the charge. I gave Elias the card number last night."

"Elias?"

Tony flushed, his body getting warm and anxious at the same time. "The man they sent. He was here for an hour two days ago and the whole day yesterday."

"You let someone inside?"

Tony bit his lip. "He was nice enough about it. Had a friend that used to be nervous about things."

"You talked with him?"

Tony stared at Henkka. "Why are you asking so many questions?"

"You're the most nervous person I've ever met, Tony. It's a big deal when you tell me that you let someone inside your house and interacted with them. It means you're finally coming to terms with all of this."

Tony got up from the couch to pace. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Tony, you need to deal with this. All you've been doing is ignoring it. Maybe it's finally time to leave this town and start anew."

Tony froze in place.

Henkka got up from the couch to touch Tony's shoulder. "I've been thinking about it, and it would do you good to get away from this place. All it ever does is bring you bad memories and I know you don't want that."

Tony shivered and wrapped his arms around his body. "I can't leave here. It's all I've ever known."

"That's not true and you know it. You had a life back in Kemi too. You only moved to Oulu because of...."

Tony cut him off. "Enough! I don't want to hear this, least of all from you."

Henkka sat back down on the couch. "Fine, have it your way. Have you completed your next piece?"

Tony sighed, shaking his head. "I'm missing the middle and end. All I have is the beginning."

"Is it because the man was here working?"

Images of Elias filtered into Tony's brain, making him feel warm again. "Maybe."

Henkka's eyebrow rose. "Why is it that every time I mention the guy that came here, you get distracted?"

Tony headed over to his piano. "Do you want to hear what I have so far?"

"Of course, I love hearing you play."

Tony sat the piano and silently prayed he would be able to play something. He laid his fingers on the keys and took a deep breath.

********

Henkka blinked when Tony finished. "Whoa, that's definitely intense. There's a lot of passion in this piece, not like there wasn't any in other pieces, but this one has it flowing out in waves."

Tony flushed but said nothing.

Henkka got up from the couch to approach the piano. "Also, it almost feels like we're listening to someone breathe. The staccato rhythms when it gets faster and the calming notes when it slows down."

Tony turned redder.

Henkka's eyebrow rose. "Is there something I should know?"

Tony stared down at the keys. "I, um, got the idea from watching Elias fix the pipes. The way his chest moved up and down as he breathed, it was calming to watch. And somehow it made its way into my playing that night."

"I see this Elias made quite the impression on you. I'm disappointed that I didn't get to meet him."

Tony opened his mouth to respond and then closed it. The last thing he wanted to tell Henkka was he was thinking of asking Elias back to do the garden. He just shrugged. "It was something to focus on to keep me calm. I haven't had anyone in my house in years."

"Indeed, which is what surprised me. You actually let someone in and got through it. It's a big step, Tony."

Tony rolled his eyes.

Henkka sighed at the reaction. "I only want you to be happy again. It's been years since I've seen you really smile, Tony. I know it's not easy living with the past that you have, but my job as your manager is to make sure you're happy."

Tony glanced up. "I am happy. Just because I'm not acting goofy or laughing all of the time doesn't mean I'm sad."

"Fair enough, but you would tell me if you weren't happy?"

Tony bit his lip. "Yes."

Henkka moved toward the door. "Well, that's all I came by to do. I'll ignore the plumbing charge and I'll see you in two months for the recording sessions."

Tony followed him to the door, hesitating and then saying, "Do you really think I'm getting better?"

Henkka turned to look into Tony's brown eyes. "The fact that you let someone in and didn't have to call me first proves that. You're stronger than you think, Tony, and I believe this is the first step."

Tony leaned against the cool wooden door after Henkka left and breathed deeply. He was so sure Henkka would press further if he was really happy. To be honest he didn't know what he was anymore. Something had changed inside and he was pretty sure it had to do with Elias.

He glanced over the phone on the table and bit his lip.

********

With a sigh, Tony picked up the telephone receiver and looked down at the business card in his hand. Trembling fingers dialed the number Elias left for him.

The line rang in Tony's ear.

Tony shuffled his feet and worried that Elias wouldn't answer.

The line clicked and a voice came out of the receiver, "Hey Tony."

Tony gaped, pulling the receiver away from his ear and looking at it.

"Tony? Are you there?"

Tony swallowed hard, replacing the receiver and responding. "Uh, yes. How did you know it was me?"

A chuckle filled Tony's ear. "I add numbers of jobs I do to my phone in case I need to call them for whatever reason. Since it was a few days ago, I never bothered to delete yours."

Tony blinked. "And phones show that when they ring?"

"Yeah, cell phones do. Has Henkka never showed his to you?"

Tony shook his head and then felt stupid at the reaction when Elias couldn't see it. "No, we don't really talk about those things. Just my music and business stuff."

"So why did you call? Is the flooring having problems?"

Tony sighed. "No, it's fine. I was...you said...you said you liked to garden and I have one but it's overrun with weeds."

"Definitely, do you want to set up a time for me to come over to work on it? It's going to take several visits to clear out the weeds and prep it for flowers or vegetables. Though they can be as spread out as you want."

"But what about your plumbing job? Won't this interfere?"

"No, I'll do this on a weekend when I'm not on call anymore. I have my own tools that I can put in my truck after work on Friday."

Tony took a deep breath. "Ok, then how about next Saturday?"

"Sounds good. I'll add it to my phone calendar. Does 10:00am work for you? Or I can come later if you want?"

"That works for me. I'll already be up and I can unlock the side gate so you can bring your stuff in. That way you don't have to walk it through my house."

"Perfect. I'll see you then."

Tony let his eyes drift shut, the urge to play was building inside him again.

"Tony?"

Tony flushed. "Right, I'll see you on Saturday."

"Great, I'll let you go then."

********

For the next two days Tony played all day, urged on by the notion that Elias would be coming back. He had no idea why it was, but it was working so he thought it was best to not question it.

Music flowed out of him in waves and he committed every note to memory so he would be able to duplicate it for the album. Only when he stopped for a breather did he write down the notes on the stack of sheet music that sat on top of his piano. 

Usually, it was bare unless he was writing something. He had no use or desire for piles of paper but Henkka wanted it for the liner notes and sheet music sales. 

The very idea of others attempting his personal pieces confused him. Would they feel the overwhelming emotions that he felt when they played it? Would they just follow along with the notes and ignore it or were they even capable of feeling it at all?

Tony shook his head. There was no use dwelling on things he would never know. He had a piece to finish and that's all that matter right now.

********

While Tony was washing dishes, a knock sounded on his front door. He took a deep breath and switched off the sink.

He felt himself smile for the first time in years as he crossed the hallway. The idea of Elias here again was making him happy but he still didn't know why. He should be nervous and unsure, scared of things going wrong.

And yet, all he felt was longing.

Tony opened the door and gave a small smile to Elias.

Elias blinked and smiled back. "Good morning."

Tony moved to the side to let Elias in but frowned when Elias didn't move. "You don't want to come in?"

Elias pointed down to his pickup. "I have equipment with me, remember? You don't want me to bring them inside your house."

"Right, the side gate. I will...."

Elias watched Tony's eyes cloud over. "Why don't you just give me the key? I can unlock it and then give the keys back."

Tony let out a trapped breath, reaching into his suit pocket and handing over the keys. "It's the one with the green cap and the number three on it."

Elias turned to go down the steps.

Tony was about to go back inside but stayed to watch Elias open his truck and get his items out. A lawnmower, a weed whacker, a shovel and various small things Tony couldn't make out from his position.

Elias glanced up and smiled.

Tony smiled back, this time with a big smile.

*******

Elias gave Tony the keys back and headed into the backyard. Tony watched him from the kitchen window while he finished the last of the dishes. He licked his lips when Elias removed his shirt and then flushed when he realized what he'd done.

He shouldn't be looking at Elias like that. Elias was taken, promised to another.

Tony moved over to grab a towel to dry off his hands. The feelings and things taking place inside confused him at times. He was smart enough to know what they were but he couldn't figure out what was causing them.

Did he secretly want Elias? Wasn't his music enough for him anymore?

Tony shuffled away from the kitchen window. He needed something to distract him from these kinds of thoughts.

********

In the end, Tony stood at the top of the basement steps and looked down. He had a door to the backyard at the end of the basement. One movement and he could be outside, watching Elias work in his yard.

Outside.

Tony took a deep breath, trying to calm the unrest inside. The only time he ever stepped foot outside was for his concerts and that was just twice a year. Beyond that, he stayed inside where it was safe and protected.

One step outside couldn't guarantee that this time would be like it was with Henkka. He stayed by Tony's side the whole time down the steps to the car Henkka rented for the concert.

This time he would be by himself stepping outside. Sure, Elias was outside working in his backyard but Tony had to get to him first.

All he need to do was take that first step

Tony gripped the handrail hard and tried to ignore the fear building up. It was just his basement, a place he'd been in hundreds of times for saunas and laundry. There was nothing to fear.

His right leg moved forward on its own and down the step. Tony swallowed hard, making his way down each step as if they were made of glass.

Once he arrived at the bottom, he turned and glanced up the steps. Tony blinked, startled that he did it. He was downstairs and nothing bad had happened.

He turned to look at the door that led to his backyard. Despite living in this house for the past fifteen years, he rarely ever went into the backyard this way. He had a key for it on the same ring as the others but he had no need to go out of it.

Until now.

Tony pulled out his ring of keys, color-coded to where they go. Green keys were for outside, red key went to the basement, and blue keys for small things like safes and filing cabinets. There were also numbers on the keys that had the same color.

His fingers flicked the other green keys to the side to find the key with a two on it. He reached out and touched the door with his hand, feeling the solid wood that kept out the cold in the winter and the heat in the summer.

Tony swallowed hard and put the key into the lock, hearing it click and unlock the door. He replaced the keys into his pants pocket and pulled open the door.

*******

Elias was mowing an unruly part of the grass when he spotted a door opening in the distance. He stopped short and switched off the motor. "Tony? Is everything alright?"

Tony stood by the opened door looking out with wild eyes.

Elias raced over to where Tony was standing. "Tony? Are you ok?"

"It's more overgrown than I thought."

Elias' eyebrow rose. "Well, it hasn't been tended to for years."

Tony looked at the three steps that led to the grass below. "Oh, I forgot there were steps out here."

Elias watched Tony walk down each step carefully. "If you want to be out here for the garden, then maybe I should build a small deck that these stairs can lead to?"

Tony glanced up at Elias when he arrived at the bottom. "Can you do that?"

Elias smiled. "Yeah, it's not a hard to do. Especially if you only want one for yourself and maybe someone else."

"Would it cost a lot?"

"No, I have lots of spare wood around my house. I can easily build you a small deck in a couple hours. Even the stain to protect the wood would only cost like 15 Euros."

Tony shuffled a few feet away from the house, focusing on the older tree in the far back corner to keep him calm.

"Where are you going, Tony?"

"I just...I just wanted to see if I could move around the backyard. I'm alright, you can go back to mowing."

Elias hesitated before moving away. "Let me know if you need anything."

Tony kept moving forward. There was nothing in here to harm him, he was safe, he told himself. It was perfectly fine to walk around a backyard, that's what it was there for.

Elias returned to mowing but still watched Tony from a distance.

Halfway to the tree he was focusing on, his chest started to tighten. Would it still be there, etched on the outer truck after all these years? 

The closer he got to it, the harder his heart started to beat. 

By the time he got within ten feet of it, he froze in place. Did he dare to look? Was it just a fading memory like all of the rest?

The lawnmower switched off behind Tony and heavy footfalls swished through the tall grass.

That was the last thing Tony would hear before blacking out.

********

Tony woke with a start, unsure of where he was. He blinked in the dim light and turned his head, a wince escaping his lips.

He was on his living room couch. The table lamp and the rest of the furnishings giving it away.

How did he get here? Wasn't he just walking in the backyard or was that too just a dream?

The sound of running water came from the kitchen.

Tony pushed himself to his feet, wondering why the sink was running and he was out here. Did he have another leak?

The water stopped when Tony approached the doorway. He squinted his eyes to make out a tall man standing by the sink. "Who...who are you?"

Elias turned around and rushed over to Tony. "You shouldn't be up that fast, you fell to the ground pretty hard."

Tony let himself be led back to the couch to sit down. "What happened?"

Elias stood beside the couch. "I was hoping you'd tell me. One minute you were moving slowly around the backyard and then the next minute you were tumbling to the ground."

Tony tried to think back, but all he could come up with was blank space. "I don't...I don't remember that. Must have blacked out. I haven't done that in years."

"This has happened before? Why didn't you warn me?"

Tony laid back on the couch. "It's been years since it last happened. How can I warn you for that?"

Elias moved away from the couch. "I was just scared, scared that I let you roam free and then you did this. If you hadn't woken up, I would've called for an ambulance."

Tony shuddered, memories of being at the Oulu hospital coming back into his head. "No, I'm fine. I must have overexerted myself by being so far away from the house."

"But why did it happen when approaching a tree? At least I think that's where you were headed."

Tony blinked, the memories of this afternoon flooded back. "The tree...yes, that's why this happened. I wanted to see if it was real, that it was still there."

"I don't understand. Of course the tree was real, I mowed some grass not 20 feet from it today."

Tony stared down at his hands. "No, not that. The tree is real, but if what's on it was real. A thing from my past that keeps haunting me." He stopped to close his eyes. "I have so many weird and disconnected dreams that I'm not sure if what's in them is real, that I'm remembering things of my past and not just fantasizing."

Elias frowned at Tony. "On it? You mean carved into the bark? Well, that's easy to figure out. I'll just go out there and look for you."

"No, it's not important. Please just forget about it. I'm sorry for scaring you."

"Why are you so afraid of me seeing what's on the tree?"

Tony scoffed and got to his feet. He took the glass of water Elias had been offering and downed it. "I'm fine now. Don't you have gardening to do?"

Elias opened his mouth to respond but just closed it. "Yes, I do. I hope you feel better."

Tony watched Elias head down to the basement before collapsing back on the couch, shaking like a leaf.

*********

Tony stayed on the couch until his stomach rumbled, realizing it was almost dinnertime. He pushed himself off the couch and headed for the kitchen.

Only after he gathered the things for dinner and set them on the counter did he look out the window to see if Elias was still there. Sure enough, Elias was outside but looked to be packing up his stuff.

Tony sighed and went about making dinner.

Elias appeared at the top of basement steps a short time later. He watched Tony cook before speaking, "It's getting dark out there. I should probably call it a day."

Tony dumped the ingredients of the recipe into the pot. "Um, how do I pay you? I doubt you accept credit cards."

"Check?"

Tony left the kitchen, heading for the living room again. He dug around in an antique chest of drawers and retrieved a checkbook. "I assume these are still valid after all these years. They don't seem to have an expiration date."

Elias followed him into the living room. "So how do you want to do this? By the hour? I didn't use anything that would cost extra like plants or soil."

"Um, how much do you make an hour at your job?"

Elias blinked. "My plumbing job? 15 Euros an hour, but I'm not going to charge you that amount for gardening."

"You arrived at 10:00am right?"

Elias shuffled over to where Tony was standing. "Yes, but...."

Tony wrote out an amount, signing his name at the bottom. He tore off the check and handed it to Elias. "Is that a fair amount?"

Elias stared at the check. "But this is for 150 Euros. Fifteen times eight hours is 120 Euros."

Tony shrugged and put away his checkbook. "You carried me back in here after I passed out. That's not exactly gardening work, so I'm giving you extra for it."

"Um, thank you." Elias put the check into his pants pocket. "Do you want me to come over next weekend?"

Tony thought for a moment and then said, "Yes, next Saturday will be fine if you're available."

Elias watched Tony return to the kitchen to stir his meal in a large pot. He bit his lip and then entered the kitchen to stand near Tony. "I know you told me not to, but I was curious." He retrieved his cell phone and showed it to Tony.

Tony swallowed hard and glanced down at the display. He gaped at the image.

"You were right, it does have something carved into the outside. Though it's starting to fade now."

Tony bit his lip, tears gathering in his eyes. "So I didn't imagine it."

"I assume TK is you but who is OT?"

Tony gripped the countertop to steady himself. "I...she's...someone out of my past."

Elias moved away from Tony, frowning at the tears falling down Tony's face. "Of course, I didn't mean to push you. I'll show myself out and see you next Saturday."

Tony nodded, still holding onto the countertop and trying to stop the tears from falling.

*******

After he finished dinner, Tony set his plate on the coffee table. He got up and headed for an oak cabinet in the corner of the room. Pulling out a key, he unlocked the top drawer. He reached deep into the drawer to pull out an object taped to the top of it.

They'd searched everywhere years ago, but Tony hid various things away so they wouldn't find them in random places.

Like the small brown envelope in his hands. Tony turned it over and opened the top to pull out several photos. He sat down on the arm of the couch and looked through them.

He hadn't seen her face in years nor did he want to be reminded that she was indeed real. He'd hoped she was just some random girl in his dreams and nightmares, but in the end she wasn't.

It wasn't until Elias showed him the carving of their initials in the tree that he remembered about the hidden photos in the desk.

Tony's lower lip trembled as he ran his fingers over the woman's smiling face in the photo. It wasn't meant to be for them, life or rather fate had taken her away from him years ago. She was never coming back, that much he was certain, but it didn't make it easier.

They were supposed to live their lives together forever.

In the end, only Tony had the chance to live it.

*******

Tony sat at the piano and waited for the next part to come to him.

Instead, an old haunting tune played through his head, urging him to play it again once more. He'd written it after she was gone. It was the only thing he could play for years, haunting his dreams and thoughts. Every moment had it playing in the background of his mind, driving him to the edge of sanity with each passing minute.

It broke him and sent him to a place in his life he never thought he'd end up.

Tony shuddered, images of makeshift knives and cutting filled his mind. He took a deep breath, focusing on his staccato breathing to stop it from assaulting his senses. They were only memories of his past, they couldn't hurt him anymore.

Or so the doctors had told him.

They were never haunted by it like Tony was. If he could, he'd carve out that piece of his mind so the memories would be gone forever.

Tony started playing the haunting piece. It was never going to leave him alone until he did.

Tears gathered in his eyes, the memories of those dark times continued to come at him like out of control freight trains. One by one, they started to chip away at the wall he'd built up over the years to keep everything out.

He didn't want to remember. He didn't want to think about it. He just wanted peace.

Was that so much to ask?

********

Elias arrived again the following Saturday. He blinked at Tony's bloodshot eyes when he opened the door. "Um, are you alright?"

Tony opened the door to let Elias in and then remembered about the side gate. He pulled out the keys and handed them to Elias without a word.

"Tony? Is this because of the picture I showed you?"

A sigh escaped Tony's lips. "I didn't want to remember, the pain was too much and yet I can't escape it anymore. The mark on the tree is real which means my past is too."

Elias closed the door behind him to stand in front of Tony. "I'm sorry, I should have just left it alone and not showed you the picture. I didn't want this to happen."

Tony stared at the floor. "It was bound to happen eventually. I was a fool to think that I could just forget everything." He stopped and glanced up at Elias. "I'm sorry, I'm not myself today."

"Do you want me to come back next week?"

"No, I need you here or I won't be able to finish my piece."

Elias blinked. "I don't understand."

Tony walked away from Elias toward his piano and sat down on the bench. "I can't explain it, but every time you're here I get inspired to write more of my song."

Elias moved over to the piano. "So I'm like your muse?"

"I guess you are. Plus I'm curious to see what you do with my yard." He stopped to swallow hard. "Like you said last time, it hasn't been taken care of in a while. It will be nice to see something when I look out the window while washing dishes instead of tall grass."

"To be honest, I don't know what to do with it right now. All I'm doing for these first days is just getting rid of the weeds and mowing the grass."

Tony stared at the keys of his piano. "I see you found my flower box."

Elias snorted. "Yeah, I almost destroyed it with my mower. I had no idea there was anything in the tall grass out there."

"I built it for a small flower bed but I never got as far as planting anything in it. I still have more fertilizer in my basement if you need it. It's just gathering dust at this point."

Elias moved away from the piano to glance at the kitchen. "Is it by where the sealant was?"

Tony thought for a moment. "I believe so."

Elias headed for the basement door with the keys in his hand. "I assume the door you used from the basement is on this ring as well? Then I can just take it outside from there."

Tony got up from the piano and shuffled over to where Elias was standing. He pointed to the small green key. "It's that one. It will open the outside door."

"Do you still want me to make a deck for you to sit? I have lots of various pieces of wood that I can use for it if you don't mind what it looks like."

Tony sighed, his eyes filling up with tears again.

"You don't have to decide now. I can do it at any point before winter starts."

Tony watched Elias disappear down the stairs to the basement. He leaned against the wall to steady the unrest swirling inside.

********

Tony was making lunch when Elias called from the basement. He finished the sautéed veggies and switched off the stove. Taking a deep breath, he moved over to the opened basement door. "Yes?"

"Hey, there's some white stones down here. Were you thinking of making a path with them?"

Tony paused, remembering that got them to put around the flowers. "No, not really. I was going to decorate the flowerbed with them. Though you don't have to do that."

"Well, you have two bags and I could easily make a narrow path out of them. Leading around the garden or even to the three trees in the yard."

Tony frowned. "Three trees?"

Elias appeared at the bottom of the basement steps. "Yes, three of them. The one that you carved, the other opposite of that one and another near the gate. The one by the gate is younger than the other two. It probably started growing in the past ten to fifteen years judging by the base."

Tony gaped. "I...I didn't know one was growing over there. You can't see if from the cars Henkka picks me up with."

"I can take a picture of it if you want me too. It's the same type as the other two, just smaller. I assume some of their seeds made it over there and it started to grow."

"Can you see it from the lower basement door?"

Elias thought for a moment and then moved away from the stairs. "I'll see."

Tony let out a trapped breath. Another tree in his yard and one that could be the same age as when...

His thoughts were interrupted by Elias calling out.

"Yeah, you can somewhat see it from the door. You'd have to walk out a few steps, but that's all."

Tony bit his lip and went down the basement steps to stand beside Elias. "Show me."

Elias led Tony to the outer door and stepped outside. He glanced back at Tony. "It's just past these outside steps."

Tony took a deep breath, going down the outside steps and looking out.

Elias stood close beside him and pointed. "It's right there in the distance."

Tony stared at the fifteen-foot tree. "It must have starting growing after I was out here. I would have remembered a small tree by the gate."

"Which means you haven't been out here for over a decade. No wonder the grass was so tall."

Tony shook his head. "I tried but I just couldn't do it. I needed to stay inside, that was my place to be."

Elias watched Tony climb back up the stairs to the basement. "You don't have to always be inside anymore."

Tony turned to glance at Elias. "Maybe, but I don't feel pain in there."

********

After Elias left for the day, Tony returned to his piano. In front of him on top of the piano was a picture of the woman that he'd found in the desk drawer. He sighed at it, memories of her making their way back into his mind again. Over the years he'd tried to keep those memories at bay, locked away to be never seen again.

Yet there she was in front of him. Her smiling face so full of joy and love. He'd tried so hard to forget her but she kept coming back into his mind while he slept. The unrest drove him crazy for the first few years and then he just pushed her away into the deep recesses of his mind.

Until now. Now she was back in his thoughts and a constant reminder of his past actions.

Tony touched the photo, stroking the side of her face. He longed to touch her again, even for one night. Something to make the ache inside go away for good.

They didn't let Tony be with her when she died, locking him up far away from her. Maybe that's why he longed for her so much afterward. He never got the chance to say goodbye, even if to a corpse. There was no closure, just gaping wounds left bleeding.

Tony sighed, not bothering to brush away the tears that rolled down his face.

Maybe it was finally time for him to deal with this once and for all.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony's song is almost complete with the help of Elias. Everything is going smoothly until it's time to record the song. Will someone come to Tony's aid or will it be a disaster?

Two Saturdays later, there was a knock on the door when Tony was making breakfast. He smiled and headed over to open it. The smile died on his lips when he noticed who was standing in his doorway.

"Tony?"

Tony allowed Henkka to enter. "I wasn't expecting you for another month."

Henkka closed the door behind him and turned. "Yes, but we have something to discuss before that. Namely these." He reached into his coat pocket and produced some canceled checks.

Tony wandered back into the kitchen, unable to say anything to Henkka about the checks he was writing to Elias. How was he supposed to explain to Henkka that he was basically paying Elias to be there so he could finish his song?

Henkka followed Tony. "Tony, we need to discuss this. Why are you paying some local guitarist every week?"

Tony turned to face Henkka. "Local guitarist?"

"I looked up who Elias Viljanen was when the first check appeared. He's a guitarist who plays in many bands around town. Why would you be paying him money?"

Tony opened his mouth to answer only to have a knock on the door cut him off. He wandered back into the hallway for the door. The last thing he wanted was Henkka to meet Elias in person but it looked like he wouldn't get his wish.

He opened the door and smiled at Elias who was standing on the porch. "Hey."

Elias smiled back and crossed the doorway. "Hey. Before I get the keys, I just wanted to say that I saw your picture near the concert hall. It was a little jarring to be walking by and there you were."

Tony turned back to look at Henkka, who was now standing in the kitchen doorway. "Already?"

Henkka wandered over to stand by Tony. "Yes, they always have posters out this early. The actual concert isn't until December."

Elias wiped his hand on his work pants, offering it to Henkka. "Um hi, I'm Elias."

Henkka turned to face Elias but didn't shake Elias' hand. "How appropriate."

Elias pulled his hand back. "I don't understand."

Tony dug into his suit pocket, producing a large ring of keys. "Here's the keys to the gate."

Elias took the keys and frowned at both of them.

Tony swallowed hard. "I have some things to discuss with Henkka."

Elias opened the door to go outside and sighed.

********

Tony only got two steps toward the kitchen before Henkka reached out and grabbed his arm. He stared at the floor and waited for the yelling to commence.

"Why does he need keys to your gate?"

Tony bit his lip. "He's...he's gardening for me."

Henkka stared at Tony. "He's gardening for you. And you let him have access to every part of your house in the process?"

"No, just the backyard. And sometimes the basement for tools and such."

Henkka let go of Tony's arm. "I don't like this, Tony. This man is a stranger in your house. How did he even find out you needed a gardener?"

Tony wandered back into the kitchen and removed his breakfast from the burner. "He looked out the kitchen window."

"How did he gain access to your house in the first place? Did he force you to do this?"

Tony turned with a horrified look. "No, he was here to fix my kitchen pipes and flooring. While we were having lunch, he looked out the window and noticed I had a backyard that was overgrown. He offered to take care of it for me."

"And did he suggest this high rate you've been paying him at? From what I can figure, it's 15 Euros an hour."

Tony shuffled his feet. "It is 15 Euros an hour and I'm the one who said I would pay him that. He was going to ask for much less, but I figured he should get more for cleaning up my yard."

"I don't understand why you'd want it at all. You haven't set foot outside without me in over a decade."

Tony opened his mouth to respond, realizing that telling Henkka he'd gone outside and passed out was not a good idea right now. "I can see it from the kitchen sink. Just because it's out there, doesn't mean I can't appreciate it."

Henkka moved into the kitchen and looked out the window. His eyebrow went up when Elias' shirt came off. "Or him for that matter. Please tell me you're not paying him in order to watch him parade around without his shirt."

Tony flushed and put his breakfast on a plate. "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not into that sort of thing."

Henkka glanced back at Tony when his breathing became gasps. He touched Tony's shoulder and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you upset. I just...you've been alone here for years and now you suddenly have a gardener. It's just surprising, that's all."

Tony fumbled into his suit pockets to find his inhaler. He squeezed it and got a hit of steroids into the back of his throat. "I'm surprised by it too, but he never bothers me when he's working out there. He leaves me be until it's time to leave or at lunch."

"Fair enough, but please be careful."

Tony turned to look Henkka in the eyes. "I will."

Henkka removed his hand. "How long is this supposed to go on?"

Tony shrugged. "I don't know, until it's finished?"

"Well, tell him that you'll be busy in several weeks with recording. We don't need any distractions."

Tony followed Henkka to the front door. "I'm sorry...for not telling you."

Henkka stood by the door. "I know you hate phones so it's not like you can just call me up one night. Still, it would have been nice to know that you were planning this around the time I was last here. You paid him a few days later."

"I wasn't sure if you would approve or not. And I didn't know if he would say yes."

Henkka opened the door and looked back at Tony. "Just remember what I said, be careful."

********

Tony headed back to the kitchen with a frown on his face. The day started with so much promise and now it was like this. He looked outside to spot Elias pulling weeds in the garden.

His face flushed when he realized Henkka had been right with Elias not wearing a shirt. He willed his body to calm down, to not look at the muscles along Elias' back twisting and turning around as he worked.

The spell was broken when he spotted Henkka approaching Elias in the backyard.

A sigh escaped Tony's lips.

********

Elias glanced up when a shadow covered his place on the ground. "Um, hi?"

Henkka looked at the newly weeded patch and then at Elias. "Why are you doing this?"

"I don't understand."

"He doesn't need someone like you in his life. All you are is eye candy to him and that's not helping him deal with his past."

Elias rolled his eyes and went back to his work. "And locking him away without anyone is? I'm only here to garden, nothing more. Whatever you think of me is wrong."

"And yet you're taking payments far exceeding what normal gardeners get."

Elias glanced back up at Henkka. "Tony offered to give me the same rate as my plumbing job. I didn't make him pay me this rate. Yes, it's a nice to have extra money in the bank but I'm not doing this to get rich quick. I love to garden."

"I find that hard to believe. You get called out to rich guy's place to fix the pipes and decided to keep being here for other things."

Elias put his gloves to the side and got to his feet. "And what would you know of anything? You leave him alone for long stretches of time without a word and then expect him to be at your beck and call whenever you feel like it. Who's the one taking advantage of Tony now?"

Henkka bristled in place. "How dare you accuse me of taking advantage of Tony. I've been his manager for the past ten years and I've cared for him every single day. Who do you think keeps everything running smoothly? It's not Tony."

"You'd be surprised at how strong Tony really is. Then again, you wouldn't even know because you coddle him like a child. If you really want him to heal then start treating him like an adult."

Henkka shook his head. "You know nothing of Tony's past. Stop pretending like you do."

"I know more than you think. Despite all of the rumors and hearsay, his story has been out there for a long time. He's tortured by his actions and you leave him here alone to suffer every single day. If my being here brightens his life a little then I'm ok with that. Something to get his mind off a past he's buried so far away."

Henkka was about to respond when a voice was heard in the distance. Both men gaped at the person stumbling over to their position.

"Stop this!"

Elias moved away from Henkka. "Tony! What are you doing out here?"

Tony gasped for a breath and shook his head at Elias. "Just go back to work. I'll...I'll deal with Henkka."

Elias held onto Tony's arm. "No, I'll help you back inside. I'm sorry for upsetting you."

Henkka moved over to take Tony's other arm. "I'll take it from here. You have work to do."

Elias frowned when Tony wiggled out of his hold. 

********

Tony sat on the couch shaking his head. "Why do you have to question everything I do?"

Henkka came out of the kitchen with a cup of coffee and sat down opposite Tony in a chair. "It's my job to question everything. I don't want others to take advantage of you."

A frown crossed Tony's face. "I'm not a helpless child."

Henkka sipped his coffee.

"I'm not! I can do things for myself. I called the plumber to fix my sink and I have a gardener that comes over. I can do this, Henkka."

Henkka took another sip before answering. "Look at this from my perspective, Tony. I've been here with you for over a decade. When she...let's just say after it happened you weren't in a good state of mind. I know you remember the guards posted here to make sure you didn't commit suicide, to make sure you ate and took care of yourself." He stopped to sigh. "I wasn't allowed to intervene, and it still annoys me, because I could have handled it better than it went. I've tried my best to make sure you weren't haunted by your past anymore, not alluding to it and just letting you play the piano. I believe that's what you wanted."

Tony stared down at his hands. "Playing means everything to me. Maybe too much but it's been there for me every step of the way. Sometimes when no one else has."

Henkka finished off his coffee. "I'm sorry that I haven't been there enough for you. Living in Kokkola doesn't help matters but that's where my family is. Maybe I should think of getting a place up here so that I can be closer if you ever need me."

Tony tensed up but said nothing.

Henkka studied him. "If you want, of course. Please tell me if that's what you want. It's easy enough to get a simple apartment in Oulu and come up more than every couple months."

Tony frowned.

Henkka sighed at Tony's expression. "As I said, that's up to you. If you're fine with what it's like now then I'm fine with it. It's my job to make sure you're happy with my work. Just because I manage almost everything doesn't mean you don't have a say in it. In the past, you just let me do everything because you just wanted to play. If you truly want to do more, then I can't say no."

Tony stared across the room at his piano. "I just...I want more freedom when it comes to people in my house. I trust Elias, and him being here is helping me with my composition. I wouldn't have finished it without him."

Henkka sat back in the chair. "Speaking of compositions, we're recording in the coming weeks. Is it done yet?"

"Not yet, I need the ending. The only drawback about him being my muse is I can't work when he's here. It comes to me afterward."

"Can I hear what you have so far?"

Tony got up from the couch and crossed the room to the piano. He touched the top of it and sat down. "It's not going to be as long as the other pieces that I have but it's enough for the recording."

Henkka stayed in the living room to listen.

Tony put his hands over the keys and played.

********

Henkka got up from the chair and wandered over to stand next to the piano. "I wondered if it was going to go a little crazy in the middle and you didn't disappoint."

"It's beautiful."

Tony glanced over at the kitchen doorway and flushed.

Elias walked to the other side of the piano, opposite of Henkka. "Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. I just wanted to see if you wanted something to eat. It's lunchtime."

Henkka's eyebrow rose. "What would he want something out there? He has groceries delivered every other week."

Elias opened his mouth to respond but Tony cut him off.

"Not today, but thank you for asking."

Elias nodded. "Sure, I'll be back in fifteen minutes."

Tony watched him exit through the front door.

Henkka turned to Tony. "Is this a normal occurrence?"

Tony stared down at the piano keys. "He bought me lunch when he was doing the flooring the second day. Burgers from that old burger place down the road." He stopped to bite his lip. "And also dinner on that same day. Though they didn't charge him for it."

"Why not?"

Tony swallowed hard, knowing full well bringing up Marko was not a good idea at this point. "They apparently see him a lot."

Henkka blinked and then shook his head. "You're a bad liar, Tony. Where did he get the food from?"

"Anthony's."

Henkka stepped back from the piano, a shocked expression on his face.

Tony mumbled into his suit, hoping Henkka wouldn't hear it. "The owner delivered it himself. They didn't charge Elias because of me."

Henkka's eyes drifted shut. "Make."

"I was surprised to see him standing at my front door. It's been a while."

A sigh escaped Henkka's lips. "Did he look the same?"

Tony smiled. "Older than I last saw him but the smile was still the same, squinty eyes with a big grin."

Henkka stared down at the smooth surface of the piano. "I see. Well, that's good I guess."

Tony frowned but didn't push it. At this point, he could only speculate on how their relationship ended. "So the recording gear is coming in three weeks?"

Henkka took a deep breath and looked up at Tony. "Yes, and make sure you tell your gardener to skip those weeks. I don't need you distracted from the task at hand. We only have a small window to get it done and shipped off to the record label for mastering."

"Pasi's team again?"

"Yes, I like how well they finished it up without causing problems with you or the label. Plus they made sure to not make any messes unlike the one before them. I'm still pissed at the last team that they ruined your green rug."

Tony got up from the piano to head for the kitchen. "I didn't even notice, to be honest. You replaced it with something similar anyway."

"That doesn't matter, they shouldn't have ruined in the first place. I'm not paying them money to leave a trail of destruction in your house. Either way, it doesn't matter because I'm happy with Pasi's work. That and we've known each other since we were kids."

Tony started making lunch. "Then why did you use that other company in the first place?"

Henkka moved to stand in the doorway of the kitchen. "Pasi didn't have a studio back then or I would have. He spent a good five years traveling around with various bands doing their sound work and then finally settled down to create a studio."

The front door opened and Elias stepped inside. He glanced over at Henkka who was still giving him an annoyed look and then at Tony. "I'm back. I'll just eat outside so you can discuss stuff."

Tony opened his mouth, intent on telling Elias himself about the coming weeks but Henkka beat him to it.

"Don't bother coming over for the next three weeks. Tony will be busy recording."

Elias nodded. "Of course, I remember Tony saying something about that in the past. Do they record in Tony's house?"

"Why do you ask?"

Elias shrugged. "Well, if they don't then I could continue to work in the garden."

Henkka rolled his eyes. "Sorry to disappoint you, but it's recorded here. Tony doesn't need any distractions while he plays."

"Well, it was a thought." He walked past Tony to the basement, catching his eyes before heading down the steps.

Tony sighed and went back to making his lunch.

Henkka grabbed his coat. "I have a few things to do in town so I'll be going. Please think about what I said from before and be careful."

Tony nodded but didn't look over at Henkka. "I will."

********

Tony picked up the tray with his lunch and headed for the entrance to the kitchen. He stopped short and glanced out the window. The sun had disappeared outside, replaced by fluffy white clouds.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and headed for the basement door. It wasn't raining and the clouds didn't look menacing, so why not eat outside with Elias?

The basement door was already open, slightly ajar from when Elias went through it. One push and he could pass without any problems.

Should he just go out there without telling Elias? What if Elias relished his time alone? He didn't want to interrupt that, just as Elias had with his music.

Tony took a deep breath and pushed the door open. There was only one way to find out and that was to just do it.

Despite the jumble of nerves inside as he moved down each step to the basement, his breath stayed steady and normal. Well not normal for him, but it was nice to not have an asthma attack on the stairs while holding his lunch.

Tony arrived at the bottom and glanced back at the stairs. He'd made it down them without any problems. He could do this.

The door outside was closed as Tony expected it to be. Even Elias wouldn't be that reckless. With one hand balancing the tray against his body, the other turned the knob.

********

Tony winced at the bright light outdoors. He didn't realize his house was much darker than the outside, regardless if the sun was out or not. The previous time didn't seem as bright but he couldn't remember much of that day to be honest. It became a blur of the past like the rest of his life.

He expected Elias to be sitting on the steps, but he was over by the newly revealed flower box in the middle of the backyard. In his hands, Elias had some kind of small device that he was reading. He hadn't noticed Tony coming out yet.

Tony was fine with that, sitting down on the second to the bottom step and balancing the tray on his lap. He picked up the meat sandwich he'd made and took a bite.

Twenty minutes passed with them eating their food. Tony finished off his bowl of soup and sat the tray on the step behind him. He took a deep breath, the smells of late summer filling his nose. Birds chirped from the trees, watching Elias like Tony was, and flavorful flowers and grasses swayed a little in the breeze.

Elias stretched and put the device away. He picked up a small shovel intent on digging in the flower box but then froze.

Tony held his breath, unsure of what was going on.

Elias turned and blinked his eyes a few times. "Tony?"

Tony flushed a little. "Yes, I thought I'd eat outside. Henkka left and it's a nice day out here."

"Oh, ok. Hopefully, I didn't get you into trouble today with him."

"Henkka is...he's protective of me. Sometimes too much but I believe he means well. I just wish he wouldn't treat you with disdain. You've done nothing wrong."

Elias shrugged and went back to digging in the flower box. "That doesn't matter as much to me. I just don't like him treating you like a child."

Tony leaned over his body to hug his legs. "My life hasn't been very good at times and for a while I needed someone to do everything for me. And Henkka did that and still does it. It's only now that I have a bit of strength to do things for myself."

Elias dug a hole and put in a small plant. "You've always had that strength, Tony. Life has finally given you the push to take control."

Tony shivered and held his legs tighter. "I don't know about that. There are still some things that I would rather Henkka deal with like record label meetings."

Elias smiled, patting fresh dirt around the plant. "Well, he is your manager. He's supposed to be meeting with record label suits."

Tony bit his lip. "Are you really a local guitarist who plays in a lot of bands?"

Elias turned and frowned at Tony. "How did you know that?"

"Well, Henkka said...."

Elias rolled his eyes. "He checked up on me. Why am I not surprised?"

"He's protective of me."

Elias went back to working with the flower box. "I noticed and yes I play guitar in a few local bands. It's not serious, just whenever we have the time."

"Do you play an acoustic guitar?"

Elias' eyebrow rose. "Didn't you ask me that early on? I have one in my closet but I only use it for composing like my keyboard."

"You play the piano?"

Elias laughed at the shocked expression on Tony's face. "Don't worry, you have no competition in me. I just mess around on my old keyboard to find notes I make songs out of. I'm a mere amateur compared to you."

"Maybe, but I haven't met many musicians lately. My concerts can have some strings in the background but I never really interact with the musicians themselves. I don't really interact with anyone really."

Elias smiled at Tony. "You've been interacting with me."

A small smile covered Tony's face. "Yes, that's true. Something about you makes me think of musical things. After you leave, I go over to my piano and compose them."

********

Tony stayed outside for an hour before retreating inside when the clouds overhead started to get darker. He'd been surprised that he managed to stay out there watching Elias plant things in his planter box and not have any problems.

Maybe one day he'd be able to walk over to the box and see if they were growing or not. Only time would tell.

A loud noise on the windows brought him out of his thoughts. He blinked at the large raindrops hitting the windows and glanced down to see Elias scrambling to get his stuff packed up.

Tony fumbled with his keys and headed back down to the basement. He opened the door in time to see a soaked Elias hurrying up the stairs.

Elias stepped inside and sighed. "Welcome to the end of summer. One minute it's nice and the next a downpour. I was hoping to finish before that but I guess I can't."

Tony headed upstairs with Elias behind him. "There's nothing you can do about the weather. I wish the pipes had burst sooner so that you'd have more time."

Elias smiled, shivering a little in his t-shirt. "Pipes are weird like that. They beat to their own drummer so to speak."

Tony noticed it and headed out of the kitchen. "Let me get you something to dry off with. I don't want you to catch a cold."

Elias opened his mouth to protest but Tony disappeared before he could. He just shrugged and waited.

Tony raced back into the kitchen and handed Elias a large fluffy bath towel.

Elias' eyebrow rose at the blood red color of the towel. "I think this matches your piano."

Tony flushed. "I like things to match, even if they're not in the same room. I like that color of red."

"I noticed. Even your hair is sometimes this color of red under the right light."

Tony ducked his head. "Henkka does it for me before I do photo shoots for the new album."

Elias dried off and smiled. "I like it, it suits your face."

Tony blinked.

Elias stepped closer, his eyes locking with Tony's. "Hell, it's even the color of your lips too. I've never seen lips that red before."

Tony bit his lip in response.

Elias shook his head and moved away. "I should probably go."

Tony pulled out his checkbook from his suit coat. "Wait, I need to pay you first."

Elias looked away from Tony and dried off more. A frown covered his face.

"Here you go."

Elias turned back and took the check. He half glanced at the amount and frowned harder. "But this is for a full day. I didn't do a full day."

Tony shrugged. "It doesn't matter, you can stop the rain."

"Um, thanks."

Tony blinked at Elias' reaction. "Is something wrong? Did one of your tools get damaged in the rain?"

Elias headed for the front door. "No, it's nothing like that. Don't worry about it, I'm just being stupid."

Tony followed him. "You're not stupid."

Elias handed the towel back to Tony without another word.

Tony called down the steps. "Did I do something wrong?"

Elias glanced back up. "No Tony, you didn't. See you next month since your recording will start next week. Good luck."

Tony watched Elias hurry down the steps to his truck and drive away. He wasn't sure what just happened, or even if it was his fault.

*********

Tony shook his head and got up from his piano. All of the music in his head was a jumbled mess of notes. None of it made sense, just like what happened with Elias. He couldn't figure out why Elias was frowning all of a sudden.

Flicking off the lights in the dining room, he headed upstairs for his bedroom.

After washing up, he quietly stripped off his clothes in reverse order that he put them on. Starting with the tie and then coat, shirt, and pants. He moved over to his dresser and pulled out some dark red pajama pants. It wasn't cold enough for a shirt so he went without one. His old schoolmaster wouldn't have approved, saying that all good boys were to be presentable even in bed. 

He sat on the edge of his bed. Why was he always thinking of things like that? Images from his past should stay locked away and not bother him anymore. His first schoolmaster was probably long dead at this point, already in his mid 60's when Tony was a boy. Why should his edicts rule Tony's life anymore?

Tony climbed into bed, pulling the covers over him to look up at the ceiling. These were the kind of things that ran through his head on a daily basis. Rules from people like his parents, teachers, and other adult figures yelling at him inside his head for going against their wishes. Why wouldn't they leave him alone? Why couldn't he shut them out once and for all?

Though they never appeared when Elias was around. They all quieted down and let him be. Were they trying to tell him something or was his mind just tired of them and finally blocked them out?

Tony bit his lip when he thought of Elias. He'd been going over the scene in his head but none of it made sense. They were talking about the color red and then all of a sudden Elias' demeanor changed. Maybe he didn't like the color red?

A sigh escaped his lips when he closed his eyes. There was no use dwelling on it now.

*********

Tony woke up with a start, panting for a breath and sweat rolling down his chest. He blinked in the darkness and tried to push away the lustful images that raced through his head.

It had been a long time since he thought about such things or even acted on them for that matter. Lately, his music gave him the release that he needed, touching himself just felt wrong.

His teachers would slap his hands with rulers if they caught him touching himself in the locker rooms or the dorms. He couldn't understand at the time why they didn't want him to figure out what was going on with his body. Did they hate his body and all that came with it?

It was only when he met her after leaving school that he allowed himself to lust. Acting on it mutually was the most amazing thing in his life at that point other than his music.

Except he hadn't touched her in years, or anyone else for that matter. There was no way to comprehend a relationship with someone anymore. The thought of it made him nervous with worry. Worry that they would too leave him as she did. He didn't want to go through with that again, preferring it to stay deep in his past like all of the rest that happened.

Still, he swallowed hard and willed his body to stop swimming in lust. The dreams didn't help, invisible hands reaching out and groping every inch of his body, touching and kissing and sucking.

Tony bit his lip, his breath more labored and his pajamas pushing up with his erection. He could get through this without touching it. It was all about control.

He sighed, his hand pushing his pajama bottoms down a little to let his cock free. If he focused on it, it would respond to his will. Then he could go back to sleep.

Too bad his hand had other ideas.

Tony groaned, his hand stroking the sides of his cock, feeling every little bump with each pull. He needed to stop this but it felt so good to be touching himself again. It went on autopilot, as if his body knew what it was supposed to do in this instance.

Filthy images of Elias filled Tony's head when he got close, kissing him and touching him like the dream. He came hard, surprising himself at the quickness of it all.

He brought up his hand to his face in the darkness, his fingers coated in his release and frowned. It was wrong and he had to get rid of it.

Tony hurried out of bed, pulling his pants up with the other hand and heading into the bathroom. He scrubbed at his hand with lots of soap and water. The sooner he was clean the better. His mother would be horrified to watch her son in such a display of decadence.

He stopped mid-scrub and blinked.

His mind was doing it again. Filling in the wishes of others to rule his life. His mother detested dirtiness in all forms. She would shove him into the shower when he'd been outside more than a few hours, regardless if he'd gotten dirty or not. In her mind, he was always dirty.

She was dead and no longer could tell him that he was a filthy little boy. Even as a teenager, she disapproved of his shoulder-length hair. He still had that shoulder length hair, despite the protests in his head. It was his hair, his decision.

They weren't going to rule his life anymore.

That much was certain.

********

When Henkka showed up a week later Tony was staring out at the empty backyard, wishing Elias was outside.

A knock sounded on the door.

Tony sighed and crossed the rooms to open it.

Henkka smiled at him. "Hey, I've got Pasi and his gear with me. Do you want me to have him set it up after you eat breakfast?"

Tony shook his head. "No, I've already finished." He wandered away from Henkka back to the kitchen again.

Henkka blinked at the reaction and turned to signal Pasi waiting outside.

Pasi dragged in recording gear to be set up in Tony's living room and microphones for Tony's piano. 

Henkka supervised it to make sure nothing was damaged while Pasi was moving stuff around. He frowned in Tony's direction from time to time.

Even with his back to Henkka, Tony could feel him watching. He didn't need to be in there while they set stuff up anyway. He preferred to look outside and will Elias to appear. It was futile since he knew Elias wasn't coming over until next month but still. Anything to take his mind off what was happening inside.

For the past week, a swirl of emotions had overwhelmed him at times. He did manage to finish the piece in time for them to record it but for the first time ever he other ideas pushing for attention. Usually, he worked on one piece at a time, recorded it, and went on to the next piece.

Instead, fragments of song ideas bombarded him every waking moment for the past week. Even standing in the kitchen, staring outside he was getting song pieces swirling around his head. He was terrified that they would invade the current song while they were recording it.

To mess up on a recording was unforgivable, and for Tony that meant certain doom if it occurred. Especially since these new ideas contained song lyrics. He'd never written anything with lyrics before but the words kept repeating, urging him to write them down and move onto the next set.

Tony sipped his morning coffee. This was madness and he needed to just turn it off once and for all.

But could he?

*********

Henkka shuffled over to stand beside Tony. "Is something wrong?"

Tony sighed, and then shook his head.

"That's not very convincing. You know you can tell me anything."

Tony turned to look Henkka in the eyes. "I think I'm going insane."

"Insane? What brought this on?"

Tony set his coffee mug in the sink. "For a week now, music has been playing in my head."

Henkka smiled. "Isn't that how it normally is? You've always told me your emotions were tied to the music in your head."

"Except this music has lyrics."

Henkka's eyes widened. "Lyrics?"

"Yes, lyrics. They keep repeating in my head over and over again, complete with accompanying music."

"That is unusual. Usually you just write beautiful, sweeping pieces on the piano." Henkka itched his beard. "Maybe this means you want to write operas?"

"I doubt these would serve as lyrics to an opera. Operas have a united story and these seem all over the place."

Henkka thought for a moment. "Have you written them down?"

Tony stared at Henkka. "Why would I do that? I want them gone."

"Well, then throw out the piece of paper after you're done. I've found that writing down stuff helps your mind to move on."

Tony opened his mouth to say something when Pasi interrupted them.

"I'm ready for you. Just let me know when you want to start, it's no rush."

Henkka smiled at Pasi and turned back to Tony. "Ready?"

Tony's jaw clenched.

"Tony?"

Tony let his eyes drift shut, focusing on his breathing and trying to stop the music and lyrics from appearing in his head.

Henkka touched Tony's shoulder. "It will be fine, I know it."

Tony's eyes opened to look at Henkka. "But how do you know that? What if I mess up? What if this chaos invades my composition?"

Henkka grabbed both of Tony's shoulders and stared into his scared brown eyes. "It will go fine, Tony. You have to trust your abilities to focus. You can do this, I know you can. It will all flow together when you sit at the piano." He stopped to smile. "I've seen you do and play beautiful things over the years, stuff that most people would never dare to do. This will be a piece of cake and we'll laugh about it later."

Tony nodded, hoping that would be true.

********

Pasi looked up from the mixing console and over at Henkka.

Henkka shook his head, completely baffled.

Tony laid his forehead down on the piano. It had been just like he assumed it would be - chaos. Notes were coming out from all directions and trying to overtake the ones he had so carefully put together. They tried it five times so far and each one was progressively worse than the one before it.

All of the previous times he'd recorded pieces he only needed 1-2 takes. Most accomplished completely one take, despite being over thirty minutes long.

Henkka spoke up first. "Let's take a lunch break. Maybe that will help things."

A knock sounded on the front door.

Tony lifted his head and frowned.

Henkka went to open it, his face changing to annoyance in an instant. "What are you doing here? I thought I told you we were recording."

Tony blinked, the music and lyrics stopped playing in his head. He scrambled up from the piano to the front door. "Elias?"

"I'm sorry about interrupting but I think I left some of my tools here. I have a job tonight and I really need them."

Tony fumbled into his suit pockets and produced the ring of keys. "Of course, here's the keys."

Elias smiled at him before heading down the stairs. "I'll be really quick."

Henkka rolled his eyes and closed the door.

Tony winced, the music and lyrics coming back again in full force. He slid down to his knees, grabbing his head and willing it to stop.

Henkka leaned down to touch Tony's arm. "Tony? What's wrong?"

Tears filled Tony's eyes. "It won't go away...make it go away...."

Pasi wandered into the hallway. "But it did go away when that guy was here."

Henkka glanced up. "It did?"

Tony sighed, and then nodded. "Yes, for a bit."

Henkka stared at Pasi. "How did you even notice that?"

"He ran over for the door. If it was still bugging him, he would still be at the piano."

Henkka snorted. "Figures it's him."

The door opened behind them. "Found it, here's the keys back." Elias stopped to frown at Tony on the floor. "Are you ok?"

Tony removed his hands and looked over at Henkka. "It's gone again."

Pasi smiled at Elias. "Looks like you're staying a little longer than you planned."

Henkka gaped. "You can't be serious?"

"Well, what else do you suggest? Whatever is affecting Tony is making our attempts to record a disaster. When he's here, it's not."

Elias looked between them. "What the hell is going on?"

Tony got to his feet, looking into Elias' eyes. "Can you stay for another thirty minutes?"

Elias swallowed hard. "I guess I could. What do I have to do?"

Pasi smiled at him. "Just being here is enough."

*********

Tony's fingers danced across the piano keys, his song finally free to come out without the others taking it over. A wave of peace washed over his whole being, putting everything he had into the piece.

He felt the familiar warmth and let it happen. The embarrassment he suffered when Elias saw him like that was in the past and he didn't want to do anything that would make this session even more of a nightmare than it already had.

Before he knew it, the pull of the music took him and filled his being, the delicate touch of his piano lover caressing him.

Tony gasped, the music finishing a few seconds before. He looked across the room at them.

Pasi blinked a few times. "Henkka, you got a cigarette on you?"

Henkka frowned. "You don't smoke."

"But I feel like I should have one anyway."

Elias flushed. "That's exactly what I thought after the first time I saw it."

Tony blinked at them. "I don't understand."

Henkka smiled, getting up from the console. "What Pasi means is we have a perfect take."

"Well, that wasn't quite what I was implying...."

Henkka glared at Pasi before turning back to Tony. "It sounds even more beautiful with the ending part."

Tony let out a trapped breath. "I tried to have it come back full circle from the beginning. I guess like a story."

Elias got up and shuffled over to the piano. "It was beautiful and somehow familiar. I mean, I've heard parts of it already but something else makes it very comforting." He stopped to shake his head. "I'm not making much sense, am I?"

Tony smiled, a full smile this time. "No, I understand what you're trying to say. And it is familiar because it's...well, based on your breathing."

"My breathing?"

Tony shuffled in place. "Yes, when you were fixing my pipes. The rise and fall of your chest while you laid on your back."

"Oh, then I guess that's why it sounds familiar." He started heading for the front door. "And I should probably get back. I've already used up my lunch time."

"Have lunch with us."

Elias shook his head. "No, that's ok. Glad to be of help."

Tony got up from the piano and went to the door. "Please, don't go yet. I...I don't have control of them. Once you leave...."

Henkka interrupted Tony. "We'll figure something out. Thanks for helping us finish this."

Elias blinked and turned to Tony. "Is there something I should know? Does this have to do with you kneeling on the floor?"

Henkka opened the front door. "It's not your concern. I'll deal with it."

Elias glanced back at Tony before answering. "Ok, see you next month, Tony. If anything else happens with the house, you have my number." His voice lowered. "Or anything else for that matter."

Tears formed in Tony's eyes, knowing what was coming next. As soon as Elias left, they would return.

********

Tony sat at his piano, wincing at the noise in his head. Pasi and Henkka were taking away the recording equipment while he sat there.

It was a constant stream of words and music, repeating and varying with each passing second.

He was losing his mind. There wasn't any other explanation for this kind of thing other than a mental break. He had to wonder if acting out against the voices of his parents and school teachers were to blame. Should he make amends with them somehow to silence the unrest?

Then again, maybe this music and lyrics were trapped inside of him because he'd held so much back. Were they remnants from his daydreams as a kid? Repressed ideas that were squashed by the sometimes strict confines of classical music?

Henkka shuffled over to stand by Tony's piano. "That's the last of the equipment. Pasi is going to head back down to Kokkola and I'll follow him later."

Tony frowned down at his piano.

"I know this is of little solace right now, but what about trying to write it out? I really think that will help as it usually does for me."

Tony shivered, unsure if he wanted to see it written out on sheet music.

Henkka moved away to open a wooden cabinet build into the wall. He retrieved some sheet music from it and closed the door. "Here's some sheet music if you decide to."

Tony stared down at the sheet music, willing the music to magically appear on the page instead of him recreating it. Nothing appeared as he expected but it was worth a try.

Henkka touched Tony's shoulder. "Next week is the photo shoot. I'll be back to do your hair and we can decide on what clothes to wear for it."

Tony glanced up at Henkka. "What if I'm like this next week? What if it won't go away?"

"It will go away, Tony. You just have to let it out. Whether it be on paper or on the piano."

Tony reached up to touch his ears. "How am I supposed to write it if it's going all at once? I can't...I can't concentrate."

Henkka sat down next to Tony on the piano bench, hesitating and then putting his arms around Tony. "I can't imagine the pain you're feeling or even if I'm right by writing it down, but if you do nothing then I believe it will keep cycling around in your head."

Tony let himself be held for the first time in years. He focused on Henkka's smell of faint cigarettes and aftershave, the slowness of his heart beating and breath resonating in his chest. He'd shied away from physical contact for years because it made him even more nervous, and yet this seemed to calm him.

The music kept playing non-stop in his head, but he had a little control over it. It started to shift and meld together like an intricate piece of music.

Henkka sighed and let go of Tony. "I should probably go. Just think about what I was saying."

Tony frowned, the music jumbling again. He concentrated on Henkka's heartbeat again and it started to shift. Maybe this was a way of controlling it?

"Tony?"

Tony stared down at the sheet music again. "Maybe you're right. I'll try."

Henkka touched his shoulder. "I know you hate phones but if you need me to come over before next weekend please let me know. It doesn't matter what time it is, I'll be here in a few hours."

Tony retrieved a pen out of his suit pocket. "I will."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Henkka races into action when something unexpected happens to Tony.

The following weekend Henkka knocked on Tony's door and waited.

Nothing.

Henkka frowned and knocked again.

Still nothing.

Henkka dug into his pocket for an extra set of keys to Tony's house. He put the key in and turned.

The lock clicked open and Henkka pushed the door open halfway but it wouldn't go any further.

Henkka glanced down to find sheet music wedged under the door. He reached down and pulled the sheets out of the way to open the door fully. Only to find even more sheet music littering the hallway.

He pushed the piles of sheet music over to the side to create a path. "Tony?"

Once Henkka got to the piano room he rushed forward, sloshing through mounds of sheet music all gathered around the piano. "Tony!"

Tony's upper body draped over the piano and wasn't moving.

Henkka groped Tony's neck for a pulse and mumbled, "Come on, Tony. Please be alive."

He finally found a pulse but it was very faint. Fumbling for his cell phone, he called Tony's doctor. The line seemed to ring forever and finally picked up with a pleasant sounding female answering. "Yes, I need the doctor immediately to Tony Kakko's house on Raven St. It's an emergency!"

"If it's an emergency, then you should call for an ambulance."

Henkka scoffed. "I can't take Tony to the hospital. He would freak out when he woke up. Just tell the doctor something is wrong with Tony Kakko. He'll know that I don't just call him on a whim."

"But the doctor is...."

Henkka groaned. "I don't care! Get him up here now."

The line buzzed in Henkka's ear. He swore and tried to dial the number again but it was busy. 

Henkka took a deep breath and assessed the situation. There was no use freaking out, he needed to stay calm for Tony.

First thing's first was to get Tony into his bed. Henkka grunted, wrapping his arms around Tony's middle and hauling him up enough to walk with him.

While in the middle of the staircase, Henkka's cell phone buzzed in his coat pocket. Henkka rolled his eyes and answered the phone. "Yes?"

"Henkka, this is Dr. Lanainen. My assistant said there was an emergency with Tony?"

Henkka breathed a sigh of relief. "Yes, Tony is unconscious and with a faint pulse. I don't know how long he's been like this or when it started. I do know he's been wearing the same clothes for at least several days going by the smell of them."

"Ok, I'll be over as soon as I can. If you could, check his temperature and get him to a lying down position if he isn't already."

"Will do, thanks doctor."

Henkka turned to Tony and said, "I don't know what happened but the doctor's on the way."

********

Henkka managed to take Tony to the bathroom and strip off his clothes to get him cleaned up. He didn't think he had enough time for a bath or shower so he made do with a damp cloth to take away most of the sweat and dirt.

It was then that he realized Tony wore the exact same striped blue suit that he had on when they recorded his newest song. Had he been sitting there the whole week?

Henkka chastised himself for leaving Tony alone this long. What if he hadn't come by the next week? What if Tony died and he didn't know until months later?

He pushed the dire ideas out of his head and tried to focus on the now. Namely getting Tony into his bed and taking his temperature. Years of being around Tony through his worst moments gave him knowledge of where Tony kept things. If anything, Tony was predictable to a fault.

Henkka pulled out some fresh underwear and pajama bottoms. He grunted and wished Tony was awake so this was easier than dressing an unconscious man.

A knock sounded downstairs when Henkka managed to get Tony into bed and under the covers.

Henkka hurried down the stairs, swishing the sheet music as he went. He pulled open the door. "I just got him into bed."

Dr. Lanainen smiled. "Thanks, I can't imagine trying to carry him by yourself up those stairs. Where was he found anyway?"

Henkka motioned to the piano room. "Laying on his piano. I think he was composing on it before passing out."

Dr. Lanainen frowned down at the paper on the ground. "Is this what he was writing? It looks to be at least a hundred pieces of paper."

Henkka moved toward the stairs. "He told me last week he was being tormented by a melody and lyrics. I suggested that he write it down. I never thought for a moment he'd do it like this."

Dr. Lanainen followed him up the stairs to Tony's room. He went over to Tony and touched his forehead. "He's very warm. Have you taken the temperature yet?"

"No, not yet. I only cleaned him with warm water so he wouldn't be hot from that?"

Dr. Lanainen opened Tony's mouth and slipped in a thermometer from his bag. "I doubt it. If he has been like that for days, then it's probably his body reacting to dehydration. From the volume of paper downstairs, I doubt he stopped to drink or eat."

"I was thinking that too. Tony is a neat freak and he would never leave his house like this. Unless he was so into it that he just worked through the night and passed out."

Dr. Lanainen removed the thermometer from Tony's mouth when it beeped. "101F. That's an extreme fever for him. Based on the dry, cracked lips I'm going to give him some IV fluids and take a blood sample before heading back to the office. I'll have the lab rush it to see if anything else is wrong. I assume you will still be here later on today?"

"I'm not going anywhere until I know he's fine. Even if I have to stay here for weeks."

"Good, if you could put cool towels on his forehead from time to time. It will help his temperature and hopefully the fluids will as well."

Dr. Lanainen put on some gloves, readying a needle and tube to get some of Tony's blood. He swabbed the area and drew some blood into the tube. "I'll get this tested to find out what's going on. If we're lucky, it will just be dehydration and lack of food for several days."

Henkka nodded but didn't respond.

Dr. Lanainen pulled out a bag of saline. "Does he still have the stand from before? I didn't think to bring one."

"Possibly." He went to Tony's closets and started to rummage around in them. In the back corner, hiding behind some boxes was a metal stand. He pulled it out and replaced the boxes. "I think this is it. Not sure if it still works."

Dr. Lanainen pulled off his gloves and opened it up. "This will work fine. Just something to keep the saline in an upright position while it drips. Call me if anything happens before I come back later today to check on him. The saline will last a few hours and he might wake up so keep an eye on him."

Henkka watched the doctor look up the bag to the rack. "I will."

After donning another set of gloves, Dr. Lanainen pulled one of Tony's arms out from under the blanket and rubbed another cotton ball over it to sterilize the area. He took the IV needle, sticking it in Tony's arm and taping it off so it wouldn't fall out. Satisfied that it was fine, he switched on the IV and waited.

The liquid dripped through the tube into Tony's arm and the doctor said, "Usually we have this last for several days, but I want to kickstart it a little since he has a fever. Keep taking his temperature every hour to see if it changes or not. Call me if it rises higher than 101F."

Henkka stared down at Tony. "Thanks, Dr. Lanainen. I'll do that. I'm sorry for freaking out to your assistant."

Dr. Lanainen smiled. "It's fine, I can understand the reaction and I let her know you weren't usually like that. It's been a while since I had a call out here for Tony, I almost got lost."

"Yeah, it's a little tricky finding his driveway at times."

Dr. Lanainen packed up his things. "Indeed, he doesn't make it easy for us to find him, does he?"

Henkka frowned.

Dr. Lanainen touched Henkka's shoulder. "I'll let myself out. He should show signs of getting better soon if my hypothesis is right."

*********

Henkka watched Tony from a chair for an hour before taking his temperature again. He took the thermometer out of Tony's mouth and studied the numbers. It read 99F on the red display. He sighed in relief and cleaned the thermometer in the bathroom sink before putting it away again. 

It was a still a fever when it came to Tony but it had gone down two degrees in an hour, which was a good sign. Dr. Lanainen was probably right about dehydration.

Henkka headed downstairs intent on gathering up all of the sheet music that was covering the downstairs area other than the kitchen. He picked up the ones that had migrated to the bottom of the stairs. 

Notes filled the whole page but something was odd about them. Henkka knew enough about piano playing, for he played it himself at times, but these notes didn't make sense. They had X's at the bottom of them and no treble or bass clefs. He grabbed more of the sheet music and found more of them on other pages.

One by one, he picked up sheet music with these strange notes until he got closer to the front door. Then they switched to regular notes. Henkka frowned at them, wondering why they notes were grouped oddly together and all on the treble lines. This wasn't piano sheet music either just like the other one. Pianos had both treble and bass lines filled in, even if they were just rest notes. It was as if Tony was writing for various instruments, despite only being able to play the piano.

The sheet music by the door turned into another set of notes all in the bass clef. Henkka studied them and wondered if they were for a cello or standup bass. As he approached the piano room, the notes started changing into different combinations but still on the bass clef. A solo perhaps?

Henkka stopped at the piano and picked up a handful of sheets. He recognized the piano sheet music finally and it made sense since they were closest to the piano. But the notes...they didn't look like Tony's classical music at all. In fact, they looked like rock music.

He placed the four different types of sheet music on top of the piano and pulled out his phone. Adjusting the light and focus, he snapped a few pictures of them and sent it to Pasi. If anyone knew what this was, Pasi would since he sees all different instruments in the studio.

Henkka studied the sheets thinking maybe there was a pattern among them. He wished Tony had put them in order until he realized there were small numbers at the bottom. As he was putting some the sheets in order, his phone rang.

He looked at the display, thinking it might be the doctor again but it was Pasi. "Hey Pasi, what's up?"

"Got your picture of sheet music. Did you raid a music store?"

Henkka blinked. "Huh?"

"It's sheet music for drums, bass, guitar, and piano. Though I'm not sure about the second bass sheet. It doesn't look like bass guitar sheet music to me, despite being in the right key. I tried to play it on my bass and it sounds really weird."

Henkka gaped. "Drums, bass, and guitar?"

"Oh yeah, I recognize those anywhere. My brother Timo plays guitar and a friend of ours who plays drums always writes sheet music when he composes parts. Where did you get these anyway?"

Henkka shook his head. "They were all over Tony's floor. I think he composed all of them."

"Tony knows how to play guitar, bass, and drums? I thought you said he only played the piano?"

"He does only play the piano. That's why I'm confused as how he'd be able to write out sheet music for instruments he doesn't even play."

"Hmmm, then maybe that other bass sheet music is for an instrument in the bass range. Like a bassoon?"

Henkka shook his head. "Bassoons don't really fit with the rest of the instruments. None of them are woodwind instruments."

"It's for a cello."

Henkka's eyes widened, turning around slowly toward the voice. "My God."

"Henkka, what is it?"

"I gotta call you back, Pasi."

Henkka clicked off his phone and gaped. "Tony? What are you doing out of bed?"

Tony advanced further into the piano room, his arm bleeding from where the IV needle had been. "That's what was in my head. It's finally gone. I'm finally free of it."

Henkka lurched forward to grab Tony before he fell to the ground. "You should be in bed still. Come on, let's get you back upstairs."

Tony frowned. "I feel weak and dizzy. What...what happened?"

"The doctor thinks you were dehydrated."

Tony froze. "You took me to the hospital?"

"Of course not, I had your doctor come here. You know I wouldn't do that you again unless you were bleeding to death."

Tony shivered and resumed walking with Henkka upstairs. "I never want to go back there again. I...I can't go back there."

"And you won't have to if you stop doing this sort of thing. Did you even eat or drink anything while writing all of this?"

Tony flushed. "I don't think I did." He turned his head to face Henkka. "I'm sorry."

Henkka gave him a small smile. "I'm just happy you're ok. I don't like the idea of finding you unconscious on your piano. Please don't do that again."

"I won't, the music and lyrics are gone. I'd have no reason to act like that again."

*********

Henkka let Tony rest several days before broaching the subject of what to wear for the photo shoot. "Now that breakfast is done, any thoughts on what to do for the booklet picture and cover?"

Tony sipped his coffee and made a face.

"I know, it's your least favorite thing but we have to put something in there."

Tony shrugged. "Why not just random photos? Why do we have to shoot a new photo of me every time?"

"I think you know the answer to that. No one sees you other than me, it's a way for the fans to know what you look like now. Not that you've changed all that much appearance-wise anyway, but the record company suits are always asking me for new headshots for advertisements."

Tony thought for a moment. "Can I wear anything in them?"

Henkka's eyebrow rose. "Yeah, but you always wear suits anyway. Unless you have something else in mind?"

Tony stared down at his charcoal colored suit. "I know, and really it's just out of habit from when I was in school. Maybe it's time to break that habit."

"What brought this on?"

Tony finished off his coffee and set it down on the tray. "I've been thinking of a lot of things lately, on how all of my life I was always molded into whatever others wanted of me. My early schoolmasters would always have us in school uniforms, which were just simple suits for kids. Once I got to the music academies in my teens it was now full suits with vests and shiny shoes." He stopped to sigh. "I would sometimes envy the kids who got to wear jeans and t-shirts when they left for summer break."

"Your parents made you wear the suits even in summer?"

"Of course, it was what a respectable young man did. Or so my father would tell me over and over again. It's one of the reasons I left Kemi after they died - I could finally do what I wanted."

Henkka sighed and stared down at his hands.

Tony sighed along with him. "And you know how well that turned out. In the end, wearing suits gave me a little piece of my early life back. Before...before...I lost her. Instead of feeling trapped like I had as a kid, it felt like I was in control again."

"And now it doesn't anymore?"

Tony leaned back on the couch. "Ever since Elias showed up that day to fix the pipes, I've been questioning my past a lot. It's not like we talked about it or anything, other than I wear a lot of suits compared to him, but I don't know he's so calm to be around that I have times during the day to just reflect." He shook his head. "And what I've found there makes me sad and angry at the same time. Sad that I never had the chance to live a normal life like everyone else. I know everyone is different and a normal life is subjective, but I would switch places with Elias in a heartbeat. To just go along in life and facing the day without worry about anything."

"I doubt his life is worry free as you think it is. Everyone has something to worry about in their lives. Most times it revolves around money, other times it's fighting loneliness or depression, while others are fighting off addiction. Life is never worry-free, Tony."

Tony played with his hands. "But I worry about everything. Worry about disappointing you, worry about saying or doing the wrong thing around others, or even worry that I've left the stove on when I go to bed. It's a constant stream of worrying and I just want it to end."

Henkka reached over and touched Tony's arm. "I know and if I could, I'd figure out a way to have you not worry about anything. I've tried to at least take away the money equation so you don't have to worry about that or the day to day stuff with the record label."

"Yeah, I know you have and I appreciate it. I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, but sometimes it feels like I can't go five minutes without worry about something."

"What about when you're playing the piano?"

Tony smiled. "It's the only time I don't have to worry. Well, other than when the music and lyrics were in my head last week. Any other time it just flows out and I don't really have to do much, just give it a chance to live and breathe on its own."

"They're like your children."

"In a way they are, except I get to be the mom and dad for them. Give birth to them and nurture them into songs. Then I give them away so others can experience them."

Henkka smiled. "I just wish everything brought you that much joy. Like figuring out what to wear for the photo shoot."

Tony made another face.

"I know but we do have to decide on this and make an appointment with the photographer. The record label said the photographer would come here instead of us going somewhere else. All we need is clothes and when you want them to show up."

Tony thought for a moment. "How about tomorrow? Might as well get it over with as soon as possible."

"Ok, and about the clothes? I believe you wore the blue striped suit last time."

Tony stared down at his hands. "What about jeans?"

Henkka's eyebrows shot up. "Jeans? As in blue jeans?"

"Yeah, what about those? Why do classical musicians always have to be in suits and look like they're about to go to a funeral?"

Henkka chuckled. "Well, probably because they're like you and had to wear them at music academies and performing. I mean, you'll be wearing a suit at your performances so it makes sense."

"What if I don't want to wear a suit at them?"

Henkka blinked. "Well...."

"I want to wear whatever makes me feel comfortable and these suits don't anymore. I feel like I'm locked away from the outside world."

"You are locked away from the outside world, Tony. The only times you leave this house is to do performances."

Tony nodded. "I know and it's probably better that way but who says I can't wear jeans and stuff on my album booklet?"

Henkka pinched the bridge of his nose before responding. "Fine, but do you even have any jeans to wear?"

Tony flushed and shook his head.

"Just as I thought, and unlike with suits you need to try on jeans. They're all made in different countries, which have various ideas of how sizes work. Suits are tailored to the measurements I provide them of you, but you can't do that with jeans. At least regular jeans, there are designer kinds but they cost as much as your suits do which is crazy for a pair of jeans."

"So what do we do?"

Henkka sighed at him. "If you're really set on jeans, then we have to go outside to a mall and try some on. Do you really want to be surrounded by that many people at once for a pair of jeans?"

Tony winced. "I hadn't thought of that. Are there that many people hunting for jeans on a Monday morning?"

"I have no idea. I guess there would be fewer people than on a weekend."

"Then let's go now. Fewer people around."

Henkka stared at Tony. "Are you sure about this, Tony? What if something happens?"

Tony grabbed his inhaler off the coffee table. "I'll have this with me as always. I want to do this, Henkka."

Henkka got up from the chair. "Ok, get ready and I'll give the photographer a call to set up an appointment for tomorrow afternoon."

Tony stood and brushed off the suit with his hand. When Henkka left, he stared over at the mirror by the bar and swallowed hard.

He could do this. How hard could it be to find jeans?

********

Tony stood at the front doorway, looking down at Henkka at the bottom of the steps. He could feel the anxiety of leaving his house building inside, urging him to just go back inside where it was safe.

Henkka watched him from below but said nothing.

It was always like this when he had to leave the house, gripping fear that didn't go away until he was back inside again. At least with the prospect of a performance, he could try to focus on the music he'd be playing.

Except today wasn't a performance and there was no music to concentrate on inside his head. Only the prospect of getting some new clothes that weren't related to suits. The idea of him going against the people who were usually in his head telling him what to do thrilled him a little. He was being bad, least in their minds and didn't know what to do with that kind of power.

Henkka finally spoke. "We don't have to do this, Tony. Just pick out a suit for the photo shoot tomorrow and we can try this another time. There's no rush."

Tony made a face. Henkka was saying exactly what they wanted to hear, giving him an excuse to go back inside and stay there. Before he knew it, his body moved on its own down the stairs one by one.

Henkka blinked from the bottom.

Tony felt a rush of adrenaline that he hadn't felt in a long time. Usually it was focused on worrying him, but now it was urging him on like a personal trainer. When he arrived at the bottom of the steps, he glanced up and marveled how far he'd come on his own without a show to do. He'd made it.

Henkka smiled at him and opened his car for Tony. "Let's get some jeans."

Tony sat down in the seat and the door closed. He looked around Henkka's small car that he always drove in. Despite being Tony's manager and probably getting a good cut of Tony's money, Henkka always drove this old car. It was kind of comforting that some things didn't change over time. He wondered just how long it would last since it had already done a good ten years' worth of driving up and down from Kokkola to Oulu.

Henkka sat down next to him and smiled. "Ready?"

Tony bit his lip, a little unrest creeping up again. "Yes, let's go."

********

Tony glanced out the windows with wide eyes. The buildings that he used to know had changed somehow, getting bigger or painted different colors. Though usually he was in a limo for performances in December so there wasn't much daylight to see anything on the drives.

Henkka glanced over at him from time to time at stoplights. "You ok, Tony?"

"Everything is...different. Maybe I never noticed it but it doesn't look like it did when I was out there."

"It has changed quite a bit, getting a little denser when it comes to buildings but others have stayed the same like that old brick church over there."

Tony looked out the window and then frowned. They were to be married in that church in springtime, invitations all sent out and RSVPs returned.

But it never happened.

Tony's eyes filled with tears and brushed them away with the back of his hand.

"Tony? What's wrong?"

Tony bit his lip to try to stop it from trembling. "We were going to be married in that church. It was before you became my manager, so you wouldn't know. Her parents canceled the wedding as they were paying for it." He stopped to brush away more tears. "There wasn't anyone left to marry."

"I'm sorry, Marko never told me that. I knew you were to be married before it happened but I didn't know it was that particular church."

"He probably didn't mention it because it wasn't likely we'd ever run into it again."

Henkka turned the car into a large parking lot with many large buildings connected to each other. "Well, here we are. I looked it up while you were getting ready and the best place to get jeans is in the middle of the mall. I can't tell how many people may be inside because they could have walked here."

Tony undid his seat belt when Henkka found a parking spot. He touched the door and took a deep breath before opening it.

********

Henkka led Tony through an open area leading down to the tunnels below for the buses. 

Tony looked around at the small gatherings of people and shuddered. There was more than he hoped, looking at him as he passed as if he was some sort of freak on display. It wasn't the same kind of looks he'd get while onstage, those were from people who liked his music. These were random glances that always made Tony feel uncomfortable as if he'd done something wrong in their eyes.

Henkka stopped in front of a large shop with bright lights and colorful displays. "Here it is."

Tony winced at the bright lights that hung above their heads as they walked in. Why did they have to be so bright that it hurt his eyes? How was that helpful for finding clothes?

Henkka kept walking through the area, checking occasionally that he still had Tony behind him. He stopped short when Tony wasn't there anymore. "Tony?"

Tony had stopped several paces back to admire a pair of bleached white jeans.

Henkka chuckled and shook his head. "Don't bother, Tony. They're not in your size."

Tony took one off the rack and held it up to himself. "It might be."

Henkka took the hanger out of Tony's hands and pointed over to the sign. "This is the ladies section of the store, Tony."

Tony flushed. "Why would girls wear that?"

Henkka laughed, leading Tony away from the display. "I'm sure they'll have some bleached jeans in your section too."

********

Tony blinked at the multitude of jeans in front of him. He had no idea which ones to try on first. Did they all fit the same?

As if reading his mind, Henkka piped up, "Ok, so here's the deal about jeans. Every brand has a range of sizes that most follow but some of the fancier types go by entirely different ones. I looked up a few that we might try but to be honest it's going to be trial and error until we find the right ones." He stopped talking and watched Tony wander away to the racks. "Tony? Did you hear me?"

Tony went for the different colored jeans first. "They come in so many colors."

Henkka chuckled. "Some started to get bored with just blue so they have a few other colors."

Tony frowned. "But no red ones."

"Beyond your custom made suits, you're not going to find jeans in the color of red you like. Unless we get incredibly lucky."

"Well it would be nice but it doesn't really matter." He picked up a pair of blue jeans and studied them. "These look nice. Is this my size?"

Henkka put that one back and picked up another. "No, let's try these ones. The only problem with your measurements is your long legs and small waist, so we might have to buy a few belts to compensate."

"Well, I have belts at home. I used them for some of my suits that have gotten too big."

Henkka snagged another pair from the display. "Here try this one too. That way if one is too tight, the other will fit. Less time going back and forth."

"How tight should they be? Elias wears jeans that look really tight."

Henkka snorted. "Elias' jeans are practically painted on him. I don't know how he can even sit in those things. Try to find a nice place in between."

Tony went through the other displays to find some lighter shades of blue jeans before he ran out of arms to hold them all.

Henkka smiled and led him to the changing rooms. "Try them on one by one and let me know how they fit. I'll be outside of the room to take the jeans that don't fit back."

Tony went inside one of the empty stalls and put the stack of jeans on the bench. As he untied his shoes, he heard Henkka talking outside. "Did you say something to me?"

"No Tony, just talking with one of the ladies who work in the store."

Tony froze. "There are ladies in the men's dressing room? I thought you said this was the men's section?"

"No, no. She works here and is cleaning up the empty rooms."

Tony let out a trapped breath, taking off his pants and hanging them neatly on the opposite hook. He pulled the topmost pair of jeans off the stack and put them on. He grunted, pulling the material hard to button them up. "Um, Henkka. I don't think these are the right size."

Henkka turned to see Tony in the hallway with jeans comically too tight and too short. He laughed. "Yeah, those are definitely not your size. When you get them off, let me know what size they are so I can get bigger ones if you don't have any in there."

Tony went back in. He heard Henkka talking with the woman again and he sighed. After taking them off, he squinted down to read the tiny print on the label. "Henkka, I can't read this tiny print."

Henkka knocked on Tony's door. "Let me see."

Tony opened the door and peered around Henkka's body. "She is not nearby?"

"No, she's down the hall from us. Are these the jeans?"

Tony nodded and handed them to Henkka.

"I'll be back with the next size up. Try on the other jeans just in case."

Tony closed the door again, shaking a little. He went into his suit pocket and pulled out his inhaler.

It was going to be a long day.

********

Eventually Tony found several pairs that were a little tight but not as tight as Elias wore. He also found a few t-shirts, button-ups, and sweaters to wear with them. The white dress shirts he wore with his suits didn't really fit with these jeans.

Henkka left after dropping Tony off to get a few things for the photo shoot tomorrow. He wouldn't tell Tony what it was but he assured him that he would like them.

Tony loaded up his washing machine with the newly purchased clothing, figuring they were probably dirty from others trying them on as Tony had. He felt better knowing they were cleaned in his house before he wore them longer than a few minutes. They hadn't decided what Tony was going to wear yet for the photo shoot, but he was hoping to sneak in jeans instead of the standard suit while sitting at the piano motif that was on every one of his albums.

It was time for a change. That's what people did right, he mused. Usually not him, but he was trying to. Anything to break out of the chains others had put on him over the years.

He wondered if Elias would notice he was dressing differently. Would it change his perception of Tony for the better? Or for the worse for that matter?

Maybe Elias wouldn't even notice in the first place. The idea of that brought a frown to Tony's face, that Elias would be completely oblivious to his change.

Then again, Elias was mostly outside playing with the garden. He didn't really have time to look at Tony all that much. That's what Tony was paying him to do after all.

A knock on his front door sounded upstairs, even among the noise of the washing machine. Tony hurried upstairs to see Henkka come through the door. "Sorry, I was washing the clothes we bought."

Henkka smiled. "That's what I figured."

Tony noticed the bag that Henkka was carrying. "What's in that?"

"Your hair dye and a few other things that might look good with the photo shoot. You might not like them but if we're going for a new look, then they might help."

Tony blinked. "What kind of other things?"

Henkka rummaged into the bag and pulled out what appeared to be dark pencils. "These. Usually you use eyeliner with rock stars but we can experiment if you want."

Tony noticed another bag sitting next to the first. "But what's in that one?"

Henkka grinned and pulled out a pair of black boots. "I think these will go better with the jeans than your dress shoes. I also have some basic tennis shoes if you want those."

Tony took one of the boots and put it on. He stood with it, wobbly at first and then settling down. "Hmm, they have a heel."

"Yeah they do but since you're just going to be standing around or sitting at your piano you're not going to be in them for very long. We can always take them back if you don't like them."

Tony put on the other boot and walked around his living room. "They're not so bad actually when you get used to them. I like them." He turned back to Henkka. "Thanks."

"Well, just wait until you see the tennis shoes. I think you'll like them better."

Tony's face lit up when he spotted the dark red shoes. He held them in his hands, marveling at them. "They're the color of my piano."

"And everything else for that matter. As soon as I saw them, I knew you'd want them."

Tony removed the boots and tried on the red and black tennis shoes. He grinned as he walked around in them. "They squeak under my feet."

Henkka sat back in the chair and chuckled. "It's good to see you smiling again."

Tony turned and flushed. "I guess I'm happier now."

"And that's not a bad thing in my book. Just let me know when you want to start with your hair. It going to take a few hours."

Tony removed the shoes. "Might as well start now. That way it's over before dinner."

*********

Tony wandered around his house with his hair under a plastic net to let the dye take. He was too wired to sit for the thirty minutes it took so he shuffled around his house without a purpose.

Eventually he stopped in front of his piano. He hadn't been near it in a while and noticed stacks of sheet music on top of it. Usually he didn't have anything sitting on top. He picked up a few of them and frowned.

Henkka came out of the kitchen and headed over to the piano. "Since when do you play cello, guitar, bass or drums? According to the parts that I showed Pasi, they're for those instruments and a rock song of some sort."

Tony stared at them. Had he written this? Why couldn't he remember it?

"Tony? What's wrong?"

Tony shook his head. "I don't remember writing this. It's my handwriting but I don't remember it. When I look at my own sheet music, the music instantly comes into my head so I can remember it. When I look at these, nothing comes into my head. Like they don't exist in my memory."

"Well, you told me before this all happened that it was cycling around in your head in a jumbled mess. From what I can gather of the piano parts, it's not jumbled on the sheet music. It's actually very intricate much like a prog song is. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were channeling Rush with this."

Tony frowned. "Rush?"

"They're a progressive rock band. Basically they play varied time signatures with long songs."

Tony picked up the piano parts. "Yes, these are in weird time signatures based on the notes. Like 8/6 and such. I mean, I've experimented with some varied ones but not like this. This is fast playing at times, making the fastest Liszt pieces like he's playing at half speed." He stopped to shake his head. "I wouldn't even know how to play these."

Henkka took the part that Tony was holding and sat down at his piano. He started playing the part in various time signatures.

Tony gaped and stopped Henkka when he got to a particular time. "That's it. That's the time it's supposed to be played in."

Henkka continued to play the rest of the part in that tempo. He stopped to marvel at it. "That's pretty wild. I don't think I've ever heard anything quite like that and it's only one page of fifty."

Tony moved over to grab the rest of the sheets for the piano. "Will you play the others?"

Henkka's eyebrow rose. "Are you sure? Usually you don't let me touch your piano at all."

"True, but it's starting to come back in my head when you do it. Maybe I can figure out what it's supposed to sound like when it's done."

Henkka shrugged and started playing the parts from the first page, turning the pages when he got the end.

Tony closed his eyes, visualizing the parts in his head. It was beautiful and sang out to Tony at times. Words started forming in his head and he couldn't help to sing them out along with Henkka's playing.

Henkka stopped playing and gaped.

Tony's eyes fluttered open. "Why did you stop?"

"Have you always been able to sing like that?"

Tony frowned. "It was bad, wasn't it? My earliest music teacher said I shouldn't sing along with things because my voice was not very good."

"Well they were an idiot, you have a beautiful voice and it fits along with this weird song. Keep singing and I'll keep playing, I was just stunned by your voice that's all."

Tony waited for the lyrics to pop into his head to start singing again.

They played along with each other until they got to the end of the sheet music.

Tony leaned against the piano for support, suddenly drained and feeling weak.

Henkka got up and steadied him. "You ok?"

Tony blinked fast. "I don't know what's wrong, maybe I sang too much? Does that happen to singers?"

"Could be, here let's get you over to the couch to rest."

Tony let Henkka lead him to the living room. "It's strange, the lyrics just came to me when you started to play as if I knew them all along."

Henkka sat next to him on the couch. "You did know them. It wasn't until we were playing the full song together that I noticed the lyrics written between the musical notes. I don't know why I never noticed them before but there they were and matching what you were singing."

Tony blinked at him.

Henkka went back into the piano room to retrieve the piano pages. He gave them to Tony. "If you look in between the treble and bass clefs, it has the lyrics."

Tony gaped at the words on the page, matching those appearing in his head. The music began to leap off the page just like it did with his other work. He glanced over at Henkka. "I can hear it in my head now. Maybe I just need it to be played by someone else for it all to combine?"

"Maybe. Too bad I don't play anything else other than the piano. Though I could get Pasi and his brother Timo to record the parts for the bass and guitar, so you can hear them being played. I don't think they would mind and maybe they could get their friend Hurtsi to record the drum parts as well."

"Or Elias could."

Henkka made a face. "He's only a guitarist, Tony. He wouldn't know how to play the other parts just like we couldn't."

Tony cocked his head to the side. "Why don't you like Elias? He's never done what you spoke about earlier. He's never asked for anything else, tried to take advantage of the situation or force me into things that I don't want."

Henkka opened his mouth with a response but a timer beeped in the kitchen. He breathed a sigh of relief. "Time to wash that out of your hair and see how it looks."

Tony grumbled and followed Henkka into the kitchen.

Henkka turned on the water, handing Tony a small towel. Tony put the towel over his eyes and dunked his head under the water. "I don't hate, Elias. I just...you like him, don't you? I mean really like him."

Tony sighed but kept the towel tight to his eyes. "I don't know. I have these feelings inside but I don't understand any of them. The only person I truly loved was...was her. I wouldn't have asked her to marry me if I didn't. I don't know if I can feel that again."

Henkka massaged Tony's hair and washed it with the soap from the dye kit. "It depends I guess. I thought I'd never feel the same without Make and yet I got married too."

"You got married? When?"

Henkka flushed. "It was five years ago. I didn't want to trouble you with something like that. Especially since you didn't want to leave this house except for performances. It's no big deal, really."

"It doesn't sound like it wasn't a big deal. I could have played the wedding march or something close to it."

Henkka sighed, rinsing the shampoo out of Tony's hair. "To be honest, I didn't think you would care about it. You were...you were so wrapped up in your music that I just wanted to leave you there without having you worry about anything else. In reality it was probably a mistake, but at least you're starting to understand your past now. I don't expect you to be like you were before you met her, but it is nice to able to talk to you without it turning into an argument or you refusing to speak to me again."

Tony pulled his head up from the sink to stare at Henkka. "I would never do that."

"You don't remember five years ago? We got into an argument about the design of your then new album's booklet. Right in the middle of it, when it was admittedly getting pretty heated, you stormed out of the room and refused to speak to me ever again."

Tony frowned at Henkka.

"It obviously didn't last because I'm still here bugging you about albums and photos. And it wasn't an isolated incident, Tony." He stopped to shake his head. "Everything we discussed went along those lines most times. You were very angry back then, at least towards me and the rest of the world for that matter. I knew you were hurting so I tried my best to not get you riled up, but sometimes all I needed to do was show up and then bam we'd get into an argument about something."

Tony shook his head. "I don't remember any of that. I remember you showing up a lot and we'd talk about business stuff. Are you saying it was more than that? That I was an asshole?"

"I wouldn't say asshole as I don't think you were deliberately trying to be mean back then. It was ten years after her death and I knew you were trying your best to ignore the pain. If there's one thing I know about you, is that you'd try to bury anything that messed up your music. The fact that it was becoming harder and harder to concentrate on music was making you even angrier. With no one to talk to about it, I became the target of that anger. Maybe some of it was deserved on occasion, but I took it because I'd hope you would mellow out eventually."

Tony stared down at the ground. "I'm sorry for that. I didn't...I guess I've blocked that out too."

Henkka reached out to touch Tony's shoulder. "I'm sorry too. I'm not trying to make you feel bad about the past, just trying to explain why I didn't invite you to my wedding." He stopped to scoff. "It would have probably ended in an argument about what song to play or something. Either way, it's over and done with. What matters now is that I believe you're finally letting things out instead of burying them, if that long song is an indication."

"Well, that is mostly Elias. I don't know what he did but I focused on him and it just flowed out. To be honest, I asked him back to garden so I could finish it. Then maybe everything else started coming out and I got that long song as a result."

"Probably. If you buried it so long that when it came out, it would overwhelm you. Though in your case, you managed to write an amazing song out of it."

Tony flushed. "I don't know about that. It's long and involved but I don't know about amazing. Especially since I haven't heard the parts together."

Henkka thought for a moment. "What if I make copies of these and give them to Pasi and his brother? They could easily play them and record it on a tape or something. That way you'd hear what it sounds like with music. If you ever wanted to put your vocals on it, I could bring Pasi back here to do that."

Tony stared down at his hands. "I don't think I could sing it again. The words just came to me."

Henkka looked at Tony's hair under the light. He tested it out with his fingers to see if any dye came off. "It looks like I got most of it. You might want to use that old pillowcase tonight just in case. I don't want it to ruin your good pillow cases."

"I was going to take a shower before bed anyway. I'll probably get the rest out then."

Henkka washed up the sink of any residue.

"You don't have to do that. I could do it later."

"I don't mind since it's just a little bit of it. Don't get a chance to clean at home anyway. My wife does it all."

Tony bit his lip. "Um, what is she like?"

Henkka glanced up. "Well, she's...hard to explain. She's kind of independent like I am but still likes to do stuff together. Lately she's been raising our son."

Tony gaped. "Son? You have a son?"

Henkka shuffled in place. "Yeah, he's four this year. Too young for school still."

"What's his name?"

Henkka flushed. "It's Juhani."

Tony smiled. "That's a nice name. Though isn't it usually used as a middle name?

"Um, yeah. It's the first thing I thought of when he was born."

"Just Juhani? No middle name?"

Henkka turned bright red. "Yes, he does have a middle name."

Tony cocked his head to the side. "Why are you blushing? Is it not a very good name?"

"It's Tony."

Tony stared at Henkka. "Tony? You named him after me?"

"Yeah, he reminds me of you sometimes. He likes to beat on things in time to music and he has reddish blond hair."

Tony flushed a little. "Can I see what he looks like? Elias tells me that people have cell phones filled with pictures now."

Henkka hesitated and then took out his phone. He turned it on and the background was a toddler grinning with missing teeth.

Tony chuckled. "He does look like me. At least when I was a baby. I remember a picture of me smiling with missing teeth. It was taken a few years before I started piano lessons."

"We haven't decided if we're going to send him to a regular school or a specialized one. We have a few more years to figure that out."

"Do you have one with the family? I'd like to see what your wife looks like if I could."

Henkka's eyebrow rose. "Why?"

"I don't know, I'm curious. If you don't want to, it's fine."

Henkka logged into his phone and went into the photo section. He searched around until he found a Christmas photo of them together with Santa. "Here you go."

Tony took the phone out of Henkka's hands and held it. He smiled down at the picture, recognizing the "hurry up and take the damn picture" expression on Henkka's face. Even that hadn't changed over the years. "She's very pretty, in fact your whole family is."

Henkka nodded and put the phone away.

Tony left the kitchen with a frown on his face.

*********

Henkka left after going over with Tony about what to wear. Tony was still insistent that they work in some jeans, but Henkka kept saying that they should wait to see what the photographer wanted to do.

Instead, Tony made his dinner and tried to not focus on the image of Henkka with his family. There would be no happy family for Tony at this point. That was ruined by her death.

Tony swallowed hard, trying to stop the tears from forming in his eyes. He always wondered if he would have been a good father or not. Would he have the patience to allow them to develop or force his own ideals on them as his parents did with him?

There was no use dwelling on it now. The hopes were dashed long ago and even if he found someone else to spend his life with, the idea of children would be too late.

Still, he wondered if his kids would look like him like Henkka's boy does of him. Would they have the dark brown hair and brown eyes or the light eyes of his mother? Or would they take on the appearance of his wife, whoever that might look like? If it had been her, they probably would have been either dark haired with light eyes or light haired with dark eyes.

The image of her face appeared in his mind again, watching him and silently judging his actions. Would she be disappointed on how he turned out? Did she forgive him for what happened?

Tony stepped away from the stove to cover his eyes with both hands. He choked back the heavy sobs escaping his lips. He didn't want to remember that night again, when everything went horribly wrong and he was left with the consequences.

He dropped to his knees, covering over his ears. Her shrill screams echoing around in his head like it was that night. He should have listened, should have paid attention, should have done the right thing.

Except he did the wrong thing and she was gone.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you need to break traditions and just go for it. Tony is facing just that, but will he rise to the occasion?

Tony woke up to knocks on his front door. He sat up in bed and looked over at his alarm clock. It read 11:00am in a large red font.

He swore and got out of bed to put on his bathrobe.

Once he arrived at the bottom of the steps, the front door opened and Henkka's head appear. "Tony?"

Tony walked up to the door. "Sorry, I overslept."

Henkka frowned at the tired eyes looking at him. "Rough night?"

Tony shivered and sat down on the couch in the living room. "I'm...I'm starting to remember again. I don't want to remember again, especially not that."

Henkka sat down beside Tony. "It can't hurt you anymore, Tony. It's done and she's unfortunately dead. You can't change the past nor can it silently judge you like you thought it was doing back then."

"It's still silently judging me. Everyone is. It's not as bad as it was after I was...after I came back. Those hateful eyes wishing for my death instead of hers."

Henkka touched Tony's arm. "They were angry but now it's just a part of your past. You have to come to terms with it and move on. I know it's easier said than done, but I believe the fact that you're remembering things that you buried deep is a way for you to deal with it." He stopped to sigh. "You refused to deal with it back then, as both of us know, and maybe it's time to just take care of it once and for all."

Tony looked down at his hands. "I...I wasn't even allowed to see her body. Why did they deny me that right? To say goodbye to her."

"I know as Marko told me about that. Looking back I can see why they did it, but they did more damage to you than anything else. She was suddenly gone and you were left to try and make sense of it."

Tony pulled his legs up to his chest and hugged them. "I can't...I can't do this. I'm not strong enough for this."

Henkka put his arm around Tony and held him tight. "You don't have to do it alone, Tony. I'm here if you need me like I always am."

It was then that a knock sounded on Tony's front door.

Henkka swore under his breath. "The photographer."

Tony buried his face in his knees.

********

Henkka returned to Tony when the photographer was setting up her gear. "Ok, I wish we had more time to figure this out but we don't. What do you want to wear for the photo shoot? Keep in mind that you might need a couple different outfits."

Tony sighed. "I'll go get one of my suits."

"Ok, but do you still want to wear jeans too? We can try both and see what works. She's here for an hour so we can get a lot of shots in that amount of time if we plan it well."

Tony bit his lip. "I guess I could. What about my face? I'm pretty sure I look tired right now."

Henkka got the plastic bag. "I got you covered for that. Come on, let's get upstairs and get you dressed."

The photographer turned around once she was finished setting up the lights and backdrop. "I'm ready when you guys are."

Henkka nodded. "We'll be ready in ten minutes."

********

Tony stood in front of his closet. "I don't know what suits I've worn on past covers. It feels like I've worn them all at times."

Henkka chuckled. "You probably have but the last booklet was a blue striped suit."

Tony pulled out his dark red suit. "Have a worn this one lately?"

"Not that I can remember, no. We can do that one and your jeans with the red shoes."

Tony laid out all of the parts of the suit on his bed. "Black shoes for the suit?"

"Sure, that works."

Tony went over to the dresser, pulling out the newly washed jeans and underwear. "What about a shirt for the jeans?"

"A sweater? I can't remember if we bought any that were red."

Tony shook his head. "A few blue and black ones. We couldn't find any red."

"Well, bring them all and we'll figure it out downstairs."

Tony started getting dressed in the suit while Henkka readied stuff in the bathroom. Once he was done he went into the bathroom to stand in front of the mirror. He frowned at the sad face looking back.

Henkka turned him around. "You can look when I'm done. We gotta do this faster than I'd like. What I want you to do is look up without moving your head."

Tony did and a pencil came into view and brushed around his eyes. "This feels weird."

"It's not weird, Tony. I'm only going to put a little bit on anyway. The last thing I want to do is give you raccoon eyes."

Tony waited until Henkka finished both eyes before looking in the mirror. He blinked at his changed appearance.

Henkka chucked and turned him around again. He put something on his fingers and rubbed it underneath Tony's eyes. "This is to cover up your tired eyes. We'll wash it off after the photo shoot."

Tony looked in the mirror again after Henkka finished. All of the lines had disappeared as if like magic.

Henkka smiled and headed out of the bathroom. "Come on, let's shoot some pictures."

*********

The photographer positioned her camera to the side of Tony's piano. "So the record company basically just told me to take pictures of you with the piano. Though I'd rather do a few that aren't if that's ok? Like standing against a wall or staring out a window? I'm open to any suggestions."

Tony glanced over at Henkka for help.

"We usually go with piano shots but I don't mind others. Just let Tony know where you want him."

The photographer smiled. "Got it. How about we get the piano shots out of the way first? Do you have multiple outfits or just this suit?"

Tony flushed. "I have another with jeans."

"Awesome, I like it when classical musicians try to mix it up. Most of the albums I see out there have the same frozen expression with their instrument. Not like there's another wrong with that, but it is a nice change when it isn't."

Tony nodded and waited.

The photographer snapped a few photos of him just sitting at the piano. "How about you playing something or pretend to play something?"

Tony took a deep breath and played something simple on the piano. He smiled at the memory associated with this particular song, as it was the first one he learned on his toy piano as a kid.

"Good, good this is great. Keep doing what you're doing."

Tony played another song from his childhood, one that every Finnish kid knew by heart because it was in every single music class at some point. A smile crossed his lips again, the second one in several minutes. The record company was going to think he was on drugs with all of this sudden happiness.

But it did make him happy, these early songs when he was starting out with the other kids. Not a care in the world other than learning a new song. The only pressure came when they figured out Tony had a knack when it came to reading music and adding his own little touches to songs. He would start composing songs around that time, just simple things based on the songs he already knew.

That's when some of the fun stopped. It became a job and he was transferred between so many schools to find the one that fit his style. No more figuring things out for himself, he was tasked with emulating the classical composers and memorizing their works.

It's only when he finally graduated from the last school that he was able to write for himself again.

And then the accident happened and everything in his life just stopped.

Tony winced at the painful memories coming back to him, stilling his hands in the process.

The photographer stopped taking pictures. "Is something wrong?"

Tony tried to bury the intense emotions for another time. He couldn't break down here in front of a stranger. "Sorry, I was just thinking of something. Are we done with the piano shots?"

"Yeah, I think I have several you'll like. How about you change into the second outfit and I can move around the cameras?"

Tony got up from the piano. He avoided Henkka's glance because he knew Henkka would ask him what was wrong, and he didn't want to delve into that memory just yet.

Henkka and he changed out of the view of the photographer in the living room. "Do I need to ask why you went from smiling to frowning?"

Tony removed his coat and tie without a word.

Henkka nodded, waiting for Tony to finish before touching up Tony's makeup. "Thankfully it's not that warm in here. I don't have to do much."

Tony stared down at his jeans and shoes. He pulled at the black shirt. "I don't think this works with the jeans."

Henkka stepped away a bit to look. "Yeah, maybe try the sweater over it?"

Tony did so and looked in the mirror over the bar. "Hmmm. I guess this works."

The photographer walked into the room. "I'm ready when you guys are."

Tony frowned and pulled at the sweater. Henkka frowned along with him.

The photographer blinked and then looked down at the suit parts on the couch. "Instead of wearing that, how about mixing up the two outfits?"

Tony turned around. "I don't understand."

"Like keep the jeans but have the top half be your suit. The coat, shirt, and tie."

Tony glanced over at Henkka confused.

"That's actually a really good idea."

The photographer left to give them privacy again.

Tony stared at Henkka. "But they don't go together."

Henkka smiled and removed Tony's sweater. "That's the whole point, Tony. It would represent the classical aspect of the suit top but have a more relaxed part with the jeans and shoes."

"And that's a good thing?"

"Yes, it means that you're starting to pull away from the traditional classical approach to photographs. You're the one who complained that you were tired of wearing suits for these types of things. To mix them means you're slowly moving away from that. It's a big step for you if you want to take it of course. We don't have to do what she suggested."

Tony thought for a moment. It was going against every aspect of him growing up by mixing up different clothes types. Not to mention going against the order of things he used to keep everything in line. What would it mean to his life now?

Henkka smiled and started to remove Tony's shirt. "Let's see what it looks like before deciding. It's easy enough to change it back."

Tony sighed, wondering if he was ready for such a thing. He started to put on his white shirt for his suit over his jeans, then the coat and finally the tie. He stared into the mirror over the bar and gaped.

Henkka looked from behind him in the mirror and nodded. "I like it. It's a nice mix."

Tony blinked at his changed appearance. Not that he changed that much but for him this was chaos in action. The mixing of things that should not go together. It went against his norms and yet it worked with the jeans and shoes. 

Henkka stilled Tony's hand when he started to tuck the white shirt into his jeans. "No, leave it out. I think it works better that way."

Tony shook his head at Henkka. "But I can't leave it out. It's supposed to be tucked in."

"It works with the rest of it. Leaving it out shows the transition from suit to jeans."

The photographer poked her head in. "That looks great. I like that suit part matches your shoes."

Henkka snorted. "And everything else in this house. He loves that shade of red."

The photographer smiled. "That's never a bad thing. It means I can take pictures of him near the piano without it clashing with what he's wearing."

Henkka smiled at Tony and touched his shoulder. "It's just for another ten to fifteen minutes. Then you can go back to wearing one or the other. Trust me on this, Tony."

Tony walked over to stand by his piano. He glanced over at the photographer. "Where should I stand?"

"How about by the window behind you? Just look out of it and I'll snap a few pictures."

Tony stared at her. "But what do I look at outside? It's just a forest of trees on this side?"

"It doesn't matter, just look in the general direction of outside. Imagine whatever you want to see."

Tony looked out the window. He pictured Elias leaning against a tree with a smile on his face, proud that Tony had loosened up a bit. A smile crossed his lips in response to the image, as he would if he saw Elias doing it in person.

"Less smiling this time, as you're supposed to look introspective."

A frown replaced the smile, forcing him to think of other things instead of Elias. Images flashed through his mind, a hand reaching out for his that he couldn't quite reach. He instinctually reached out for it and instead touched the window. He wanted desperately to touch that hand, to pull it to him and to feel the softness of those fingers again. Tears rolled down his face, he couldn't stop them even if he tried. He had to feel her again, he needed her.

"Wow, this is more than I hoped. Keep focusing on this moment."

Henkka got up from the chair. "I think we should stop."

"Just a few more shots. This is stunning."

Tony's eyes drifted shut, the images of her filling his mind. Her radiant smile, always brightening his darkest days. She never seemed to frown around him, except for that night. She was worried, just as he was, but for different reasons. In the end, he should have listened to her fears, to her warnings.

He didn't and she was gone

Tony's hands went up to cover his face, as he slid down to his knees, his body shaking with sobs.

Henkka rushed forward to catch him. "We're done with this."

The photographer stepped back, shocked at the display. "Of course, I'm sorry. I didn't think it would turn out like this."

Tony buried his face into Henkka's neck, crying out the tears she would never shed.

*********

Tony shook his head, sitting on the couch still wearing his outfit from the photo shoot. "I can't believe I did that. I'm sorry."

Henkka sat opposite him in a chair. "It's not your fault. We both know the past several weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. I just wish she'd listened to me before letting you go even further. There was no need to push you like that."

"Well, it's now on film. Will we see them before they get submitted to the record label?"

"Yes, they're to be sent to me for approval. It's then that I decide which ones to use. In the past, you just let me pick whatever because you couldn't be bothered to care anymore. I assume you want to see them before I do?"

Tony stared down at his hands. "I don't know if I do. Why would I want to relive that pain again?"

"Well, we could have them play with it to remove the tears and such. Photoshop can do anything at this point."

Tony glanced up. "Photoshop?"

"It's a photo editing software that people use to manipulate photos. Yours never needed it but we could request it if need be. Or just ignore those photos and save the ones of you at the piano and the early ones staring out the window. I like the smiling that you were doing before she made you stop. What were you thinking about?"

Tony played with his hands.

"Tony?"

"Elias. I was thinking of him smiling at me because I managed to not wear a suit for once."

"Assuming he'd even notice. He doesn't seem to hang around much to chat."

"It's only when you're here. We talk a little bit about stuff. I think he would notice if I was wearing jeans. He noticed when I was always wearing suits."

"What does it matter what he thinks?"

Tony flushed. "It doesn't, I was just explaining what I was imagining."

"You know getting involved with someone is risky, especially someone that works for you."

Tony looked up confused. "I don't know what you mean. He's got a girlfriend."

"Still, the last thing you need right now is a relationship with anyone. You need to figure things out with all of this."

Tony got up from the couch and started to pace. "Yes, locked away in my tower like some captured princess."

Henkka pinched the bridge of his nose. "That's not what I was implying and you know it. If you were able, you could leave this house anytime you wish."

Tony tensed and stopped pacing.

Henkka got to his feet to stand in front of Tony. "I'm not trying to lock you away, only to abide by your original wishes. That and the fact that you have no way to go anywhere without me. You could easily walk down your driveway to town, but I know you won't."

"I don't want to see their faces, staring at me and silently judging me for my past. The teenage girl working at the jeans place was too young to remember any of it, but others do. I can't handle that right now."

"Exactly my point. I know you like Elias, and maybe he likes you too, but be careful of that. I'm not saying that he's like what you've seen in the past as he only knows what is on the internet, which isn't much since I've deleted things that I don't want out there."

Tony cocked his head to the side. "Deleted things?"

"Yes, most were slander anyway or conspiracy theories at this point. Your Wikipedia page is only about your music and early childhood. The time with her and the aftermath have been deleted by the page owner which is me. There's no need for it to be out there to begin with, it only fuels ignorant hatred. And really all that matters for your page is to let people know about your music, the rest isn't needed."

Tony sat back down. "Why would people put those kinds of things on this internet thing?"

"Because they have nothing better to do or like to stir up drama. It's actually a good thing you're not on it because it would only make you more afraid to go outside."

Tony glanced up at Henkka. "You'd tell me if there was anything that threatened my life?"

"Of course and prevent it before it ever happened. I monitor your forum and website for stuff like that. Not to mention anything on the internet in general. I haven't seen anything lately because a new generation of people are getting into your music and they have no idea about your past anymore."

Tony shivered. "I wish I could delete my past that easily."

Henkka sat next to Tony on the couch. "If I could, I'd find a way to help you forget about it. It's not something someone would want to remember, but I believe that it is helping you now. Even if it's an overwhelming bunch of emotions, you're dealing with them as they come instead of repressing. Dr. Redden would be pleased if he wasn't already dead."

Tony brought his knees up to his chin and held them tight. "I don't want to remember that man. He treated me like an experiment and never cared if I was suffering or not. I was no better than a lab rat for his tests."

"Sadly that's what you get with doctors who work in that kind of environment. He was so used to dealing with murders and rapists that he had the same treatment for all of them. Too bad one of them didn't like his methods and killed him during their session. Thankfully he was already done with you when it happened."

Tony bit his lip. "I shouldn't have felt relieved when you told me of his death. I never wanted him dead, but I thought it was fitting that he died by another patient's hand. He finally pushed someone too far and paid the consequences."

"And on that happy note, I should probably head back home. Are you all right by yourself? I can stay longer if need be."

Tony shook his head. "No, I'm fine by myself. I'll see you next month?"

Henkka got up from the couch. "Yes, to go over show preparations and setlists. It's three months away but I'd like to get a head start on the staging and lighting before the actual show. That way all you have to do is walk onstage and play."

"What about the photos from today's shoot?"

Henkka thought a moment. "Well, actually I can send you those via regular mail and you can let me know which ones you like or don't like. Though you'll need to call me for that."

Tony sighed and then nodded. "I can do that since it won't be a long call anyway. Just telling you which ones I like."

"And I'll number each of the sets so you can just tell me which number of the sets you like. They tend to send 10-20 photos per set to find one that works. Or several for that matter depending on the booklet."

Tony got up from the couch. "Probably one of each of the two types would work. One at the piano and other by the window."

Henkka retrieved his coat from the hallway closet. "That's fine with me. Both of them looked good from my perspective but I don't know what kind of angles she was using until we see the actual photos. It's hard to judge when I'm sitting behind her."

Tony followed him to the door. "Thanks for helping me with this. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Henkka turned around, a faint blush crossing his face. "Just doing my job."

"Well, I appreciate it. I don't think I've really told you that in the past."

Henkka patted Tony on the shoulder. "You haven't, but I don't mind hearing it."

********

Tony stared down at the stacks of sheet music on top of his piano. Henkka had taken a short trip downtown to get them copied for Pasi and left the originals with Tony. All he could hear in his head was the vocals and piano. The other instruments weren't present at all.

He picked up the guitar sheet music and studied it. They were all in the treble clef, which he knew where it was on the piano but these chords would sound different on a guitar. Otherwise, he would have tried all of the other instruments that way.

The only way to find out what it sounds like was to wait for Pasi's brother to play and record it. Tony had no idea how long that would take but probably longer than a few days. Not even Henkka was that fast, especially with a song this long. It has many notes to figure out and practice.

Though he did know of someone closer that does play guitar.

Tony flushed, thinking about Elias playing guitar for him in his house. Other than piano, he'd never had any other instruments played for him here. After all, he only played the piano so why would he?

The problem is, would Elias agree to such a thing? Did he even like playing long songs or even know how to read sheet music in the first place?

Tony wandered over to his phone, where he last left Elias' business card on the table. He picked it up and studied the plain white card with black font saying Oulu Plumbing on the front. Turning it over had Elias' cell phone number. He took a deep breath and picked up the phone headset to dial the number.

It seemed to ring forever in Tony's ear until a familiar voice appeared on the line. "Tony?"

Tony took a deep breath. "Ah, yeah."

"I can't come over this weekend because I have some other stuff to do. Sorry."

Tony frowned, wondering why this other stuff was more important than his garden. "Actually, I was going to ask you about something else."

"Oh? What?"

Tony bit his lip. "Um, I have some sheet music with guitar parts on it and I was wondering...."

"Why do you have guitar sheet music? I thought you only played the piano?"

Tony nodded and then felt foolish because Elias couldn't see it. "That's correct, but I wrote it out while trying to get out that song out of my head. It's the one that was interfering with my recording, the one you stayed for."

"Ok, but how did you write for something you don't even play?"

"I don't know, to be honest. I just did and the piano one makes sense so I assume the others do as well. I don't have a guitar to find out."

"So you want me to come over and play it for you?"

Tony swallowed hard, his body getting warm again at the thought of Elias playing for him. "Um, yes. I mean, I understand if you're busy or don't want to. It was, um, just an idea."

"I guess I could. It would be a nice distraction from what's going on at home."

Tony blinked, unsure what Elias was referring to but he didn't want to pry.

"Yeah, I can do it. How about tomorrow night after I get off work?"

Tony smiled to himself. "That's fine with me. I can make you dinner if you want?"

"Oh, no, I wouldn't trouble you like that."

Tony's eyes fluttered at the idea of cooking for Elias. "I don't mind it. Do you like pulled pork?"

"Yeah, I do. Sounds good."

Tony let out the trapped breath he'd been holding. "Good, then I'll see you then."

"I'll be there."

Tony replaced the headset and leaned his back against the wall, his heart beating hard with both anticipation of Elias returning and the idea of making something for someone else. It had been a long while since he made dinner for anyone. Henkka usually left before then, preferring to get back to Kokkola before it was too late.

The only other person Tony had cooked for was...was for her.

Tony swallowed at the memories that came flooding back of him trying to woo a girl he'd met through Marko. He believed she liked him but he wasn't sure so he tried making her dinner several times.

The first time had been a disaster, as he didn't know what he was doing at all. Dinner ended up burnt and uneatable. They got something from Anthony's instead.

The next several times went more smoothly as Tony began to learn more about cooking for himself and others. His parents or teachers never taught him these things when he was growing up. He had to learn by trial and error, mostly by error.

Eventually, she said yes after the fourth time. After that, he found he enjoyed cooking so much that he continued to do so when they were together or apart.

Now he was doing it again, but he wasn't wooing Elias to be with him.

Or was he?


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They come together for a special dinner. Though will the actions of others ruin Tony's well thought out plans?

Tony paced the length of his living room back and forth. Elias had called him earlier that day to let him know when he was getting off from work in order for Tony to plan dinner.

Except Elias was late and the dinner was done so Tony had nothing else to do but wait. That translated to pacing the living room to pass the time.

He stopped in front of the bar and poured himself a shot glass of whiskey. Since he wasn't playing tonight, the liquor would be just the thing to calm him down a little. He had no intention of getting drunk or anything along those lines. The last thing he needed was for Elias to see him like that.

As if on cue, a knock sounded on the front door.

Tony took a deep breath and crossed the floor to the door. There was nothing to worry about, it was just dinner between two guys. He ran a hand through his hair and donned a smile before opening the door.

It died on his lips when he saw Elias' face.

Elias nodded at Tony and shuffled inside. He wore a sad face, carrying a soft case on his back and a small box in his hand. "Sorry, I'm late. Work was really busy."

Something inside was telling him Elias was lying. They didn't know each other well enough for that but something was indeed off with Elias. Should he pry?

Elias set his stuff besides Tony's piano and turned around to face him. "It smells good."

Tony headed for the kitchen. "Oh yes, it just finished cooking. I'll dish some up for us."

Elias stood in the kitchen doorway watching him.

Tony got out two plates, all the while he could feel that Elias wanted to tell him something. "Long day?"

Elias stared at the ground. "Yeah, you could say that."

Tony dished up the meat, salad, and roll. He turned around and frowned at Elias, who had slumped shoulders like a chastised child. "Are you ok?"

Elias glanced up. "Yeah, sorry." He took the plate and advanced into the living room, stopping short when he got to the couch. "I'm still wearing my work stuff. I don't want to get it dirty."

Tony got out some trays to put their food on next to the bar. "I'll wash it later. Go ahead and sit down."

Elias sat down on the couch, waiting for Tony to set a tray in front of him so he could put his food down.

Tony put one down for himself and turned Elias again. "Want something to drink with it? I have water, milk, juice, red wine...."

"Do you have anything stronger? It's been a rough day."

Tony smiled. "Of course. I have whiskey, bourbon, and vodka."

"Vodka, please."

Tony fixed himself a glass of whiskey and a vodka for Elias. He walked past Elias' tray and set down the glass. He hadn't even sat down on the couch when Elias downed the glass in one gulp. "A very long day, apparently."

Elias shook his head. "Sometimes I wish I could live your life, shut away from everyone and not having to deal with anything other than playing the piano."

Tony took a bite of his meal and chewed, trying to resist saying he would rather Elias' life instead.

"It's just...sometimes I don't understand people very much. Especially women. When I think I've figured them out, they do something weird again."

Tony swallowed his bite and smiled. "I think they're made that way, to keep you on your toes at all times."

Elias glanced up at Tony. "You've been with a lot of women?"

"No, just one actually but I remember meeting her friends who were girls. When they'd talk I'd only understand half of what they were saying because it's like they were speaking some kind of code only women know. Instead, I'd just compose music in my head to pass the time. And then she'd complain to me that I wasn't listening."

Elias smiled a little. "I can understand that. I just...I want a little bit of breathing room and she's not giving it to me. She can go out and spend hours with her friends in a bar or at gigs and I can only do it a few times." He stared down at his food. "I lied to you earlier."

Tony took another bite of food and reveled in the fact that he had finally read someone right.

"I wasn't stuck at work like I said. I was having an argument with my girlfriend outside of work. She'd shown up to give me a piece of her mind about me coming over here for dinner, saying that you should have invited her as well. I tried to explain to her that you didn't do so well around people you didn't know but she wouldn't believe me."

Tony chewed his food slowly, unwilling to interrupt Elias' stream of consciousness.

"Like I'm some kind of child that can't do things alone. It's not the first time she's bitched about this. Every time I come over here to do gardening, she complains that I'm seeing you more than her. It's ridiculous because I'm at work and around her more than you. She's not making any sense anymore."

"She's feeling left out I assume."

"It doesn't help that I'm...."

Tony blinked and glanced over at Elias. "What?"

Elias shook his head and started eating. "I shouldn't be complaining at you like this. You invited me over for dinner and guitar playing, not to bitch about my life."

"I don't mind listening to your problems. Admittedly, I'm not good with advice because I don't deal with many people anymore, but I've always been a good listener. At least when women aren't speaking."

Elias sighed, a frown covering his face.

"I mean, if you want of course. I don't want to push."

Elias looked up into Tony's eyes. "Have you ever...ever felt something for someone that was already in a relationship?"

Tony swallowed hard, trying to think of a good response that didn't involve him blurting out something stupid.

"I mean, not acting on it or anything. I'm not talking about cheating or any of that. I just mean, developing feelings for someone you can't have."

"Yes, I have. In retrospect, it was probably for the better. He'd be like her if I had and others would not have had a chance to feel that kind of love."

Elias blinked at Tony.

Tony noticed it and flushed.

Elias thought for a moment. "It was Marko, wasn't it?"

Tony stared down at his meal. "Yes, it was. I met him before Henkka or even her for that matter. He was...fun to hang out with and understood me somehow. Or maybe I wanted him to, but I still enjoyed going to things with him. That is until I found out he was with Henkka and I pulled back from my feelings. I wasn't used to feeling that way about anyone, beaten down by teachers and my parents that sort of thing was sinful and wrong. He was the first one that I felt anything for."

Elias frowned.

Tony went back to eating, unsure if he should say any more about Marko.

"There's someone I'm falling for but I know it will never be a thing. Even if I were to end my relationship with my girlfriend, I don't think it would work out anyway. We're...too different."

Tony finished off his meal. "I know that feeling too. The very idea of sharing myself with another person is scary for me. I gave her everything I had and...and then I lost her. I don't know if I can go through that again, knowing that it might repeat itself. I'm not strong enough to go through the pain again, it almost killed me the first time."

Elias ate more of his food, still wearing his frown.

Tony sat back on the couch. This was not going how he'd hoped it would. He had to do something to get it back on track so Elias would play for him. But what?

Elias glanced over at Tony. "I'm sorry for all of this. I just...I'm at my wit's end with her. I don't know what to do anymore."

"Do you both share the same place?"

"Yeah for the last four years. Though it's in my name at the moment. I figured that would be the smartest thing."

"Maybe sit down with her like we're doing and talk it out?"

Elias shook his head. "I can't talk to her like I do with you."

"Why not? The only difference is you've been around her longer than me."

Elias opened his mouth to respond but then closed it.

"I mean, if you don't talk then she'll never know this bugs you. At least enough to think of breaking up."

Elias sat back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. "But do I really want to break up with her? I haven't lived on my own for a while."

Tony smiled a little. "Well, as having been alone for the past fifteen years I can say that you'll do fine. It's weird but if you have something to take your mind off it like your music, then you can get through anything."

"Or someone maybe?"

"Maybe, but going straight from one relationship to another sounds like a bad idea to me. You haven't had time to deal with the first one yet."

Elias turned to look Tony in the eyes. "Well, maybe not that kind of relationship. Maybe just someone to hang out with and talk."

Tony frowned. Was Elias going to stop coming over?

Elias blinked at his reaction. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No, I like that we talk sometimes. I was worried that maybe you wouldn't want to come over and garden for me. Not that you have to or anything."

Elias smiled. "That's the last thing I want to do. I enjoy working in your backyard and talking to you. It's why I said yes to tonight."

"But not the guitar playing part?"

Elias laughed. "Well, I guess that too. It will be a nice change to play for you instead. I've only seen you play."

Tony swallowed hard, images of Elias playing for him in his mind's eye making him warm. "True, and you'll be the first instrument to be played in my house other than my piano."

A hint of red crossed Elias' face. "Well, I'll try my best. It's been a while since I had to read sheet music. I'm kind of rusty."

Tony got up from the couch and smiled. "We have all night if need be. I just don't want you to get into trouble with your girlfriend."

"At this point, I don't care anymore. I'd rather be here with you."

Tony flushed and took his dishes to the kitchen.

********

Tony sat in the living room waiting for Elias to finish hooking up his gear. He only had a few pieces so it didn't take much time other than finding a place to plug in the amplifier.

Elias looked up, his black and silver guitar hanging across his body. "I didn't know what kind of music we'd be playing so I didn't bring a lot of gear. Though I do have a small effects board if you need more than just clean or distorted."

"I don't even know that means."

Elias smiled, turning a small knob on the front of his guitar and started to play a slow piece. "This is clean guitar. No effects or distortion."

Tony watched Elias touch something on his amp.

Elias grinned and played a fast piece with screeching, fast notes.

Tony grimaced at the sound.

Elias laughed and touched his amp again. "From the look on your face, I'm guessing we'll stick with clean guitar. For the record, that was distortion. It can be used in a variety of ways, I just picked one of them."

Tony ducked his head. "Sorry, I'm just not used to amplified music. I've always been around classical instruments and they're usually just microphoned."

Elias went over to the edge of the piano to stare down at the stacks of sheet music. "Which one is mine?"

"I labeled them at the top with each of the instruments."

Elias blinked at the multitude of different instruments. "You wrote for all of these?"

"Yes, they appeared all mixed up in my head and Henkka told me to write them out. I spent several days, according to what Henkka told me, writing them out."

Elias turned around and frowned at Tony. "What Henkka told you? You don't remember?"

"No, I have no memory of it whatsoever. I remember being crippled by the noise in my head and the next thing I remember was waking up in my bed hooked up to an IV."

Elias' eyes widened. "An IV? With drugs in it?"

"No, just saline. The doctor said I was dehydrated because I didn't eat or drink during that time. As I said, I don't remember any of it. It was Henkka who told me that I was unconscious when he found me. He called the doctor and hooked me up to the IV. I apparently woke up a few hours afterward."

Elias shook his head. "Henkka should have taken you to the hospital. Calling a doctor up here was foolish. What if something bad happened to you?"

Tony shivered. "No, he would never do that again. He knows I hate that place and never want to step foot in it unless I was critical."

"But you could have been. He had no way of knowing that."

Tony looked up at Elias. "It's not the first time this has happened. In fact, they used the same IV stand I had in the back of my closet for it. Henkka was doing what I asked of him. He knows I would have freaked out waking up in a space I didn't know."

"Still, if I would have been here I would have taken you to the hospital. I'm not going to chance your life to some doctor coming up here."

Tony scoffed. "He's not some doctor. I've had him as a doctor since I was in my twenties. He knows about this more than any doctor at the hospital. Would you rather me freaking out or just confused at home?"

"But I wouldn't know that, Tony."

Tony got up from the couch, anger building up inside. "Maybe this was a mistake. Go ahead and packed up your stuff."

Elias touched Tony's arm as he tried pass. "Look, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, just trying to understand why you didn't go to the hospital. It's none of my business and I'm sorry for pushing it."

Tony took a deep breath. "Fine, just play the music."

Elias turned around to stare down at the sheet music. "It's been a while since I read this but I'll try my best."

Tony went back in the living room and sat down on the couch.

Elias transcribed the notes out in his head. He looked down at the guitar and started to play them.

Tony winced. It wasn't matching the music in his head. "I don't think that's the right key."

Elias turned back to the sheet music and tried again. He played a different set of notes this time around. "It would help if I had an idea of what it might sound like."

Tony thought for a moment and then got up from the couch. "Maybe I can help with that. I can at least give you the piano parts to play with. They should be interlocking, at least they were in my mind."

Elias looked at the stacks of sheet music and pushed the piano parts toward Tony.

Tony pointed to his head. "No need, it's up here already. Once I play something or hear it being played, it's there forever."

"You didn't play it originally?"

Tony readied his fingers. "No, Henkka did. I was...doing something else."

Elias opened his mouth to respond but Tony started playing. He listened to the notes being played and tried to figure out how they went with the sheet music in front of him. Eventually, he just shrugged and played along with the piano instead.

Tony stopped playing, realizing that Elias' parts were not syncing up with the piano. "That's not how it goes."

"As I said I'm rusty with reading sheet music. I haven't done it since I was in school years ago. I figured if I play along with you then maybe I'll get it."

Tony stared at him.

"It's called jamming. You know, playing along with something and creating something new. I know you do it with your composing because how else are you going to figure this all out?"

Tony looked down at the piano. "I usually compose it in my head and then play it out. I don't sit around at my piano randomly playing keys."

Elias flushed and stared at the sheet music again. "Well, that's how I compose and it works for me. I guess you're not the same."

"Maybe if I play the whole thing it will help you figure out the notes on your parts. They should be really close if it interlocks like I think it does."

Elias nodded and then blinked. "I'm an idiot. I have an app on my phone that might help." He rummaged in his bag and pulled out his phone. "It transcribes sheet music into tab from scans of it. I might be able to take a picture of it and let it read it."

Tony watched him take several pictures of the first page of sheet music.

Elias fiddled with his phone for several minutes before exclaiming, "Ah ha! Got it. Now I can play this with you instead of guessing."

Tony started to play piano again and Elias followed him. They weren't in sync but Elias was playing the right notes. He could tell because they were mixing with the piano and vocals already in his head. "That is correct, but let's start at the beginning together because it's jumbled like this."

"Just give me the count off."

Tony looked over at the sheet music. "Ok. 1, 2, 3, 4."

The piano and guitar melded together like they were supposed to. Vocals pushed at Tony to sing them. He wasn't sure if Elias wanted to hear that so he ignored them.

They were insistent and Tony finally gave in at the end of Elias' first page and sang.

Elias stopped playing and gaped at Tony.

Tony kept singing and playing, not noticing that Elias had stopped. The lyrics flowed out of him again, just like that had when Henkka was there. Though this was the first time he'd sung them and playing piano at the same time. It was odd and yet comforting to him.

It was toward the middle of the lengthy song that Tony noticed Elias was missing and stopped. He glanced up, flushing at the stunned look on Elias' face and mumbling, "Sorry."

Elias blinked. "Did you always sing like that?"

Tony lowered his head, embarrassment running through his body.

"I mean, it's not bad or anything. I just didn't expect something so passionate to come from your mouth. I could hear it in your playing already but with the voice it makes it even more amazing."

Tony turned a darker shade of red.

Elias smiled at it. "Here, let me do the rest of the pages so we can play together for all of it. It's going to take me another ten minutes or so."

********

Tony played away to the music in his head, Elias' parts interweaving with his and he finally gave in and sang along as well. He glanced up at Elias, watching his forehead scrunched up in concentration as he read the notes off his phone. Despite not knowing the song, Elias followed along as if he was meant to play these parts.

Admittedly, Tony would rather Elias and then some random person like Pasi's brother. He knew Elias, and possibly even trusted him a little to do justice to his work.

He could feel eyes on him so he lifted his head and stared right into Elias' eyes. They were playing along together and Elias was so into the music that he stopped looking at his phone for musical prompts. And yet, despite that they were matching line for line.

Tony's eyes fluttered, the idea of them playing together permanently filled him with warmth and need. Like he needed to be with Elias to make this kind of beautiful music, and that it wouldn't come out unless they were together.

Could he really give himself, his musical self that is, to Elias like that? Could he play with someone else and still feel in control of the situation? When he played with orchestras, some of the musicians took liberties with his work, changing little things and such. It always bugged him, despite Henkka reassuring him that they only did it to conform to the different instruments of the orchestra.

Elias wasn't doing that, following along with Tony's piano and lyrics. Even when he didn't know the notes, he was close enough to what Tony had in mind. It just wasn't perfect like he wanted it.

When they approached the middle section, Tony motioned at Elias' phone.

Elias frowned and realized they were in a solo section, taking his hand off the guitar and turning his phone back on all in one swift move. He blinked at the rows and rows of fast-paced notes on the screen.

Tony stopped playing. "Is something wrong?"

Elias flushed. "Well, the pace is changing a lot in this section. Do you mind if we pause and let me figure out how this goes?"

Tony sat back on the bench.

Elias stared at his phone and then at the guitar. "So from what I can gather, it's supposed to go like this during the solo part."

Tony listened to Elias play the next section of the song. "It's too slow, it needs to be faster."

Elias tried the passage again, this time faster.

"A little bit faster."

Elias shrugged and played it again, even faster this time. "Any faster and I'll have to call myself Yngwie Malmsteen."

"Who?"

Elias laughed. "Never mind. Was that better?"

"Can you play it again?"

Elias played it again.

"Yes, that's better. Though it goes from faster to slower to faster again during the solo part. I can play you what the piano part is doing during that time if that helps."

Elias nodded and watched Tony play.

Tony took a deep breath, his fingers dancing over the keys at a fast rate. This was his favorite part of the song. Every time he heard it, it took his breath away at the sheer force of the music at this speed. He'd never done anything like it before.

Elias waited until Tony finished that section before speaking. "Ok, I can see what you mean with it bouncing up and down with the speed. Though it looks like I'm just matching you in speed with my guitar. There's no guitar solo for me?"

Tony blinked. "Why would there be a guitar solo?"

"Well, this type of music kind of does that. Each instrument gets their own time to show off and then it's either back to the song or the next instrument takes over. Right now you appear to be soloing and I'm backing you but what happens afterward?"

Tony thought for a moment, letting the music continue in his head until he got to the part after his solo. "It goes back to the main theme of the song and then after that is another piano solo."

Elias made a face. "Another one? I mean, yeah, you're the main guy but I wonder if it would be better if the other instruments got to do their thing instead."

Tony shook his head. "I don't believe that would work with the song. Not to mention, I don't have any solos written out for them."

"Well, we could try and see what happens. At least with my part."

Tony hesitated. He didn't like being told what to do with his songs, and yet Elias sort of had a point. Four piano solos in a long song like this seemed to be a lot, even for him. Finally, he said, "Ok, after this solo that we're doing right now and the main theme you can try something along the same kind of lines as the music."

"What does that solo sound like? The second one I mean."

Tony waited for his mind to come to the part where it started. He played the second solo, slowing down his fingers this time around, almost like a funeral dirge at times.

Elias listened to it. "I can definitely find something to play in that part. Especially with how you played it there. I'll work with your part and give you something that fits."

Tony frowned. "But then what do I play?"

"Actually you can keep playing what you did there. I'll just add something to it that makes it sound like I'm soloing."

Tony blinked.

Elias laughed. "Trust me, I know what I'm doing. At least I think I do."

Tony readied his fingers. "Let me know when you want to start the first solo."

Elias flicked his phone back a few screens. "Ok, I got it. Go ahead and start."

Tony started playing again, the first solo of the song at a fast speed. He let his eyes drift shut, letting the melody fill him once more with passion that ached to be free. He couldn't figure out where these particular desires were coming from, out of his oppressed past or just playing with Elias now. It could be either or both.

They played together through the first solo and back to the main theme of the song. Their eyes met again during it, Tony's body getting warm from the heated looks Elias was giving him while they played.

Tony slowed down for the second solo and held his breath. He had no idea what Elias would give him.

Elias broke into a solo, matching Tony's but adding little things to it that showcased his guitar playing.

Tony gaped at the performance, the sheer force of Elias' painful notes that echoed the dirge theme in Tony's head. How had Elias known that it was the same thing playing in Tony's head in the background? He hadn't focused on it because it wasn't a piano or vocal part.

But it was there, matching Elias spontaneous notes as if it had been there all along.

Were they all in there somewhere in the background? Had he somehow learned to tune into the ones he'd already heard being played but not the rest?

Elias stopped playing and exhaled. "Wow, that was pretty intense. It just kind of came out all at once."

Tony glanced up. "Can you play it again?"

"Uh, maybe? I was making it up as I was going along."

Tony frowned. "But if I wanted to release this song, I'd want to have that solo again. It fit perfectly to the music in my head."

Elias readied his guitar again. "Well, let's try it again and see if I can. I think I remember what I did for most of it."

"There's not some way on your phone to record what you're doing?"

Elias tapped his phone. "Yeah, I can set it up to record what I'm playing. Though the quality won't be as good."

"That doesn't matter, it's just something to let you know what you played so you can replicate it later."

Elias smiled. "Why didn't I think of that? I can totally learn stuff from recordings. Plus this place has great acoustics. I was watching Pasi with his recording equipment and he didn't have to add anything to your performance."

"As he shouldn't. I just want me captured, not recording trickery."

Elias switched on his phone to record. "Ok, ready when you are."

"Let's start with the main theme before your solo."

Elias waited for Tony to start and followed him, his eyes seeking out Tony's during it.

Tony sighed, his body getting warm again at the looks they shared. He didn't know what to make of them and wished they would stop appearing when Elias was near. There's no way they could have a normal relationship or that it was even possible with Elias in a relationship already.

Elias played his solo again.

Tony nodded when the pieces melded with what he was playing again. He waited until it ended to say something. "That's exactly what you did before."

Elias switched off the recording mode on his phone. "Now let's see if I got anything to show for it." He tapped out a few buttons and tinny music came out from his phone.

Tony made a face. That's not how it sounded to him.

Elias chuckled at the reaction. "Yeah it doesn't sound like much now but I can clean it up at home. There's a few programs that will take the tinny stuff and revert it back to where it supposed to be. At the very least, enough for me to duplicate the solo again."

"Then I guess that's it. It pretty much follows the same path with two more solos."

Elias looked back at the sheet music app and flicked through the pages. "Hmmm, that third solo is fast and slow at the same time."

Tony demonstrated some of it on the piano. "Yes, I'm going up and down the piano, playing complicated arpeggios as I go along."

Elias searched out for the fourth solo in the song. "Well, that's interesting. The fourth solo is fast like the first one, but it looks like lower notes."

"Yes, they are. It was odd to hear it being played because I've never done that sort of thing before. If I play fast, it's usually around middle C or higher."

Elias looked at the notes on his phone and started playing them on his guitar. "It's weird because when you do them on the guitar, they're not as low as the piano." He played the same range of notes from the beginning of the solo several times. "It has this kind of cosmic feel to them."

Tony watched Elias play the parts and then did them himself on the piano. A thundering sound filled the air, with the lowest keys of the piano being struck.

Elias' eyebrow rose. "That sounds pretty cool actually. Especially if it's mixed with what I'm playing. Let's try it out."

Tony started the solo from the beginning, assuming it would be like it was with the main theme parts.

And yet it wasn't.

They mixed together to give this in the middle of a thunderstorm atmosphere to the song. Elias higher notes like lightning crashing down amongst the rolling thunder Tony was playing.

Tony hadn't heard anything like it but he wanted it to continue and not go back to the main theme again. They were playing off each other so well that it was bringing new ideas to Tony's mind. He was being inspired again but it in a new way to fit Elias' playing.

Despite what was playing in his head, Tony went for it and played something similar to the solo where the main theme was supposed to go.

Elias glanced up from his phone with a raised eyebrow.

Tony looked deep into Elias' eyes as if to dare him to continue to follow.

Elias grinned, nodding his head in an acknowledgment and playing again. This time dancing around Tony's piano's parts.

Tony felt the familiar pull on his body, something he only felt when he played alone, and let it happened. After all, if he was going to share his music with someone, it might as well be everything that comes with it.

He cried out and he could swear that he heard Elias do the same thing right after him as if they were making love to each other.

Tony gasped and stumbled to his feet, like he always had, intent on touching the top of his piano to show his thanks. Instead, strong arms steadied him from the side. He glanced up into Elias' dark eyes and shivered. It would be easy to just lean up and kiss Elias, cupping his face and holding him tight. All it took was one move.

Was he ready for something that monumental? Not to mention what if Elias pushed him away? Could he stand that kind of heartbreak?

He didn't get the chance to ponder it further as Elias pulled him tight to his body and gasped for air.

For someone who didn't like this kind of touching all that much, sometimes Tony wished he got it more on occasion. To feel another chest brushing against his with each breath, the warmth that came from a close embrace, and the staccato heart pounding in time to his own.

At the same time, it felt confining and being owned by another. Even if just for moment.

Elias shook his head, his chin brushing the top of Tony's head. "I've never felt anything like that before. It's like we were...well, doing more than playing music."

Tony buried his face into Elias' neck, inhaling Elias' scent and eliciting a shiver from Elias' body. A million things were running through his brain to get away, to just let go of Elias but his body wouldn't listen. Instead, he pulled back a little to kiss along Elias' neck.

Elias gasped, holding Tony's body tighter to his own and whispering, "Tony...."

Tony shivered, his body getting off on Elias' saying his name. He wanted to stay like this forever, tasting Elias' sweat with each brush of his lips.

Elias moaned his name again.

He had to stop this. Nothing good could come of this and Elias was promised to another but he couldn't stop. He wanted to taste more...he wanted to taste Elias' lips.

Elias groaned and touched Tony's head. "Tony...."

Tony pulled back, his mind finally winning out and flushed. "Sorry."

Elias smiled and held Tony tight. "It's ok."

"That was...that was my favorite part to kiss on her. I could spend hours just doing that until she'd push me off and giggle at me."

Elias inhaled sharply. "Well, it is a good spot to kiss. All those nooks and crannies."

Tony nodded but said nothing.

"But do you like it done to you?"

Tony swallowed hard, his body warming up to the idea. Finally, he gasped, "Yes."

Elias pulled back a little, looking into Tony's dark eyes and going under Tony's neck.

Now it was Tony's turn to gasp, Elias' soft kisses mapping out every part of his neck. His hands reached up to tangle in Elias' long hair when Elias started to suck on his Adam's apple.

Tony arched against Elias' body, shaking with need and want. He needed to taste Elias' lips, the desire was overwhelming his senses to the point of pain.

As if on cue, Elias pulled back with concern. "You ok? I'm not going too far?"

Tony shook his head, his hands pulling Elias' head close again. "No."

Elias bit his lip and leaned in closer.

Tony breathed hard, pulling Elias close enough for their lips to almost touch. He looked into Elias' eyes, hoping to convey his intentions without saying anything.

Elias closed the gap, intent on capturing Tony's lips....

When a loud noise startled them apart.

Tony gasped for a breath at the sudden noise, his eyes going wide.

Elias flushed, ducking his head and reaching for something. "Sorry, that's my phone."

Tony moved away to allow Elias some privacy. He wandered into the kitchen and held tight onto the sink edge. A waterfall of emotions shook his body while he tried to calm down.

They almost kissed, he almost stepped over the edge of no return.

Tony tried to force his breathing to normalize. He hadn't been this worked up in a long time. His eyes started seeing dots before them, dizziness starting to set in. Fingers fumbled for his inhaler and squeezed. The rush of air hit the back of Tony's throat and his eyes started to focus again.

It was then that he could hear parts of Elias' conversation and who he might be talking with. From the declarations of "if you don't like it, you can leave", Tony was sure Elias was arguing with his girlfriend.

He was the cause of this. He'd led Elias astray with inviting him over to garden and now this. Tony shook his head, he didn't want to be the cause of the end of someone's relationship. He had no business being in one and it would only end in heartbreak if Elias and he were to begin one.

Elias wandered in to stand in the kitchen doorway, wearing a frown. "I should probably go."

"That's probably for the best. I'm sorry."

Elias shook his head. "You didn't cause this, it's been brewing for years now. It's...it's just finally come to a head now."

Tony bit his lip and said something that hurt just uttering the words. "I assume you want to stop coming over here to garden?"

"No, I need to finish it up for you, though the weather has been less than helpful. I'm hoping for a cloudy day to finish the walkway before winter sets in."

Tony moved away from the sink to stand in front of Elias. "Thank you for coming over to play my song. It was beautiful."

Elias smiled a little and headed back into the dining room to gather up his gear.

Tony watched him from the doorway, wanting to be back in Elias' arms again. He knew the moment was over and likely to never happen again, but that didn't stop him from wishing for it to be.

When Elias finished getting his stuff together, he turned around to face Tony again. "Goodnight, Tony."

Tears formed in Tony eyes. He knew it was for the best but it still hurt. His body moved on his own as he followed Elias to the door. He stood in the doorway, his eyes connecting with Elias when he moved to close the door. "Goodnight, Elias."

Elias opened his mouth to say something in response. Instead, his just shook his head and headed down the stairs to his truck.

Tony closed the door, leaning on it and letting the tears fall down his face.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one thing Tony dreaded has now come true. Will Elias be able to get him to do the right thing or will someone end up dead because of it?

Tony sighed into his coffee. He didn't have much to do before the upcoming gigs in December.

He called Henkka and told him which photos he liked of the ones Henkka overnighted him. He already had an idea of what to wear for the two gigs. The album was about to be released soon and all he could do was wait.

To be honest, he hated waiting for things.

He'd rather pass the time talking with Elias or watching him garden. Or kissing him, his lust added at the end.

The weather had been a constant stream of dark clouds and rain every single weekend so there was no point of Elias showing up. Even Tony wouldn't have forced him to appear in that kind of weather. The last thing he wanted was for Elias to get sick.

Tony sighed again and finished off his coffee. He set it on the tray and picked it up to take into the kitchen. While at the sink, he placed the dirty dishes in it and put the tray away in the cupboard over the stove.

He turned around and wandered back over to the sink. While soaping up the dishes, he glanced out the window and frowned. The last time he looked out the window it was raining and now it was changing into fluffy snow. Wasn't Elias supposed to do something before it snowed?

As if on cue, the phone rang.

Tony turned off the water and dried off his hands before heading for the phone. Anyone who knew him always rang it a few more times just in case.

He swallowed hard and picked up the phone. "Hello?"

"Tony, it's Elias. I just looked outside down here and it's snowing. Is it doing that up there?"

Tony nodded and then rolled his eyes. Elias wouldn't be able to see that. "Yes, it's coming down pretty heavy up here."

"Shit! I need to cover over the buds before it freezes or it will kill them. Can I come by your place in the next thirty minutes?"

Tony thought for a moment. "Sure, I guess. I have nothing planned today."

"Good, give me another ten minutes on top of what I just said as I need to put on snow chains first for your hill."

Tony replaced the phone on the base. They would see each other for the first time a month after that night. He sighed, shaking his head at the lustful thoughts appearing in his head at the mere thought of Elias kissing his neck.

It was over and nothing could change that. One moment in time that wouldn't be replicated anytime soon.

********

Tony was sitting on the couch, reading a book when a knock on the door sounded. He set the book aside and headed for the door. He took a deep breath before opening it, there was nothing for him to get worried about. Elias was just going to take care of a few things and leave.

Elias stared back at him from the doorway, wearing a thicker jacket. "Hey, can I get the keys? I'll be done in like 30 minutes, assuming the snow doesn't try and bury me first."

Tony looked behind Elias and noticed it was coming down even harder. He retrieved the keys from his jeans pocket and handed them over to Elias. "Be careful."

Elias took them and said, "I will, the last thing I need is a trip the hospital."

Tony shuddered as he closed the door. He hated that place and he wouldn't go back there for any reason. Even if he was bleeding to death or gasping for his last breath.

********

Tony was tidying up the kitchen he heard what he thought was a muffled scream. He headed for the window to see if anything was wrong. He moved back away from the window and ran to the hall closet to take out his heavy coat and boots.

He hurried back into the kitchen and down the basement stairs. Fumbling for his keys, he opened the downstairs door to the garden. He stopped short at the stairs when he spotted Elias face down in the snow.

Tony swallowed hard, hurrying down the steps and over to when Elias lay. He reached down with a bare hand to touch Elias' arm. "Elias?"

Elias whimpered and rolled over on the ground, cradling his right arm. "Fuck, I'm so stupid! I should have known to wear my boots with tread for snow. Instead, I come out here and fall."

Tony reached down to touch Elias' arm. "Is it...is it broken?"

"I think so. I can't move it and it hurts like hell. You're going to have to call an ambulance."

Tony backed away, shaking his head. "I can't do that. Not up here. No, no no."

"There's no other way. I can't get there on my own."

Tony dropped to his knees and covered his ears. "I can't go back there. I can't...."

Elias clenched his teeth. "I can't drive with a broken arm, Tony. I need it for shifting gears."

Tony glanced over at Elias. "Drive."

"Yes, I can't drive with a broken arm. Especially not the shifting one."

Tony swallowed down the lump in his throat. "All you need to do is get there."

Elias shivered on the ground. "Yes, and you don't even need to call the ambulance. Just get my phone out my backpack over there and give it to me. I can call them."

Tony got to his feet and kneeled down by Elias. "Your keys are in your bag, right?"

"Yeah, but I can't drive."

Tony got under Elias and brought him back up to a sitting position. "All I need to do is get you there and come back."

Elias watched Tony go for his bag and search through it. "What are you looking for? My phone is in the front pocket."

"Where are your truck keys?"

Elias stared at him. "I can't drive."

Tony turned around to face Elias. "I know that! But I can and all I have to do it get you to it. Then we won't have to call an ambulance up here. It's going to take the same amount of time for them to get up here as me to drive you there."

Elias leaned back on the flower box. "They're in my pants pocket."

Tony brought the bag with him and set it down beside Elias. He kneeled down and helped Elias to his feet. "Which pocket?"

Elias used his left hand to pull out his keys from his left pocket. "Tony, you don't know how to drive."

Tony let a sigh escape his lips. "Yes, I do. I'm just not allowed to."

********

Elias shuffled over to his truck from the back gate with Tony guiding him. "I don't like this, Tony."

Tony opened the passenger side door of the truck. "Neither do I, but I can't call them Elias. I just can't, I don't want to hear the mocking. It was bad enough to hear it years ago."

Elias sighed and sat down. He stopped Tony from closing the door. "Be careful."

Tony closed the truck door. Years of anxiety was filling him again, telling him this was a mistake, that he wasn't ready for this. He half believed them, but at the same time he couldn't let Elias wait for an ambulance. 

There was no time to wait.

Tony climbed into the driver's side and blinked at the distance between his feet and the pedals. 

Elias' teeth chattered. "There's...there's a lever on the side to pull up the seat."

Tony frowned at Elias. "Are you cold?"

Elias pointed his head behind him. "There's a blanket in the back part."

Tony kneeled on the seat and peered into the small space behind them. He reached around and produced a ratty blanket. "Is this it?"

"Yeah, give it to me. I think I'm going into shock."

Tony put it over Elias' top half. "I'll put some heat on when I start the engine."

Elias burrowed under the blanket and kept shivering.

Tony moved the seat up and studied the dash and stick. "It hasn't changed much since I did this last, though not a truck."

"Third...third gear is sticky. We shouldn't need it since the hospital is right down the hill. We could pretty much coast down it, other than the light."

Tony put the key into the ignition and hesitated. Was this really the right thing to do? What if something happened? What if he got them into an accident?

Elias turned his head when he heard gasps of air coming from Tony's lips. He reached over and touched Tony's hand. "I can't know what you're feeling right about now, but it will be fine Tony. I believe in you."

Tony took a deep breath, turning the key and the engine rumbling to life. "Thanks."

"It's just like any other stick shift, just don't take your foot off the clutch too soon or it will stall."

Tony took his foot off the brake and put it into gear. "I remember it from driving class. Took me forever to learn that."

********

Tony eased the truck out of his driveway and down the hill. His whole body was tense as a bowstring, hyper-aware of everything nearby.

"This hill was a little slippery when I was coming up it so take it slow for now."

Tony swallowed another lump his throat and got it down to the stoplight at the bottom. He gripped the wheel tight, tears filling his eyes.

Elias shivered and touched Tony's arm again. "There's hardly anyone on the road today so you won't run into anyone."

Tony gripped the wheel harder, the tears rolling down his face.

"I didn't mean it like that. You won't have to go around others for this. Just take a right and go straight for several stoplights and then take a left."

Tony took a deep breath and wiped away the tears. He shifted it into gear when the light changed again.

Elias had been right, there weren't many people on the road. It's like they headed for shelter when the snow began.

Tony stopped at another red light and waited for it to turn.

Elias' eyes started to drift shut.

Tony shook his shoulder. "Don't go to sleep yet, Elias. I want to make sure you didn't hit your head as well."

Elias blinked awake and licked his dry lips. "It's hard, I'm sleepy."

"I know it all too well."

Tony stopped at the light that led to the hospital. He glanced around and froze in place.

It was here. It happened right here.

Tony started to wheeze.

"All you need to do is turn left. It's just another light."

The sounds of crunching glass and metal all around him. Groans and moans from the other car. People yelling and screaming on the sides. They all filled his head at once.

Tony covered his ears, he didn't want to hear it anymore. Go away!

Elias clenched his teeth and tried to sit up more. "Tony, listen to me. It's done, it's over and done. You can't change the past nor should it rule your life."

"I killed her."

Elias swallowed hard. "No, you didn't. At least not willingly."

"It doesn't matter. She died by my hand."

Elias looked in the rearview mirror to make sure no one was behind them. "Maybe, but I believe you can right a wrong. Right now you can take me to the hospital, get past this light forever."

Tears weaved down Tony's face. "I don't know if I'm strong enough."

Elias winced, reaching over with his left hand to touch Tony's and interlocked his fingers. "We wouldn't have gotten this far if you weren't strong enough. You suggested this, not me. You're stronger than a lot of men put together." He stopped to sigh. "One action in your life caused a tragedy. It's horrible and no one should go through it, but you have a chance to redeem yourself - you can save my life."

Tony turned his head to look Elias in the eyes. "Do you really trust me with that?"

Elias smiled, letting go of Tony's hand and touching the side of Tony's face with his fingers. "I wouldn't be here if I didn't."

Tony took a deep breath. "Then, let's do this."

The light changed again and this time Tony went through it to turn left.

*********

Tony pulled in the emergency entrance, memories flooding back of that day in the ambulance. He took a deep breath, opening the door and calling out to a smoking guard nearby. "I need help! He's broken his arm."

The guard flicked his cigarette away and headed back inside to get a nurse. 

The nurse brought a wheelchair out to the truck and around the other side. She opened the door and gasped at the bloodstained blanket. "Why didn't you call an ambulance?"

Tony froze in place.

Elias looked up at the nurse. "It's a long story. I fell in his backyard trying to cover over the plants to save them from the first frost."

The nurse helped Elias into the wheelchair and took off the blanket to reveal blood coming from Elias' arm. "Well, at least you got here before you passed out from all of the blood loss."

Tony's eyes drifted shut.

The nurse shut the door and wheeled the chair to where Tony was standing. "What's wrong with him?"

Elias reached out to touch Tony's hand. "The garage is downstairs. I doubt they want us to leave the truck here."

Tony opened his eyes and went back to the idling truck. He took one last look at Elias and drove the truck away.

********

Tony stood at the elevator in the garage that went upstairs. He didn't know if he could handle going up there but he had to find out if Elias was ok. The sight of that much blood already soaking through the right side of Elias' shirt scared him.

What if he took even a second longer to get here? Would Elias have died?

An older couple stood beside him at the elevator.

Tony swallowed hard and said nothing.

The woman cocked her head at the button that wasn't lit up. She glanced over at Tony and smiled. "Can't get the elevator if you don't push the button."

Tony flushed.

The woman stared at Tony for a few seconds. "Haven't I seen you before?"

Tony opened his mouth to respond when the elevator doors pinged open. He waited until they got inside before he crossed the threshold.

"Sick relative?"

Tony turned to face the woman. "Uh, friend."

The woman smiled. "Well, I'm sure they'll be happy to see you. It's lonely at a hospital sometimes."

Tony willed the tears from forming in his eyes. He could do this, he could get through this. He'd come too far to turn back now.

The elevator pinged and the doors opened on the first floor.

Tony followed the older couple out of the elevator. They went to another hallway while Tony went to the front desk.

A woman wearing her hair back in a bun glanced up at him. "Can I help you?"

Tony stared down at the desk. "I...I brought in a man with a broken arm. Elias Viljanen."

"I'm not finding him on my list."

Tony gaped at her.

Another woman, a nurse this time, handed her a file. "It's right here. I just checked Mr. Viljanen in."

Tony took the bag off his back. "This is his stuff. I believe his wallet and insurance card are in it. I didn't really look."

The nurse took it and put a tag on it. "I'll make sure he gets it."

"Is he ok?"

The nurse nodded. "Yes, you got him to us in time. Though you should have called an ambulance."

Tony shook his head. "They would have taken forever to get to my place. It's up on a slippery hill. We barely got off it with the truck."

The nurse blinked. "Raven Street hill?"

"Yes, at the top of it. He was working in my garden, making sure the new flowers didn't freeze tonight with the first snow."

The nurse backed away from the counter. "Tony Kakko?"

"Yes, I am and I will pay his medical bills. I should have stopped him from working in a blizzard with slippery conditions."

The woman at the desk glanced up at the nurse. "What's wrong?"

The nurse shook her head. "It's nothing, just surprised to see him here again." She moved away from the desk and looked back at Tony before going into a door.

The woman shrugged. "That was weird. You're not an old boyfriend or something?"

"No, I've never met her before. Do you have a phone that I can use? I need to call someone."

The woman pointed to the phones along the wall. "You can use one of those. Though any out of country calls will be charged to his room."

Tony headed for a phone and dialed Henkka's number. He slumped down in the chair, shaking like a leaf and wondering why that nurse looked at him so strangely. She didn't look old enough to have worked here when he was last here.

Henkka's voice filled the line. "Hello?"

Tony breathed a sigh of relief. "Henkka, I'm at the hospital."

"What? What happened? Are you seriously hurt?"

Tony shook his head, tears already forming in his eyes. "No, not me. Elias came over to cover the new plants and fell. I think he broke his arm."

"Why the hell would he do that in the middle of a blizzard? I assume it's coming down harder than it is down here."

Tony shrugged. "I don't know, but he did and now he's in the hospital. There was a lot of blood on the blanket. So much blood...."

"Tony? How did you get to the hospital? If Elias has a broken arm, he obviously can't drive."

Tony hesitated. Henkka knew as well as he did that they forbade him to drive ever again. To admit that he did, even in an emergency, could risk him being sent back to jail.

"You still there? Tony?"

Tony swallowed hard. "I...I drove him here."

"You drove him?"

"I know I'm not supposed to but they wouldn't have gotten up my hill fast enough to even get to him. I figured driving there would be faster, so I did it."

"You know what this means, don't you? Beyond the fact that Elias could very well sue you for endangering his life, you could be under house arrest again for driving."

Tony stared at the blank wall in front of him. "I know and I'm prepared to accept the consequences. I did what I believed was right at the time and I'm going to pay his hospital bills. It's the least I could do."

"And we're going to keep records of it as well in case Elias does decide to sue you."

Tony bit his lip. "He won't sue me. He's the reason I got here in the first place. Without him urging me on, I would still be at the stoplight before the hospital."

"Do you need me to come up there? At least to get you home."

Tony nodded, the lump in his throat reappearing again. "If you could. You don't have to rush since it's awful out there."

"Ok, I'll wait a few hours and then see how it is. Can I call you at this number?"

Tony looked around for a sign saying no. "I guess so. I'm right by the main entrance."

"Ok, I'll call you back at this number when I have some news. If I can't come up, you might have to take a cab home."

Tony shivered at the idea.

"I know it's not an ideal option but it won't take that long assuming they know how to drive up a long hill."

Tony made a face.

"Anyway, I'll let you go for now. Let me know if there are any problems."

Tony put the phone on the base and got up from the chair to pace. The hospital always unnerved him, even as a kid. Something about it was not quite right. The people were nice enough but he made him feel like he was trapped.

Especially back then. Right after it happened.

Tony looked at the front desk before heading outside in the cold. He stood off to the side of the door and paced. Elias would be fine, he had to believe that. Just because others had died in that hospital didn't mean Elias would.

But what if Elias did? What if he lost yet another person he cared deeply for?

Tony touched the wall to steady his wobbly legs.

"You're the last person I expected to see here again, Mr. Kakko."

Tony blinked and looked toward the doorway.

The older man wearing light blue hospital scrubs walked over to him. "It's probably been too long for you to remember who I am."

Tony froze in place. "The doctor. You're the one who pronounced her dead and appeared at my trial."

"That is true, but I also worked on you as well. Both of you in fact, but sadly she was already too far gone by the time she came to us."

Tony let his eyes drift shut.

"For the record, I never believed you intended to kill her. You were driving too fast and not paying attention, which happens to a lot of people. You had the unfortunate luck to hit someone else in the process."

Tony kept his eyes closed. "Thankfully they didn't die. At least I don't think they did."

"Not as far as I know. The hospital never saw either of the two people again. In fact, the last time I saw them was at the trial giving their account of what happened. I assume they moved away from Oulu."

Tony opened his eyes. "I thought about it over the years. Leaving here when my sentence was up, but I never did. Maybe I thought I owed it to her to stay."

"I can understand that. Though didn't her parents try to sue you as well?"

Tony stared at the ground. "Yes, and didn't succeed in taking the house away from me. They couldn't once they decided to put me under house arrest after I tried to kill myself in jail. I didn't do it for that reason, just to be with her again. I was...I'm still lost without her."

"But you came back here again with another person."

Tony glanced over at the doctor. "Yes, Elias. He's been gardening for me. He fell while trying to cover the flowers from the first frost. In the end, they're probably ruined now but at least he's being taken care of here." He stopped to look away. "I don't want to lose him too."

The doctor smiled. "Well, I'll do everything in my power. Thankfully it looks like just a simple break. The loss of blood was because the bone broke the skin but we're repairing that. Though if you'd like to help, you can donate blood in case he needs it. You two are the same type."

Tony stared at him.

The doctor chuckled. "I just happen to check your records from way back then. Incidentally, your fiancée was also the same blood type as yours. Had she lived longer, we would have asked you to donate to her as you didn't lose as much as she did."

"What do I need to do to donate blood? I've never done it before."

The doctor smiled and pointed inside. "To the left of the front desk and down the hall is where they take blood donations. Just say you'd like to donate some blood for your friend and that you're the same blood type. They're going to test it anyway but still."

"Um, thanks."

The doctor started to head inside again. "Good luck to you, Mr. Kakko."

Tony leaned against the wall and released the trapped breath he'd been holding since this whole thing began.

********

An hour later Tony was able to see Elias. The surgery had been successful and Elias' right forearm was in a cast when Tony walked into the room. 

He shuffled over to the bed and sighed. "I'm sorry, sorry for putting you in danger. I should have just told you no when you said you wanted to come over." He stopped to pull over a nearby chair to sit beside the bed. "But I wanted to see you again and my selfishness got you into this situation. I hope your boss at the plumbing place doesn't get mad at you. The last thing I wanted was to keep you out from work."

Tony stared down at the white cast. He reached out to brush the top of it with his fingers. "I've never had any broken bones before so I can't imagine how painful it is."

Elias stirred from sleep, blinking his eyes and looking around the room.

Tony smiled at him. "Hey."

Elias turned his head to the right and winced. "Hey."

Tony bit his lip. "I'm sorry, it's my fault you're like this."

"I already heard you the first time and it's not your fault. It's my fault for caring more about flowers than my own safety. Nothing is worth that much, other than family and friends. I should have known better and I'm sorry for putting you in this situation."

"I had to face it eventually, fight past a barrier I'd built up over time."

Elias smiled at Tony. "I'm proud of you, Tony. I can't imagine how hard it was to bring me here, but I'm thankful you did."

Tony stared down at his hands. "It seems you know more about me than I do. How did you even know about the accident?"

Elias turned red. "Well, I...I admit that I looked on the internet. There's a lot of conflicting stuff but I found a few that made sense to me. That you were driving too fast, hit another car, and your fiancée died in the accident. It's probably better that you don't go online because some of the things I came across were just mean."

Tony leaned back in the chair. "I doubt it's anything I haven't heard before. Do you know why I didn't start performing after the five years were up?"

"The hate from people?"

"Henkka had just started as my manager before I got out, though I'd known him for years before. He used to get my fan mail and most of it was filled with hate and death threats. She was loved in this community and they hated the fact that I was still alive."

"Some still do online. Though it seems most have just moved on with their lives as they should. I will never believe the rumors that you intentionally killed her because you were having an argument right before it happened. I can see by the grief still in your eyes when you or someone else brings her up that you didn't do it on purpose. You wouldn't still be mourning her if you did."

Tony sat forward in the chair to look into Elias' eyes. "I was driving too fast because I was running late for a performance. Yes, she did yell at me to stop but never for a moment did I decide to end her life because of it. I wasn't paying attention to the lights and ran a red one, smashing into a car coming from the right."

Elias nodded. "As I suspected when you froze at the stoplight driving me over here. People have forgotten that you had a performance that night as it's never mentioned. They just assume you were driving recklessly for the hell of it."

"Which I would never do. I had that car for about a month before the accident. It was the first thing I bought with my record advance money and I treated it like it was my child. I would never willingly smash it up or purposely try to kill anyone. I just...I was so hung up on not being late, something I had driven into my head at an early age to not do, that I didn't think of how reckless I was being."

"But I bet you thought a lot about it afterward."

Tony shuddered. "Yes, it haunted my dreams for years after the fact. I'd wake up just before the two cars smashed into each other, with her screaming my name ringing in my ears. It's the reason I tried to kill myself in prison; I just wanted it to end."

Elias smiled a little. "Well, I'm glad you didn't. I wouldn't have gotten to know you if you had."

"It would probably better if you didn't. Now you can't work for a while."

Elias shrugged. "Then so be it. My boss knows I garden for fun so I'll just tell him that I slipped in my garden and broke my arm."

Tony blinked at him. "But you slipped in mine."

"You and I know that but they don't have to. If they want to fire me for stupidity, then that's their right. Though I doubt it since my boss seems to like me and it's not like I miss work all of the time anyway."

Tony stared down at his hands. "I just don't want you to get into trouble because of me. I've done enough damage in my life to pull someone else into it."

Elias tried to move his arm but it was stiff. He motioned to the other side of the bed. "Get over on this side. I can't move this arm."

Tony shuffled over to the other side, wondering why he was doing it.

Elias reached out with his left hand to touch Tony's hand. "I don't blame you, Tony. What happened was my fault and I'll deal with it. I'm happy you're here with me, it means a lot."

Tears gathered in Tony's eyes. "Means a lot to me too."

Elias smiled and squeezed his hand. "Besides, it will nice to have a reason to sit around and do nothing for a month. Or at least try to do nothing for a month. You know me, I'll probably start fussing with indoor plants to cure the boredom."

Tony smiled and was about to reply when a nurse came into the room.

"Mr. Kakko, you have a phone call from Henkka."

Tony squeezed Elias' hand. "I'm glad you're ok."

Elias grinned. "A broken bone won't keep me down for long."

********

Tony took the phone from the front desk. "Henkka?"

"It looks like I won't be able to come up there today. It's really coming down and the roads are getting treacherous. I think you'll have to get a cab home."

Tony sighed, not feeling at ease about calling a stranger to get him home. "Ok, thanks for trying. I'll figure something out."

"Just tell me that you're not going to drive his truck home."

Tony blinked, he'd forgotten that it was in the parking garage. "No, one trip was enough for me. I don't know if I could handle it without Elias."

"Speaking of Elias, is he ok?"

Tony frowned, unsure of why Henkka even cared about Elias. "Uh, yeah he's fine. I was just talking to him before you called. His arm hurts but he seems ok with it."

"Good, that's what I want to hear. As long as he isn't bitter and resentful, he won't sue you for negligence."

"He's not going to sue me. And I'm paying for his bills anyway."

"Still, just be careful is all I'm saying."

Tony rolled his eyes. "I know and I am. Anyway, I should probably call that cab since Elias probably won't be discharged today."

"Ok, be careful and let me know if you need anything."

Tony gave the phone back and made a face.

The front desk woman smiled. "Family?"

"No, just my manager. He likes to nag me and tell me to be careful a lot. I guess he's the closest thing I have to a family at this point."

The front desk woman nodded. "I guess it's better than the alternative."

Tony blinked. "What's that?"

"Having no one to tell you to be careful."

********

Tony returned to Elias' room intent on talking more. He stopped short when he noticed Elias was asleep.

The doctor poked his head in. "He's going to be tired from the anesthesia. Thankfully the surgery was easy on him. A nice clean break and some stitches on his arm to close up the wound."

"How long will he be in a cast?"

The doctor stepped into the room to stand beside Tony. "Four to six weeks is the norm for this kind of break. From looking at his chart, he's never had any breaks before so it should heal pretty fast."

"Next time I'm telling him to not come over in a blizzard."

The doctor smiled. "Probably a good idea in general. We're going to keep him overnight to make sure he's stable. He'll be discharged tomorrow I'd imagine."

"And have no way to get home. I drove his truck to the hospital and he can't drive it with a broken arm. Not with a stick shift."

The doctor's eyebrow rose.

Tony flushed. "I know, I'm not supposed to be driving but it was faster than waiting for an ambulance to come up my hill in a blizzard. I'll have to tell the police about it, I guess."

The doctor sighed. "Well, I won't be telling them it. Not to mention it was an emergency and he couldn't drive himself. Despite what their ruling was, I doubt they meant to include life or death situations with it. Personally, I wouldn't tell them at all unless it was brought up."

Tony stared at the doctor.

"Yes, it's not a good idea to lie but in this case omission is the way to go. I doubt anyone saw you come here in the first place other than us. Most people tend to stay away from the roads when it's snowing that hard outside."

Tony nodded. "That's true. I need to find a way back to my place tonight. My manager is stuck in Kokkola and can't get up here."

"Well, if I wasn't on duty, I could give you a ride home. You don't have any other friends up here?"

Tony shook his head. "No, the only other person I know up here is Marko."

"Marko?"

"Yes, he owns Anthony's that's down the hill from me. I've known him since he was cleaning tables at the same restaurant."

"Then why don't you try him? It can't hurt since he's near your house anyway."

Tony shrugged. "I guess I could."

A loudspeaker called out the doctor's name. He smiled at Tony. "I have to go but good luck getting home. Can we call you when Elias is ready to leave?"

"Sure, I'll leave my phone number at the front desk."

"Perfect, I'll see you later."

Tony let out a sigh and headed out of Elias' room for the phones again.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony's big night in Kemi to premiere his new song. Will the audience enjoy his unconventional song?

Tony dialed the operator and asked for Anthony's number. They dialed it for him so he waited as the line rang several times. He was about to hang up when a woman's voice filled the line.

"Anthony's. How can I help you?"

Tony swallowed hard. "Uh, can I speak to Marko?"

"Sure, I'll get him."

Tony heard some shuffling on the other end and then Marko's voice came on.

"This is Marko."

Tony bit his lip. "Marko? This is Tony. I...I have a favor to ask."

"Hey Tony, what's up?"

Tony took a deep breath. "I'm at the hospital but I have no way to get home. Henkka is stuck in Kokkola and you're the only other person I know here."

"Are you ok?"

Tony relaxed a little. "Yes, it was Elias that was hurt."

"Elias? The guy that was there repairing your floor?"

Tony flushed. "Um, yeah. He's been coming over to work in my backyard. He was trying to protect the plants from frost and fell. He broke his arm so I...I drove him to the hospital."

"You drove him? Isn't that risky?"

Tony nodded and felt stupid for doing it as Marko couldn't see him. "I know and if it hadn't been snowing really hard, I would have just waiting for the ambulance. As it is I can't drive it back to my house without getting into more trouble."

"That makes sense. I should be able to swing by and pick you up in the next ten to fifteen minutes. It's a slow day here because of the weather anyway. Though how is he going to get home when they do release him?"

Tony shrugged. "I have no idea. I don't know much about his friends or family. Maybe he has one of them to pick him up?"

"Well, if he doesn't then I can get someone to drive my truck while I drive his. That way he gets home and you're not driving without a license."

Tony let out a trapped breath. "I'll let him know when they call me tomorrow."

"Great, see you in ten minutes or so. Meet me out front."

Tony thanked Marko and hung up the phone. He shuffled over to the front desk again. "The doctor told me to leave my phone number when Elias is released tomorrow."

The front desk woman typed something into her computer. "Ok, ready when you are."

Tony gave her his phone number. "You can call it if there's anything wrong with him as well. Though I might not be able to get down here very fast."

"Either way, it's good to have a contact name on file. He will probably be released at mid-morning around 10:00am."

"Thanks, I'm already up around then anyway."

*********

Tony shivered and stood at the front entrance for Marko. He was about to head back inside to warm up when he spotted a green truck enter the driveway. 

It drove up to Tony and stopped. The window rolled down to reveal Marko. "It's unlocked."

Tony opened the door and got inside, thankful that Marko had heat blasting from the vents. "Thanks for this."

Marko smiled, maneuvering out of the lot and back on the road. "I don't mind it. It's been a while since the two of us were in the same car."

Tony frowned, remembering back to his trial. Henkka was busy with the lawyer so Marko offered to drive him to the courthouse. It was a cold and snowy day back then as well. Except all he could think about was her. How he'd never be able to see her again, to touch her again, to see her smile when he did something goofy.

Marko stopped at the stoplight and sighed. "The last time was the trial, wasn't it?"

Tony swallowed down the thick lump in his throat. "Yes, it was. Henkka wasn't even my manager yet but he was helping out the lawyer anyway. I couldn't drive anymore so that left you."

Marko shook his head and turned onto the main street. "I'm sorry."

Tony turned to look at Marko. "For what?"

"For not being there for you more. It's been fifteen years since that day and I was barely there for most of it. Just because Henkka and I are no longer together doesn't mean I should have treated you like I did. It wasn't your fault that it didn't work out between us."

Tony looked out the window. "To be honest, I don't think I would have welcomed it even if you had been there. According to Henkka, I was a mean asshole back then."

"You were angry and dealing with her death. If you hadn't been, then he would have been worried about you. He took it because he knew that you had no way to process what happened and come to terms with it. You did like you always do and cut yourself off from others, just like when your parents died while you were in school down here."

Tony shook his head. "Not like people didn't constantly remind me of the fact that I killed her after I did my time. They hated me and the fact she was dead because of me. I didn't want to deal with that while dealing with her never being there again."

"To be fair, you were never someone who needed a lot of people even as a young kid. I've known you longer than Henkka has and seen things that he probably hasn't."

Tony played with his hands. "You're probably right. I've come to realize that I wanted someone to care about me but they never did. My parents didn't care, neither did my teachers or even my peers in school. She was the first one who made me feel special, the first one to realize that I wasn't some weird kid who was good at piano."

Marko smiled and turned onto Tony's hill. "I remember when I first introduced you. She would always come for lunch and you would always come for dinner most times. Finally, both of you were at lunch and I couldn't resist in introducing you because she wrote music too."

Tony stared out the window at the forest of trees they drove by to his house. "For once I didn't have to put on a brave face and hide everything. She would know right away that something was wrong and try to fix it, even if it was something as stupid as figuring out where I put my wallet." He sighed when he saw his house come into view. "After she died, I had nothing and had to do it myself. With so much time alone, I just made it my goal to push emotions to the side and focus on the present. It was working so well, that is until Elias showed up."

Marko switched off the engine and turned to Tony. "He made you feel too."

Tony glanced over at Marko. "Yeah."

"But not just that, I assume."

Tony swallowed hard. "When I was with her, I could create anything really. She was my harshest critic but I didn't mind it. I valued her opinion and maybe yearned for it as well. When she was gone, the music played when it wanted to play. There was nothing urging it on other than my own willpower."

"And when Elias showed up something changed?

Tony removed his seatbelt. "I started getting music from everywhere. I begged him to come back, under the premise of him doing my garden. In reality, the ideas and notes started up when he was here and stayed inside until he left. I would have never finished my new album had he not come over every weekend for a month."

"So now you're at a crossroads with this. The album is done, I'm starting to see advertisements for it in the paper, and he's now injured. He can't come over for at least another month so now what do you do?"

Tony shook his head, tears gathering in his eyes. "I don't know. For the first time in my life, I have no direction or guiding force. I'm lost."

Marko smiled and touched Tony's hand. "Actually, you've been found again. You've opened yourself up, even just a little, to the world again. Or at the very least to him and to me. Don't you see Tony, you're finally healing."

Tears fell down Tony's face. "I'm scared."

Marko undid his seatbelt and pulled Tony into his arms. "I know, but that's what happens next. Fear leads to discovery and acceptance." He kissed Tony's forehead. "But know this, you're not alone anymore. You have people who care and can guild you down the next path. That's not to say you can't do it alone, but I believe you're at that point where you need someone again."

"Are you that someone?"

Marko smiled and rubbed Tony's head. "I'm one of them. Pretty sure you'd rather have Elias here more times than me."

Tony snuggled into Marko's arms. "Make, can you help me take Elias back home tomorrow? I can't drive him home as you know and I don't really have anyone else I can ask."

"I'd be glad to. Just give me a call tomorrow and let me know when."

********

Tony was washing up the dishes for breakfast when his phone rang. He took a deep breath, drying off his hands, and approaching the phone to pick it up. "Hello?"

"Hello, is this Mr. Kakko?"

Tony flushed at being called that like Elias did so long ago. "Yes, this is him."

"This is Nina at the Oulu Hospital. You wanted us to let you know when Elias Viljanen would be released. He's scheduled to be released at 11:00am today."

Tony breathed a sigh of relief. He'd hoped that Elias would be fine and nothing would come up after he left. "Thank you for letting me know. I'll be there shortly before it to see him before he goes."

"Very good, I'll let him know."

Tony replaced the phone on the base and bit his lip. He picked it back up again and dialed the number for Anthony's.

"This is Anthony's."

Tony smiled to himself, recognizing the voice right away. "Hey, Marko."

"Hey, Tony. Is Elias about to be released?"

Tony nodded and then rolled his eyes at the action. "Yes, at 11:00am. I'd like to get there a little before that if I could, just to let him know what we were thinking of doing."

"That sounds fine to me. I can call my friend to drive my truck if need be or if Elias has someone in mind as well."

Tony blinked. He hadn't thought of Elias calling a friend to pick him up as well. "Oh, maybe I should call Elias' room to find that out."

"It's not a problem as Pentti lives close to the hospital. It would take him like ten minutes to get there. The snow is starting to melt anyway so it should be an easy trip. Though I have no idea where Elias lives."

"I don't either, but I doubt it's very far away. His truck doesn't have that high of mileage from what I saw while driving it."

"Ok, I'll swing by to pick you up at 10:30am just in case the road to your house is still slippery."

********

Tony stood in front of his closet, trying to decide what to wear for this. There was no need for a suit and he kind of wanted to try out his other pair of jeans. Would Elias even notice that his clothes were different? Not that it mattered in the grand scheme of things but Tony wondered about it anyway.

He grabbed a black button-up shirt and jeans off the hanger and laid them on his bed. After getting the rest of his clothes, he dressed as he would if he was wearing a suit. Well, minus the coat at least. He would have to remember to grab one from the hall closet before leaving.

Once that was finished, he headed downstairs with the red sneakers in tow. He wasn't sure if that was appropriate for this kind of weather but there was no need to wear dress shoes with jeans.

He sat down at his piano out of habit. There was nothing particular he needed to play, but sitting there gave him a little comfort while he waited for Marko.

His mind wandered to Elias and how he wouldn't see him probably until the new year. The weather was already heading into winter temperatures so there would be no need for Elias to come over until spring at the latest.

The very idea that he wouldn't see Elias for another four months filled him with dread. What would he do in the meantime to cope with it? They did albums every other year so this coming year was nothing for Tony to focus on. 

In the past, it hadn't been a problem since he would just compose more music. But now? Everything was different.

So lost in thought, the knock on the door made him jump a little. Tony swallowed hard, telling himself that it was just Marko and to relax. He opened the door and smiled.

Marko smiled back. "Ready?"

Tony bent down to put on his red tennis shoes.

Marko's eyebrow rose when he got a look at what Tony was wearing. "This is new."

Tony flushed a little, grabbing a heavy coat and putting it on. "I thought maybe it was time for a change."

Marko walked with him down the front stairs. "I like it. It suits you, especially the dark red shoes."

********

When they arrived at the hospital, Tony headed for Elias' room right away. He stopped short when he saw another man in the room with Elias that wasn't a doctor.

Elias glanced around the other man and smiled. "Hey, you didn't have to come back."

Tony shuffled into the room with Marko behind him. "I wanted to make sure you got back home along with your truck." He turned to point at Marko. "This is Marko from before. He can drive you home while his friend Pentti can drive your truck."

Elias motioned to the man in front of him. "Actually my friend Juha offered to drive me home with my truck."

Tony's face fell just a little.

Marko noticed it and turned to Juha. "But how will you get home?"

Juha shrugged. "I can call a cab or something. It's not a problem."

Marko shook his head. "There's no need for that. You can drive Elias and we can follow and then drive you back here. I assume you parked in the garage below?"

"Yeah I did, but I don't want to trouble you with that."

Marko smiled. "We're already here so it's no trouble. We had planned on driving Elias home anyway."

"Do you have enough room in yours for me and him?"

Tony flushed and remembered that Marko's truck only had two seats.

Marko thought for a moment and then smiled. "I'll just let Tony get Elias settled and then come back for him."

Tony glanced over at Elias to see if he was ok with it. 

Elias smiled at Tony and then nodded at Marko. "That works for me. Then Tony can see my plant filled house."

********

The drive to Elias' house was a short one, his house was a little farther away in the opposite direction than Tony's was.

Tony fidgeted in the seat next to Marko. He'd never been in someone else's house in the last fifteen years. The last one being her parent's place when Tony was closing the deal on the house. It was filled with old stuff like grandfather clocks and hard furniture. He hated being in there because it felt like the old portraits of relatives were silently judging him for whatever reason.

In the end, they tried to take the house away from Tony when he was arrested. Mostly saying that he'd killed their daughter and he didn't deserve it, never mind the fact that Tony paid for it in full and the deed was in Tony's name.

Technically criminals can't own property but the house arrest put an end to their complaint. He was unfit for prison life, always getting beaten up by other inmates and then his eventual attempt at suicide.

Had the guard not gone through his usual checks a little early, they would have never found Tony's body in his cell. When he woke up in his house after it, he started blocking it out.

And it was working until Elias arrived at his house. Now all of the memories were coming back to him in full force, whether he liked it or not.

********

Tony swallowed hard and undid his seatbelt, looking up at the small house perched on a small plot of land.

Marko glanced over at him. "You ok?"

Tony opened the car door. "Yeah, I just haven't been to that many houses lately."

Marko and Tony walked over to Elias' truck. Elias got out of the passenger side and grimaced. 

Tony rushed over to grab the backpack perched on Elias' left shoulder. "I can get that."

Elias smiled at him. "Thanks, it's kind of awkward with the wrong hand. I'll have to get used to that over the next several weeks."

Tony put the backpack on his own shoulder and walked with Elias up the few stairs to his house.

Marko turned to Juha. "Want me to take you back now?"

Juha frowned, watching Tony with Elias. "Why does he look familiar? I've seen his face before but I can't place it."

Marko hesitated, wondering if he should say anything about Tony. The last thing he needed was somebody making baseless accusations about Tony to him.

Juha turned to Marko and said, "Must be a common face or something."

Marko smiled, walking back over to his truck. "Probably."

*********

Elias unlocked the front door with his key and pushed it open. "Welcome to my place. It's kind of a mess at the moment."

Tony walked inside with Elias, closing the door before turning to get a look at the inside of Elias' house. He took off his shoes and shuffled forward.

The house was a lot like Elias - a little bit of everything was inside. Plants were on most high surfaces while random posters of sports and musicians were in frames on the wall. He blinked and looked down when something rubbed against his leg.

Elias came out of the side room and smiled. "No Viro, he probably doesn't want you to rub against his suit pants."

Viro meowed at the sound of his name but continued to rub along Tony's legs.

Elias moved in closer to them, reaching for the cat and picking it up. "Sorry about that. He likes to greet visitors a little too much. I'll put him away in my room while you're here."

Tony shook his head. "I don't mind him. It's not good for my asthma but it's not like I'll be here for days or anything. You can leave him out if you want. It's been a while since I've been around any pets." He stopped to sigh, a frown covering his lips. "My parents had a small dog named Eino when I was in my last music school. He'd always be happy to see me when I was on breaks. Sadly he died in the same fire that claimed them."

Elias let Viro down and approached Tony to touch his arm. "I'm sorry."

"It happened years ago, but for some reason I'm remembering a lot of things that I had hidden away lately. I haven't even thought about Eino since then."

"And I'm the cause of this?"

Tony looked into Elias' brown eyes. "Maybe, but it was bound to happen eventually. There's only so much I can lock up inside my head before it all comes out. I'm so used to the strict confines of my growing up and musical vocation that anything that deviates it scares me."

Elias smiled at Tony. "I can understand that."

Tony looked around the house. "Don't you have a girlfriend that lives with you?"

Elias wandered into the kitchen. "Not anymore."

Tony followed him to the doorway and stopped short. "Not anymore? Did you break up?"

Elias switched on the faucet to get some water. "Yeah, almost a month ago. Pretty much right after that night playing for you. It just came to a head I guess."

"And I'm the cause of that."

Elias finished off his water and set the glass in the sink. He turned to face Tony. "No, you're not. It had been brewing before we even met. It's not your fault for us growing apart."

Tony wandered away from the door. "Maybe but it feels like that I may have stepped over the line a few times. Like when we played together. I knew you were promised to someone else and yet."

Elias followed him into the living room area. "I could have easily told you no and pushed you away. I didn't because I...."

A knock on Elias' front door interrupted his train of thought. He flushed and answered the door. "Ah, you're back for Tony."

Marko peeked through the door to spot Tony looking at the floor. "I can come back later if you want. I mean, it's not like Tony has to get back for anything special. He's just waiting until the gigs in Kemi and Helsinki later this month."

Tony shook his head. "No, I should get back in case Henkka calls about last minute stuff." He glanced over at Elias. "I hope you feel better and I'm sorry for putting you into that position in the first place."

Elias wandered over to Tony to look in his eyes. "I told you before, it's not your fault. It's mine for being worried about plants instead of my own wellbeing." He reached out with his left hand to touch Tony's arm. "Thank you for helping me when I needed it."

Tony flushed, hesitating for a second before giving Elias a hug. Elias hugged back and let his eyes drift shut.

********

Tony paced inside his dressing room backstage of the Kemi venue. He'd played there many times in the past but he was always nervous before a show. He was pretty sure even if he played more gigs, he'd still be just as nervous before every one of them.

Henkka always left him alone to get ready, preferring to make sure the technical details were finished before Tony went on stage.

For the first time, he felt alone. He never thought much about it in the past, focusing on the music inside his head to prepare for the concert. Now he didn't have that to occupy his time. Sure, the music was running through his head as if playing on a record player but this was different.

He missed Elias a lot over the past month. Elias had called Tony a few times to let him know he was fine and that the bone was healing as it should. Henkka took care of the hospital bills along with rehab and medication. There was nothing for Tony to do other than wait for spring so Elias could come back to work on his garden.

The waiting was killing him because he missed Elias on another level too. Not just seeing what he did with the garden, but also getting a chance to talk to him during the day. He never realized how lonely his life had been until Elias entered it and now he was gone for the next several months due to weather.

He wanted to work out what his feelings truly were, but he couldn't do that without Elias to hear them. Whatever they may be. They were all a jumble and Tony had no idea how to get them untangled and dealt with.

Did he really want to be with Elias like he had with her? Was he ready for something like that in his life? What if Elias didn't feel the same way?

He wasn't ready to admit it when Marko was standing there. It should be a private moment between Elias and himself.

Except that didn't matter at this point because he was never going to see Elias until next year.

Tony slumped down on the bright red couch and sulked.

********

When Henkka poked his head into the room, Tony was still sitting on the couch frowning. Henkka came inside and shut the door. "What's wrong?"

Tony glanced up and shook his head. He stumbled up from the couch. "Is it time?"

"Yes, but you didn't answer my question."

Tony stopped to stand in front of Henkka. "I don't have an answer to it. Too many things swirling around my head at the moment. At least there's only one more show after this for the year. Then I can go back to focusing on writing again."

Henkka frowned and watched Tony open the dressing room door. "It's Elias, isn't it?"

Tony's shoulders slumped a little.

Henkka stood beside him and reached out to fix a piece hair that had fallen forward. "There's nothing you can do about him at the moment. He's resting and recuperating his broken arm. Besides we have a show to do."

"I know, I just wish he was here for it."

********

The crowd clapped when he walked on the stage. Tony turned to them and bowed, as he'd been taught as a kid, and then sat down at the piano.

It was one of the few times in his life that everything was deathly silent in the large concert hall. He could probably hear a pin drop if one did so.

He took a deep breath and played a piece he'd written a few years ago. Henkka and he had figured out that if he played the oldest song first and then the newest last people would stay for the whole show. Not that he ever saw anyone actually leave early but still. It would give them the incentive to stay until the end.

His fingers danced over the keys, his mind playing out the song in perfect time for him to follow along. He didn't need sheet music or anything else to guide him along. Once it was up there, it stayed there forever.

Still, Henkka or someone else always put sheet music on the stand just in case. He never needed it but it was nice to have just in case something went wrong.

After the shorter song finished, he waited for them to applaud before moving onto the next piece. Depending on the song selection, he would work in five to seven songs per concert. Since his newest song was longer than most, tonight it would be five songs.

Unlike when he played at home, he didn't let himself get too into the music for each song. Though he wasn't sure how he was going to handle the newest song. It might just undo him like it had every time he'd played it.

********

Tony waited for the clapping to die down before beginning his final piece. He wasn't sure how it would go over with the audience, as he'd never played it for anyone other than Henkka, Elias or Pasi. Would they enjoy it like with his other pieces or would that even matter?

He readied his fingers and started to play the song. Henkka made a face when Tony told him that he was naming it "Breathe" instead of the usual piano solo in whatever key type of name. It seemed appropriate for a title since that's what it was based on - Elias' breath.

Tony swallowed hard, his body reacting when he thought of Elias. He was disciplined enough to not let it affect his music but it still made him warm with lustful thoughts. Images flashed into his head of Elias claiming him against his piano, their bodies moving in time to the music he was playing.

His eyes fluttered shut, feeling the pull of the music again. He was about halfway through, in the more frantic part of the piece, which always brought interesting images into his head when he was writing. After all, what would Elias be doing to make his breath that frantic and hurried?

Tony had no doubt his mind could fill in all sorts of things that Elias could be doing without him having to think about it too hard. He bit his lip, his body riled up with the hurried rush of the song.

Soon would come the final parts, slowing down a little and then back at the fast pace again. It was the fastest thing he'd ever written, save for the song he wrote for all of those instruments. He'd seen others play fast pieces before, but his audience was used to slower pieces that had a few fast parts throughout. Not a constant stream of them like this was towards the end.

Would they feel it like Tony did? The frantic hits of his fingers on the piano keys ringing out like machine guns firing off. Would they recognize the breathing feel of the whole piece as if they were listening to someone breathe in different patterns before them? Or would they just dismiss it as a jumbled racket coming from Tony's mind?

As Tony neared the end of the song, he felt the familiar pull on his lower half. Should he really bare himself to the audience like that? Could he keep it in as he had with all of the other songs? Was it because he was thinking of Elias the whole time while writing it make that impossible?

Whatever it was, Tony tried his best to stop the rush of heat and lust from washing over the crowd in waves. As it was, he rarely ever got really emotional on stage. Even after her death and his return to the stage, he locked it away while playing but now it was all going to hell with Elias.

He tried to not let it happen, begging his body to behave just this once, but it pulled at him and soon his head flung back and he silently screamed out while playing the ending notes.

Tony staggered to his feet, prompting himself up with the piano. He saw movement out of the corner of his eye and turned to see Henkka in the wings about to go onstage to get him. He waved his hand and turned back to the audience.

They were completely silent.

Tony blinked at them. Had he not finished the song? Were they waiting for more?

It was then that he realized everyone in the front row and probably the other rows as well wore shocked expressions.

Tony flushed, waiting for them to do something other than stare. He had gone too far on stage and maybe his career was damaged because of it.

In the distance, a man stood up and clapped. He was too far away from Tony to get a good look at him but he was definitely sure it was a man with the dark suit.

Tony bowed to the man, thinking maybe the rest would follow suit.

But everyone was still stunned in silence.

Tony glanced back at Henkka with a worried expression. He'd never had to deal with anything like this before.

The man kept clapping and started to scream out cheers.

It was as if a spell had been broken and others started getting to their feet and clapping. Soon the whole audience was on their feet cheering at Tony.

Tony breathed a sigh of relief and gave them several bows.

********

Once Tony stepped offstage, he leaned against the railing and gasped for a breath. Henkka hurried over to him and put his arm around Tony's shoulders. "Well, you certainly stunned them."

Tony shook in Henkka's arms. "I've never...never had an audience act like that. Did I forgot the last part of the song?"

Henkka smiled. "No, you finished it just fine. I think it's more of them seeing something that only I get to see most times. They didn't expect you to be so into it if you get what I mean."

Tony flushed. "I wasn't trying to but when my mind wandered to...."

Henkka eyebrow rose. "Wandered to what?"

Tony ducked his head. "Something else and it got me more into the song."

"Elias, perhaps?"

Tony shuffled his feet. "Maybe. Still, I hope I haven't done any damage to my career doing that onstage."

"I doubt that, if anything they'd be surprised that you shared something that intimate with them. Usually you're so reserved and in control, and maybe it's a good thing in this case. You're letting them into your intimate place just a little and giving them a chance to feel the wave of passion I feel when I see you perform at your house."

Tony groaned and wiggled out of Henkka's arms. "They aren't meant to see something like that at all."

"Maybe, but it means you're letting yourself feel again. You opened yourself up to them again, even if you weren't quite that open with them in the early days."

Tony shook his head. "I need some air. It's always so stuffy back here."

"The limo is out back. Change up before you do, as I assume you don't want to be wearing the same suit after that."

********

Tony changed in his dressing room, packing away the used the clothes into his rollaway suitcase. The wave of lust was still brewing inside, sated a little by the performance but it didn't seem to be enough anymore. He wasn't going to do anything about it until he got home again. The last thing he wanted was Henkka seeing him do that to himself.

He finished buttoning up his black shirt. Despite wanting to change things up a bit, he still went on stage in a suit as he always had, but at least he got to wear jeans before and after it. A small consolation at this point.

Once his suitcase was zipped up, he headed out of his dressing room for the backstage door. It would be chilly outside in December, as it always was in Kemi. Though he hadn't lived here since he was a teenager and didn't really want to come back but his record company insisted. There should always be a show in the north and the south, they said to him. He wasn't sure why it had to be in Kemi every time and not Oulu where he lived.

Tony pushed the backstage door open, wincing at the face full of cold arctic air. He stepped outside and walked over to the limo, opening the trunk to deposit his suitcase in it.

With an exhale of his breath in the cold wind, he turned to go inside the limo when his name was called out.

Tony turned to face a man standing at the top of the alley. Usually fans would never find him here, why was this one?

The man walked down the alley, shuffling along with his arms held close.

Tony frowned. Was the man holding something?

One of the lights from the alley lit the man up from behind when he was ten feet away from Tony.

Tony gaped.

"Hey, good performance tonight."

Tony stumbled forward to stand in front of the man. He looked into his eyes. "You...you came."

"Well, you were playing not very far away so I figured why not. Juha drove me here since I can't do that yet."

Tears formed in Tony's eyes. "I didn't think you would. You don't like this kind of music."

Elias moved closer to Tony, reaching out to touch Tony's arm. "Maybe, but I like the man playing it."

Tony flushed, staring down at his feet.

Elias inched closer, his good hand pulling Tony in. "It was amazing, taking my breath away at the end."

With a sigh, Tony let himself be held by Elias, wrapping his arms around Elias' middle. "You were the one who stood and clapped."

Elias smiled. "Well, I tried to at least. It's hard clapping with a cast but I wanted you to know that it was a good performance. Even if everyone else seemed kind of stunned."

"They've never seen that before. I only let go when I'm alone or with Henkka. I couldn't stop it tonight because...."

"Because?"

Tony buried his face into Elias' neck. "Because I was thinking about you, and how you motivated me to write it in the first place. I would have never finished it without you."

Elias held Tony tight.

Tony leaned in to kiss Elias' throat. "Thank you."

"Actually I should be thanking you. You made me realize that some things are worth checking out, even if you aren't into them at first. Had I not gotten to know you, I would have never come to see you perform. Or realized how amazing you are as a person and how I want to...."

Tony pulled back a little to stare up at Elias.

Elias cupped Tony's face with one hand. "I want to spend more time with you. Obviously I know you aren't the most social person, but I want to get to know more about the man who changed me."

Tears fell down Tony's face. "Actually you changed me. Before you showed up, everything was just as it had been for over a decade. Now I'm scared because it's not. How do I cope with such things?"

Elias leaned in to kiss Tony's cheek. "Add a little chaos to your life."

Tony smiled, remembering their talk in the basement not so long ago. He reached up to touch the side of Elias' face. "I guess I'll have to."

Elias bit his lip, his eyes locking with Tony's.

Tony took a deep breath before finally capturing Elias' lips with his own.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elias takes Tony somewhere that he should have gone a decade ago. Old wounds might finally be healed.

The following spring Tony was in Elias' truck riding to somewhere. Elias refused to tell Tony where they were going and that in itself made Tony worry.

He trusted Elias enough to know that he wouldn't take Tony to somewhere with a lot of people.

Over the past four months, the two of them had grown closer, though not close enough to share the same place yet.

Tony wasn't sure if he was even ready for something like that. She hadn't lived in the house when she died - only Tony had. It's not like he would have to get rid of her things in order to make space for Elias, but still. He would have to share his space if it ever came down to that.

As it was, their relationship hadn't progressed far enough to think of such things but Tony did anyway. It was all he could do without any albums or concerts looming in the distance. Elias was his everything at the moment. Their times together amounted to snuggling on the couch or kissing.

Tony could tell Elias was holding back in case it was too much for him. He hadn't been in a relationship since she died nor had he ever thought about having one during that time. The pain from her loss was too real in his heart that he never allowed it to fully heal.

That is until he met Elias.

Tony smiled at the idea of Elias coming in his life when he did. It changed everything and made him realize just how much he repressed in his life.

Elias chuckled and turned into a driveway. "Don't worry, I'm not taking you anywhere with a lot of people. Well ok, there is but you'll see."

Tony glanced out the window at the grassy field in front of them. "Where are we?"

Elias switched off the motor and turned to Tony. "Somewhere you probably needed to go to a long time ago."

Tony blinked at the remark.

Elias got out of the truck and walked over to Tony's side. He pulled open the door. "I'll be there with you."

Tony climbed out of the seat still frowning. "You're not making any sense."

Elias interlocked his fingers with Tony's. "You'll see."

They walked along the path, the gravel crunching under their feet as they did. The snow had abated enough for them to do this trip. Though there was still some off to the side and on the fence around the grassy field.

Elias stopped in front of an opening with large metal doors on either side.

Tony looked up at the sign overhead and gasped.

It read Oulu Cemetery.

Tony felt his body go numb, shock overtaking him once more.

Elias held him close and whispered, "I'm here."

Tony swallowed hard, following Elias slowly inside the gated doors. He knew why Elias was bringing him here now and it filled him with overwhelming dread. He wasn't strong enough for such things. The pain had only begun to lessen a little when Elias was around.

Was he ready to confront it once more?

Elias led Tony through several paths before turning off to head toward a large tree in the distance. The limbs slumped down with snow, showering some of it on the graves below when the wind picked up.

Tony blinked at Elias halting his approach. He let go of Elias' hand and walked forward.

When her name came into view, he dropped to his knees in front of the grave.

Tony grabbed for the headstone, draping his body over it to hold it close. He never got to see her after she died, never got the chance to say goodbye properly. Sobs shook his body, letting out years' worth of repressed memories and guilt.

Elias glanced up when an older couple approached them.

Tony pulled back, tracing over her carved name with his fingers. "I love you. I wanted to tell you before...before you were taken from me. I'm sorry, sorry for not listening to you. I'm sorry for worrying more about being on time than our safety." He stopped to kiss over her name. "If I could do it all over, I would change that one moment. The one thing in my life that I am forever haunted by. There's not a day that I don't think about you, and what we might have had."

The older man standing next to Elias was about to interrupt Tony's words but didn't when Elias glared at him.

Tony sighed against the headstone. "But without it, I'd never get the chance to meet Elias. While that doesn't justify being reckless and ending your life, I have to believe you had a hand in it. That you wanted me to be happy, even if it's without you."

Tears gathered in Elias' eyes.

Tony kissed over her name again. "You will forever be my first. The first to believe in me, the first to encourage me, the first to love me. No one can ever take that away from me."

Elias reached out to touch Tony's shoulder, gripping it a little.

Tony smiled at the headstone. "I've waited too long to do this, afraid that you would silently judge me like all of the rest. I'm not as strong as I would like to be, but I'm trying. In the end, I can feel you smiling down on me, happy that I found a reason to exist again."

Elias helped Tony off the ground. Tony looked back at the headstone and touched over his heart. "You will always be in here, forever until we join again. Until that day, I will return here from time to time. If anything to help me heal."

The older man was about to speak when Tony glanced over at him and shook his head. "Don't bother, I don't want to hear anything you have to say. You made your opinions crystal clear when you tried to take my house away from me."

They walked away from the couple until Tony heard his name called by a woman's voice. Tony turned to face them again.

The older woman sighed at him. "A lot has changed in fifteen years. As much as it hurts that our daughter is gone, seeing you now have changed some of that ill will. My husband might not agree, but I believe that you aren't who you once were. The young man that I saw at the trial so many years ago is not the same one that I see now. You have remorse for what you did and really that's all we wanted - to admit that you made the wrong decision."

Tony shook his head. "I didn't want to admit that she was gone. That's all it was back then. Whether I caused the accident or not was irrelevant in my mind, only that she wasn't coming back to me. She was my everything and with her gone, I had nothing."

"I see that now and I'm sorry that we tried to take the house back. We wanted to punish you for our daughter's death, but from what you've said and how you are now it seems that time punished you more. She wouldn't have wanted this but we were too blind to see that at the time. For that I am sorry."

Elias looked between them and then said, "We're going to lunch after this if you'd like to join us."

Tony and turned to Elias with a frown.

Elias smiled at him. "There's a nice lunch place down the road."

The woman looked over at her husband and then sighed. She turned back to Elias. "Maybe some other time."

Elias smiled at her. "The offer is open in case you change your mind."

The woman nodded and then turned back to the grave with her husband.

Elias interlocked his fingers with Tony's before walking away.

Tony looked over at Elias and marveled at how lucky he'd been to have Elias. His life changed for the better ever since they first met.

And all because of a broken pipe.


End file.
